|
|
|
I don't know how to feel today. Like always, my stomach is tightly knotted and acid reflux is kicking me in the a**. My mind is blank and it's hard to focus, but at the same time, all I can think about are things I NEED to focus on. It's sort of a torture. It's like, seeing a ticking time bomb literally counting down right in front of you but being unable to move your body. Or, in my case, unwilling to. My mind is so, so aware of everything I need to do, but every other part of me is flat out unwilling to do any of it. Even the things I WANT to do. Despite being an art student, I haven't produced any sort of work in months, and have no desire to.
I'm even going to DISNEY WORLD, my favorite place on Earth, in only a matter of days and feel little to no excitement. I don't know if that's the work of my medication, or the lack thereof, but speaking to my therapist has done little to help. I'm so hungry, but so full at the same time. There's so much I want to do but I have so little desire to actually do them, even the simplest of things. I've been taking my frustration out on myself, in various ways. Cutting my hair, for instance. Not one of the better mistakes I've made.
Otherwise, I'm plagued by headaches and seemingly endless loneliness. My family offers little consolation and any other friends I have are those I've met online, which obviously does little to lighten the feeling of being alone.
Without work, school, or even a real hobby to keep my mind straight and give me something to do, I feel like the bubbles in a coke; there one second, somewhere else the next, never staying in one spot and just kind of fizzing away. The sensation sounds pleasant. But it isn't.
Video games, nowadays, are the only things I find myself clinging to. That, and social media, but only small portions. Every day is like a roll of a rigged pair of die; odds are, I'm going to feel worse going to bed than I did when I woke up, and the cycle will repeat. My grandma believes I'm suicidal, my sister believes I'm exaggerating. I don't know what my brother thinks, but he's convinced something's wrong. Maybe something is wrong.
I've been sleeping a lot, too. To the point where the days meld together and keeping track of time is a lost cause. I'll stay up until sunrise, and sleep until sunset, give or take a couple hours; most of the time, however, I spend my waking hours in the dark, at night, and alone. I stick to Gaia, Tumblr, and Youtube for some form of company or entertainment, but otherwise, I'm left to my own thoughts, which do little more than give me great anxiety and nervousness.
Sometimes I can't sleep at all. Sometimes, with my head throbbing, my stomach tight, and my hands clammy, I'll lay in bed with my eyes closed and hope that eventually, I can get to a place where I finally feel okay. Where physically, mentally and emotionally, I'm flexible, yet strong.
Back to an earlier statement, my appearance and hygiene are what probably have suffered the most. If cutting off my own hair wasn't bad enough, I haven't gotten a new pair of glasses in years, and my eyes are achy and tired. My skin is dry, my lips chapped, my hair is knotted and tangled and what's left of my bangs only adds to a look of complete disaster. My clothes consist of baggy t-shirts, and sweatpants, which do little to hide the fact that I'm over 220 pounds.
I want to be happy. I want to feel carefree and I want to feel a sense of peace, but every day, this becomes harder and harder. The combination of body insecurity, emotional instability, habitual loneliness, financial and academic strain, and constant frustration send me into a state of complete numbness.
Before my medication, when I felt, I felt strongly. Sadness was emphasized with a tight chest, rushing thoughts, heavy breathing and an upset stomach. Anger was worse. When I felt anger, I needed to relieve it somehow; when I was little, this relief would be in the form of knocking my sister around. Now, it's in the form of hurting myself, and/or the things I love. There are two holes in my wall as a result. I often pull my own hair, pluck my eyelashes, crack my knuckles to the point of soreness and ignore my hygiene. As of today, I haven't showered in over two months.
Everything that used to console me is either gone, or run dry. Online roleplay was a strong hobby of mine since 2013, but the community has long since died. Art and books were a form of escape, but since flunking Art School, my creative nerves have shrunk and my motivation is nonexistent. And then there was NU'EST.
NU'EST, a band I have both loved and respected since their song Yeoboseyo was released exactly five years ago today. Their music, their energy, their beauty, drove me in so many ways I didn't even know possible. I've felt so in sync with the band that their accomplishments felt like my own. Their loves, their fears, their beliefs, felt like my own.
And even now, I feel them.
But it's becoming distant.
I find myself drowning in a pool of monotony, struggling to breathe past all my flaws and insecurities and responsibilities. It's hard. My family tries their best, but they only make things worse. But I can't leave. They're all I have.
It's 8:32 AM as I finish this off. Maybe later today as I pack for my vacation, I'll begin to feel a little bit better. But for now, my world is dim. I'll light some candles later.
 GayMerGirl · Tue Feb 13, 2018 @ 01:33pm · 0 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
