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Sometimes I think I'm Emo. I mean not the doing physical harm to myself kind of emo, or even the kind of emo who sits alone in his dark room writing sad poetry with blood imagery that no one really understands. I think I'm the kind of emo who looks at the world around himself and wonders where his place is or if he has a place at all. I'm the kin of emo who wonders if he is meant to be happy, and starts to question if he is really understood as a person. I'm the kind of emo who cries on the inside even if there is no emotion on the outside...but no, it's more than that. I don't just feel sad, I feel dissapointed with everything and everyone. I look around and see everyone else trying to chisle some happiness into their lives by getting into relationships, working on things that they love, and just trying to see the good in the world, and I wish that I could be like that. I wish that I could just close my eyes and believe that not only was the world okay, but that the world was going to continue to be okay, even if I messed up on something.
Sometimes I just get tired. Tired of trying to succeed, tired of looking for love, tired of looking for the silver lining of the billowing stormclouds of my life. I ask myself what I'm expecting to find, what I expect to happen over the next hill in the nature trail that is the story I am forced to play the main character in. I wonder what I could possibly hope to find, but I can't come up with an answer. I can't say, "I expect ____ to happen." because I don't. I don't expect to be accepted to the schools I want to go to. I don't expect to find my one true love, I don't expect to just have something start looking up for me.
Maybe I'm just not trying hard enough...but then again, maybe I'm just not strong enough for all of this. I can't stand up and say, "HAHAHA! I AM SO GREAT!" I mean, I do, but it is the act that I put on so that no one worries about me. There isn't anything that anyone can do to help me really, so why should I put them through the frustration of seeing me all sad? They'd be all, "Awww, what's wrong?" And I'm not sure I'd be able to think of an answer. Everything seems to be wrong to one extent or another.
They wouldn't understand if I said, "I just feel so lonely sometimes." They really wouldn't. I'm always surrounded by people who know my name and seem to like me, so me being lonely makes no sense.
They wouldn't understand if I said, "I don't feel like I've acomplished anything."
They wouldn't understand if I said, "I'm just sad."
So I don't say anything. I wander around smiling and laughing and making jokes, but inside I'm sad. I don't know why. I'm just sad.