I'm changing my account to: xXx Xunz Reaper xXx. For my faithful readers of my life to know, that way you can continue to hear about my soapopera of a life. Lol.
Problems arise again. Over the course of the week, things went from semi-bad to almost unbearable. I am reposting this in my new journal on my new account as well, so don't get annoyed. Having issues with Ryan, my ex boyfriend. And here is what has hppened to me.
I was backed into an emotional corner. I kept askin' him why he hasn't been treating me very well and he says I am the one with the problem. So, I started to relax and be myself...and...he still was sort of an a** to me. Yet, he still denies it! A lot of people see that he is being an a** to me, and it's not just me, I swear. Then...I found out that people at work were saying s**t about me...and I wish David would go out with me, but he won't because of Ryan. I don't think Ryan wants me to even talk to him or David anymore...I bet his parents told them not to talk to me and stay away from me. He shouldn't have called me that...the officer says that am not a pedifile or however you spell it. It just seems like most of my friends are leaving me...right when I need them most again. I can't trust what he says. I'm hearing the same story from everybody. If I heard a bunch of diferent stories I would ignore them, but everyone tell me the same thing. He called me pedifile to my face before 2 period yesterday...then at lunch he denied it to my face that he ever did so. That's what set me off...and the fact that he just walked away from me like that...it was rude. I don't think he really understands what his actions are doing to me lately. Don't get me wrong...I'm trying to get back at him or get close to him again by wanting to go out with David. I really like David, I really really do. He's a sweetheart! ^^ But everything is hitting me this week and only a few people could tell that I was about to break down.
People at work treating me lile s**t...and MOST people at school doing the same thing. I can't believe that some of my friends are doing this to me, and I've known them for like 3 years. Some I've known for 5-6 years! I also am crying so much because I have all this pent up hate...all this rage and sadness that I never let out. Sure I talked about it with people, because I am open about things like that, but I never really cried about anything or took out my anger...I just acted happy...and acted tustrong so no one would notice. I finally broke down yesterday...and I finally cried for my mother. It's only been 2 years and a month since she comitted suicide and I am just now crying? I felt bad...I needed her guidance in this...but she's not here...and I started to blame myself. I felt as though I should have helped her instead of push her away. This is not an excuse though...just...everything came out at once. ll my pain...all my anger...just bursted out. And you know...I felt as though should have cried about it then, because...I didn't want anyone to worry then, but Isaw that no one cared now either. And they shouldn't. They shouldn't give to shits about me. After all...I'm just a pedifile, right? Just some evil b***h who talks a lot and just out to ruin everyones lives. You know what else? I'm working 20 hours a week...no lie. I'm getting in trouble for being late to class and having detention. The one night I didn't have to work this week was when I was going to do my detention, and someone called from work. They wanted me to cover their shift, and that's how s**t started at work. Because I had to stay after school and get my s**t together. I hardly have time to sleep anymore, because I have to do my homework. No time to et either...then again...I've lost my appitite. I tried to eat something yesterday...and ended up puking it back up. It's scaring me...all this stuff is happening to me so fast. And after all I've been through...no matter what...David still said no...because of Ryan. And after all that...all I want is for Ryan to forgive me,...and for things to go back to normal. I don't care what happens to me anymore...I just want people to be happy with me. I just want to be happy again. I knew I was wrong in hitting him. I shouldn't have hit him...I shouldn't have hit Ryan...
I know what I did was wrong...hitting him. He's not going to forgive me...and I'm afraid to go to school on Monday. I feel like everyone is watching me...like they are waiting for me to slip up again and laugh and jeer at my pain. My friends...I donno. The year my mother died...my two best friends that I ever had...didn't really sem to care that my mother died. All they could do is come and see me for an hour, because they had plans for a movie or something. One of them didn't like something about me earlier on in the year...she ws jealous of me. She turned my other friend against me over the course of the summer. They avoided me...they hung out and left me home all summer long. I needed them...my parents were fighting and I needed to get out, but there was no one there for me. That's why I am so upset now...because I see this happening again...or...it IS happening again. I need help...and no one wants to help me...so I act like this...because I can't cope with it a second time, ya know? My freshmen year...was the worse year of my life...and this past week was the worst week of my life. Sorry...can't help but pour everything out. I keep talking and hoping it will all end soon...but I keep crying. I had to work tonight too...
Now, my appitite is scaring me...a lot. I ate something on Sat. Just a sandwich at about noon. However, when I tried to et something after work...which was about 1:30 a.m....I about puked it back up. I only ate 3 pizza roles and they made me sick to my stomach. I tried to eat this mrning before work...nd I couldn't. I want to eat...I feel so unhealthy for not doing so, but I can't eat right. I finally ate something today...at about 10 p.m. and I felt a little better. I ate a hamburger from McD's and half my fries. I can't take it anymore. Why an I not eatting? Why is everything going wrong...?
Of Life N Death Xun · Mon Sep 18, 2006 @ 05:03am · 1 Comments |