well today was yet anuther interesting day to add to my weekend. we filled up the last camera, and i'm trying to get them developed. i might do that tomarrow. since i'm getting the last editions to my halloween costume. thigh high fishnets stockings, and handcuffs. me, lacey, and beth went to the park, then walked along the train tracks to mcdonalld's, then tryed on costumes in right aid, then danced to music inside hallmark. just like when i had jessica back in the old days and we'd ditch school and do exactly those things.
and then on our way back to the park, beth went ahead since she had to be home soon. and me and lacey walked back along the tracks and talked.
and i talked about what we usually talk about when we're alone. nichole. i do it because i know lacey is still hurting inside. just like i am. and i know that i wish someone would ask me sometimes about erica. about how i'm getting along. so i ask lacey, because i figure no one else does anymore. everybody else figures she'll get over it in a week or two. after all, she's only fourteen. has her whole life ahead of her. goes to school with cute girls, can find somebody to replace nichole. but I know that isn't how it goes at all. i know how she must really feel. cus i've felt it. and i still feel it. so as we walked back along the tracks, and eventually made our way to a picknick table at the park, i tried my best to let her rant on and on, so she could get it out off her chest. i tried my best to heal anuther broken heart.
and today on the phone me and beth talked. about joey. she's really fallen head over heals for that kid. but they're not together. she's dating sam. she seems so happy on the outside doesn't she?? but no, she's not. she misses joey, and wants to be with him so much. and i know joey cares for her just as much as she cares for him. i can see it when he looks at her. even if she can't sometimes. i know that look, because i used to give it. and i knew that it meant i loved erica, even if she couldn't see that sometimes eather. and so i tried my best to get her to spill out her feelings to get it off her chest. and, yet again, i tried my best to heal anuther broken heart.
just a little while ago i took the dog outside for a walk. and i felt the chilly air rush upon my face. and i looked up at the dark sky. and it took me right back into erica's arms. all those days when we were still strong together. no body hurt or broken inside yet. no body even thinking that could happen in a million years. and i thought about what i had told bethany. i told her, "if you love him, and he loves you, then you're still meant to be with eachother. nothing is complicated unless you make it that way." i thought about how they should so be together. i thought about how it made such good sence. and when beth asked me, "but what if he hurts me again??" i remembered what i told her. "is he worth taking the chance??".
i looked at a star and it told me "why don't you take your own advice??".
i don't know.
i guess i'm scared. i know i love erica. i love her so so much. still more than anything. always more than anything. and i think she might still care about me. maybe?? why don't i ask her?? i guess i'm scared. what if she hurts me again?? or what if it can never be the same??but she IS worth taking the chance.i'm so confused. i dream about her all the time. i hum "vulnerable" everytime i'm alone and smile. i look at my closet door every night and wonder if frank is lonely. but i dare not take him out of that box. he only makes me cry. i miss her so much. and every night before i go to sleep i stare at the ceiling and blow a kiss. i hope it gets to her before she lays down too. and i constantly wonder if she's okay. and out there under the vast sky that never changes, never lets anything stick to it...although planes my fly through it and storms my roll by it...i tried my best to heal, yet, anuther broken heart.
but is it enough?? it is always enough.
will i get a sign??
that question isn't answered yet...
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~*_gay_pride_!!_*~
"daylight whipped me into shape
i must have been asleep for days
moving lips to breath her name
i opened up my eyes
and found myself alone alone
alone above a raging sea
that stole the only girl i loved
and drowned her deep inside of me"
[[just like heaven by:the cure<33]]
"daylight whipped me into shape
i must have been asleep for days
moving lips to breath her name
i opened up my eyes
and found myself alone alone
alone above a raging sea
that stole the only girl i loved
and drowned her deep inside of me"
[[just like heaven by:the cure<33]]