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As much as it hurts, I know the choice I have to make.
The conversation I had last night made it clear to me that things just can't work out between Kacie and I. Yes, I love her more than the world. She deserves the best for all the wonderful things she's done for me. But I can't give her that. I realize she just can't understand why I can't go against my parents, that I love my family and have to respect their decisions, as unfair and stupid as they are. Though she said it's not about trust; it is. I understand full well why she has to worry that I'm gone for 10 minutes. Or that I'm talking to other girls on the internet. My trust has been broken too...7 times before without as much as a held hand. But it still is the foundation of love. And I can't take her prom away from her either, it wouldn't be right. I love Kacie. I always have and always will. I want to stay friends with her, too, because I don't know if I can do without her. Keep talking to her every night. If she can't bear to talk to me again, well, okay. I understand if I'm failing her like she said. But she's better off without me anyway.
First period today was volleyball. I did great and blocked Matt Wright's spike twice in a row! Each time everyone started laughing, going "oooh", clapping, congratulating me and stuff. We're a really intense gym class, and spikes are a big deal.
The rest of the day was slow and unrelenting. I enjoyed Physics, as always, but I felt detached from everyone else, especially at lunch. I just sat in the aisle again, drinking my milk. Nobody could shut up about the damn semi-formal dance or the party after! I have a serious headache over it, in fact I'm taking asparin after this post, for my heartache over her too. They all assumed I was at the party, even though I said I wasn't, they said I just "didn't remember it", seeing as most of them can't after drinking so much. I might watch the semi on TV later out of curiosity.
I might go to the math team meet on Wednesday. I decided I'm going to participate in any school activity that I have time for. Sure, it may not be friendships, but it'll make me be around people; human interaction I need, regardless of the type. Now...I'm going to pray. That I can heal after what I'm doing.
Nico
Bedlam5 · Mon Nov 29, 2004 @ 09:40pm · 5 Comments |
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