Music - .hack - Smallest delight
Life is constantly changing, trying new behaviours and different patterns. this is the apitamy of life at the edge of chaos. free flowing and as predictable as the changing tides with the lunar rise. Too far and you meet disaster, to less and you meet the same. My life is changing around me and all i can do is sit back and watch. My sister grows every day becoming more and more a woman with each and every passing second, my mother grows more stressed and fill her lungs with black tar ... my father fights a constant battle within himself, struggling to rise each and every day witha smile.. with energy ... no matter what the doctors say. My nan remembers her husband long past, my uncle his wife, sharing together as brother and sister. The house is changing, slolwy growing empty except for the shards of memory stuck in the wall. a mirror .. a bed a photograph... ashs of a man scattered with tears. Even i am changing slowly, with each experience i grow as a person, in some ways good in others bad. physically i grow taller and leaner, mentally i grow harder and more mature, understanding things in the world i did not see when i was younger as well as from a different perspective although some people feel i have grow detached and cold.... i have just learnt that my heart should be shared with those i care for.. in its different varients and colours.
Nik and i are back together which makes my heart flutter and soar as if starlings have taken flight however as with everything nothing is back to normal straight away.. there is always an aftermath .. a chance to do it again .. to do it better.. to learn which is what i want to do. I wish Nik to be happy with me however i will not change who i am nor will i change who she is because that is who i love. Times will be difficult ... impossibly so it may seem at points but there is always hope. always a solution no matter the problem. stress. depression. teenage angst.... i will be there i will be a block in the fortress since i am good at it and the sight of her smile is worth anything.
I saw a freind the other day over webcam.. she hasnt had the best life in the world.. a bad mother ... a string of abusive boyfreinds yet as she held a child on her hips, a neice to someone she knows ... watching the child with care and attention a smile on her face something i have not seen but watching that i couldnt help but smile myself. it was like watching a small video of the person inside of her .. seeing what she can be what is right ..what she could be.. it puts a lot into perspective about life and history but i wont go into that, I have decided i will give life my all .. why waste it moping around and skimming the surface of the river ... we only live once.. perhaps our soul survives but i as a person as Brad only live once and as much as i hate mortality i still should live life.
I would like ..someday to have children and watch them grow. tall and strong, handsome and beautiful .. i would someday like to feel the cold touch of a metal ring and a lovers first married kiss .. i would like to see my children prosper and haver their own and feel the pride i imagine you woud have ... to do this i have to work.. i have to grow strong as a person to be able to support and interact. i will be that first stone block once again but for something far precious ...i dont plan this for many years to come but i need to shape up and learn to grow now so i am prepared.
I love you Nik and i do not expect to drag you along with my dreams since you have your own... i am glad for the time we share and if you need me im always here for you no matter what. a wise man told me once love is where you trust someone completly. Were you do the right thing for them even if its wrong for you. you always give support even if you argue. you share experiences and life. its neither phsyical nor mental but something deep inside that lets you know. i give you my patchwork heart hun and i will give you my memories if you want them and god willing we may be silly and childish and enjoy ourselves as much as we did that time i came down to you and we had a picnic. out first. hopefully not our last because i like to create new memories with you, to look back on them with a smile and a laugh.
Life on the brink is dangerous and chaotic .. but with you i feel safe i feel i will not be forgotton, lost to history, i feel a home. As with an atom bomb.. there is always an aftermath, with everything.. actions have reactions. after a war, countries help each oher regain strength or dwindle that of others. aftera forest fire plants regrow to house the animals once more. such is life death rebirth but certain things remain, the air, the water, the earth itself .. may change in ways but they remain constant like a river flowing to the sea. its path my change but it always arrives at its destination in the end which leads me to say something cheesy. if youll be my sea ill be the river. army or no army i love you
XXXX bradley XXXX
Patchwork dreamer · Mon Jul 17, 2006 @ 11:31am · 0 Comments |