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Today, I was ok with things. I mean, I tried to be happy, smile more, you know. This afternoon, after school, I was listening to my music like usual. But one of my Hinder songs called "Better Thank Me", really related almost too much with the situation. He ended it, the mall, everything. I listened to that song, and realized, the reason I liked it so much, was because that was exactly what I'm wanting Rick to come and say. "I really miss your hair in my face, and the way your innocence tastes, and I want you to know this, you deserve much better than me". And he's said that before (when we were still dating, on a weekend where we hadn't seen each other for a few days). I'm so angry with myself! I can't get over him! It wouldn't have been so bad if about 2 days before he broke up with me, he asked if he could spend Christmas Eve and New Year with me. Of course, I said yes, excitedly. And we planned a cool trip where both of us would try snowboarding for the first time together, presents we were getting each other for Christmas, etc. Thinking about it, though, I really hope it wasn't a front to disguise his true feelings for Bailey... Everytime I see him, I just want to run up to him and hug him, say I love him, kiss him...but I can't do any of those things...and it really really hurts. And yet again, one of my songs relates to the situation. This time, it's from One-X the Three Days Grace album. The song is called "Over and Over". The lyrics are perfect too. "I feel it everyday, it's all the same. It brings me down but I'm the one to blame. I've tried everything to get away. So here I go again, chasing you down again. Why do I do this?! Over and over, over and over, I fall for you. Over and over, over and over, I try not to... it feels like everyday stays the same. It's dragging me down and I can't pull away. So here I go again, chasing you down again. Why do I do this?! Over and over, over and over I fall for you. Over and over, over and over, I try not to. Over and over, over and over, you make me fall for you. Over and over, over and over, you don't even try. So many thoughts that I can't get out of my head. I try to live without you, everytime I do I feel dead. I know what's best for me. But I want you instead. I'll keep on wasting all my time! Over and over, over and over, I fall for you. Over and over, over and over, I try not to. Over and over, over and over, you make me fall for you. Over and over, over and over, you don't even try tooooooooo." It hurts when I think about the way we were even before dating. We would hang all over each other in choir, and joke around, smile everytime we saw the other...I miss that so much...I would do almost anything, just to have one day with him, the way it was then... I smile when I see the way he used to smile at me in my head. But then I realize, he doesn't do that anymore. I would confront him about it, ask him if he actually misses me at all...but I know he doesn't. Unless he can act very well, he seems very happy for missing me... I haven't smiled in so long, like, a real smile, since last Wednesday, when I was unsuspecting and naive about everything. My worst nightmare has come to real life... and he knows that was my worst fear. I'm just glad he was sort of nice about it. I just wish I could change something small, so I can say how much he still means to me. I love him so much still, and I won't get over that for a very long time. Because I'm so stupid and naive, and stubborn, I still have a small hope of, when Rick and Bailey get close again (even though she tried to do something, and he didn't like it), that he would see the difference of love and caring, and at least e-mail me once... The only e-mails I get now, are forwards, in which I try and reply to, and instead of taking until that night to answer them, it takes 2 days to answer... I don't know how to live the way I used to...it's all wacked out, and I feel so out of place with my 'friends', that I just wander outside the whole lunch period and listen to my MP3, wishing I was snuggling Rick, or even talking to him. I feel so empty. No friends, no Rick, I just feel like someone has torn my heart away from me. I never should have sent him that stupid long e-mail telling me feelings for him! That freaked him out, made him lie to me (said he wasn't going to move, so I wouldn't worry), and he probably told Bailey, which, of course, influenced him to break up with me to be with him. I would fight to the death to be with him, but if I know I can't win, and he's already found his hero, then I might as well just give up. Every time I see him, it hurts. I try to talk to him, joke with him, but I know what's on his mind...I just want to cry so much, but it does nothing for me. I've cried every day since that dreadful day, and it never gets better. My naive hope of it being the kind of thing where, you break up to make sure that the other person on your mind isn't worth it or something, and then go back to your original. I seriously wouldn't care if that's what he did. I know he's liked her for so long, and she makes fun of him for it. She's got him right where she wants him. I just don't why he still likes her so much...after she called him scum, refused him all this time, and then once he gets a date, she goes and ruins it! If there's anyone in the whole world that I loath, it's Bailey. If she hurts Rick at all through this, I'm gonna get so pissed!! I haven't seen her this week, so I'm wondering where she has been... Every since I've known her, she's been flirting with Rick MAJORLY whenever I'm around, knowing that I can't do anything about it, and that Rick doesn't mind at all. I just want her to vanish, to move away, just to get out of Rick's life, but I know that will never happen. I know how selfish this is, and how mean this all is, but I mean it...I can't help it. I told Rick before we broke up, to tell her I didn't hate her... but honestly, I can't look in her direction without getting completely pissed off. WHY CAN'T I GET OVER HIM!?!?! I wanted him to be happy, but I had no idea he meant this much to me! My whole goal was to make him happy, and I failed completely... I believe to him, it's hard to think of this whole thing as anything more than a stupid crush, while I think of it as, I want to spend every waking moment with him, love. We both loved each other, I know that. But why did he have to mean so much to me?! Why?! I still keep that hope alive that one day he'll come back...but I know...it will never happen... ...I'll wait for him...but he won't ever come back... I want to talk to him so bad about this whole situation, but he probably doesn't...and that will distance him even more. I'm trapped, and have no idea what to do, how to do anything! He made sure in all of his e-mails he used to send me, it said "love you and miss you". Every one of them. He would e-mail me just to say "hi" and just to say "love you". Now, he doesn't even say hi at all... After all of this... I just want him back. I just want him back, I just want him back! Lord Jesus, I just want him back!!!
Short_stuff_dude · Wed Dec 06, 2006 @ 06:41am · 0 Comments |
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