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…Aaron hasn’t come.
His parents decided the very last second was a good time to tell him they didn’t want Aaron to leave.
Aaron said he’s trying to come today…I doubt it’ll work out.
I gave up on getting high hopes.
I’ll just be surprised.
Whenever I get excited about anything it all crumbles down. I’m looking for some magic here. In the smallest things imaginable.
Jp told me I need to focus more on making myself happy instead of faking it all for my mom. I’ve been trying…
I’m trying to believe I have good relationships elsewhere other then my mom.
But, I just don’t.
I’m willing to say good bye to all my friends in Vernon all to easy.
I wish it would hurt me more.
But it doesn’t.
Nathan told me yesterday when he walked me home.
He said “In all honesty….I don’t really know you”
I know, Nathan, I know…Not many people do.
I don’t open up to anyone.
Only two people ever
Mom
Jordan
Jordan…yeah…it’s not there anymore. He can give me all this “of course it is Brita, you’re insane for not thinking that” all he wants. I’m not convinced. He use to know me real well. He use to know words wont change my mind about anything. Silly kid, why doesn’t he understand I’m still the same way.
I keep telling myself I’m just going to ignore him until he speaks with me
And when he does just be like
Hey,
Doing fine, you?
That’s cool.
That small talk bullshit I do with randoms on my msn list.
Instead of expressing what I feel. Because he hates hearing about my pathetic life and he wants nothing to do with it. Because all I do is drag him down.
But once in awhile I break out.
And it’s the same s**t over and over again. “Brita just wants what she wants and cries if she doesn’t get her way.”
Yeah okay whatever, how much have I risked
I’ve risked my ******** life for my mother
If wishing to keep an amazing friendship with someone I once had is asking for too much.
The just shoot me please because this world isn’t worth living in.
And this msn talk
Is not a ******** friendship
Sorry
No it isn’t.


This is why I don’t ask people for anything
This is why I don’t open myself up to ANYONE
This is why I don’t care when most people leave my life.

Because I’ve done it once and haha well…everything changes
When things are too good to be true
They are.
Even if they last for a little bit longer then you’d expect
Everything dies eventually.

I want to find myself a new Jordan
And no damnit
I don’t mean a new boyfriend ******** sakes.

I want someone that’s willing to deal with my ******** up head.
Go thru the good the bad the ugly
And still love me
And be my crutch sometimes.
And make me laugh other times.
And lets me know they care, even if I don’t bring it up.
When I’m not there they are still worry about me and care about me.
I wnat to be able to come to that person even if they were the one that hurt me.
I use to have that.

That’s asking for a s**t load right there I know
But once you’ve been treated good
You can’t go back to bullshit
So I’ve tried nothing at all.

Then it just turns me into this.