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Taking a leaf from a few good friends, I am going to attempt to talk about a problem without giving any indication, to the uninitiated, what it might actually be.
I have always been, to some extent, a jealous person. I have always, to some extent, been an impatient person, and an egoistic person, and I've always wanted, to those I loved, to be THE single most important part of their lives, from their God and future onwards. Yes, in many cases it has made me unreasonable; hence, my rather bad history with relationships, some would say.
Lately, I have been frustrated beyond belief. And not for obvious reasons some would bring up. I may be petty, childish, jealous, but I'm not simple, and in fact I take offense to the implication I could be bothered by some of these obvious frustrations. They won't go away. I've stopped thinking about them.
But....it's been eating away at my innards. It got really bad this week. Especially Monday. The littlest things, the littlest bits of discomfort or humiliation were enough to send me careening over the edge, like the stereotypical woman. Innate hysterics. They talk about that in my play: Sarah does.
I'm not used to having this little control of myself. It's scaring me, and I'm not even sure if it's bad, but it's damn unsettling, and it's not making me very pretty.
I like who I was before better; not too far back, but half a year ago before. This wild-eyed harpy who seems to throw tantrums at the slightest provocation shouldn't be me. I'm ashamed it is.
I know exactly what's making me think, behave, like this, but the knowledge doesn't make it any better. It just makes me cliche.
Cliche, and naive, and probably more insecure than is good to admit.
If something doesn't change soon, I don't know what I'll do.
Worse yet, I know exactly what I'll do, and I do NOT like the thought of it.
On the other hand, it's making it very easy for me to be Pfeni. The tears come more easily than I can call them up. The neurotic hyper-melodrama is barely acting.
Why am I posting this anyway? Is it more posing? Yeah, probably. Good job me.
I'm gonna do my homework now.
disco_the_kid · Fri Oct 27, 2006 @ 04:42am · 3 Comments |
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