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My mind has screwed me over. |
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After careful consideration of all the angle’s I’ve come to the only logical conclusion, I’m ********. Okay, now I know that most people don’t like school, but they deal with it, they take the classes, pass most of ‘em, maybe fail a few, they get their diploma and move on to bigger and better things, see now, this is where I start to get into trouble. I’ve never been much for school, I put up with it because I can’t afford to move out of the house. Last year (Gr.11) I took a grand total of six classes in the year out of a possibly eight, now this would have been fine, if I’d passed more than three of them. The classes were Math 20 pure, Chem., Physics, Social, English 20-1 and Art. I passed Art, social and English, everything else however, I completely bombed. Now I’m good with theory, I could think about it all day, but throw numbers at me and it’s like throwing a defenseless rabbit in front of a semi, after you’ve glued it to the road! So now, sort of going into grade twelve, and it’s impossible for me to graduate this year, because of the classes I need to take(all of which are only offered once at my school!) I need Science 20 and Science 30, I need my Foods 20 and 30, I need my Art 30, my social and English 20 as well as Math 20 and 30 applied. I can take a maximum of eight classes; does anyone else see the problem here? Now, I’d probably have failed math, but I’m not quite sure, you see, I never completed the course; I walked out half way through the semester. I suffer from chronic depression; at least, that’s what I’m told, I’m not sure if it qualifies as depression, I just, hit this point where something gets to me and I snap, suddenly all I want to do it watch the person who annoyed me suffer, even if it’s a friend, since I’ve been dealing with this all my life I developed a sort of defense mechanism, I shut down, completely. I can’t move or talk freely; I just rock back and fourth with my eyes closed, willing the world to go away, later I can’t remember a thing about what caused to attack, I just remember blocking out everything. I’ve been on anti-depressants since grade six, so for six years now, at first it helped, but they don’t seem to work anymore, I can feel it, sick of taking the pills I stopped taking them for a month, after being yelled at by my math teacher, I don’t even remember why, I just got up and left the room.
Sometimes I think about killing myself, I’ve even tried a couple of times, but I always wake up again. I used to be close to my mother, now I’m torn, part of me feels that if I died she’d be better off, because I wouldn’t be a burden on her any longer, but another part of me wants to wrap my fingers around her neck and choke the life from her fat body. Maybe there’s a reason I’m so screwed up, after all, my mom was on drugs (and anti-seizure medication) when she was pregnant (They’re illegal now, because of all the defects they caused, brain damage, deformities, I was lucky enough to get away with only having four thumbs (which have long since been cut off, not my choice). But somehow, that seems a little too perfect, like an open escape door in the middle of all this chaos; it would be nice to think I’m not responsible for all this damage, but I feel as if I am.
Aziera · Mon Aug 21, 2006 @ 08:09am · 1 Comments |
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