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So, I lost my job. Good news, got another one. Similar deal, but I won't be expected to go back and forth between till and kitchen, which should make it a little easier on me.
On another note... went over to a friend's house today to play DDR (she bought the PS2 version), had a lot of fun.
We get home, and Kaie starts apologizing all over the place to me, over the littlest things. Little bit after that, I find out why: She's feeling guilty because she's depressed and has to be on medication. Because she "can't give me a normal life" and she'll "never be able to be part of that kind of happy family and [she's] keeping me from it, too".
I freaked out, as it's my fault - naturally, I was the one who wanted to go over there in the first place - and came quite literally inches from cutting myself again. Not even inches. Millimeters.
I'm still feeling like crap, especially now that, all of a sudden, Kaie is ignoring me for the beloved computer, which is *mine* in the first place. She's talking to her friends online, pretending I don't exist...
So, yeah. Pretty ******** shitty right now.
Part of me is absolutely terrified that I'm going to have to break up with her. I don't want to... God, I don't want to. But I'm starting to feel the same way I did with Tass. I don't know if I can be with someone who's depressed. I don't know if I'm capable of it. It's got nothing to do with love, I know that much now. It's just... how can I sit here and watch someone be in pain, someone I love, and not do anything?
Because that's what she says; I can't do anything to help her, she needs to do it on her own. That's all well and good, but I don't know if I can hold on like that. And I'm getting worse. In some ways, I feel better, being with Kaie. I know that there's someone who will hold me, if I need to be held, who understands, who's been there - and who loves me, in spite of everything.
But how can I let her hold me, when it hurts her to do so? She wants to because I want her to, but I know it hurts her. It's a fine line between masculine and feminine, for her, and she hates anything that makes her feel too male. I understand that, really I do - but how do I know what does that? How do I stop it? And how can I get what I need without crossing those lines? I just don't know.
All I know is that this hurts, and this isn't working. Something has to give... God, I don't want to end it between us. I love her so much, just the thought of saying those words... makes my throat close up and my head pound. But I don't know if I have a choice.
Nay-rinn · Mon Apr 24, 2006 @ 07:55am · 0 Comments |
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