Its odd isn't it, I can go a month or so without writing one thing in here and today I am writing two.
Meh this is just a personal vent I guess, people who don't know me wont have a clue so yeah, you may wanna go grab a drink or scan through other pages instead.
So lately I have been getting... I wouldn't say depressed, but unhappy is along the right lines. The main reason in because of my family I guess. We're not really a family, we look like one I guess, I mean I have a mum a dad and a brother and sister, but our family ended some years ago now - yet coming to terms with that is soo hard, realising that the people who are meant to love and protect you don't and that your all alone in the world is a really hard thing to realise.
My sister, who has suffered the same as my brother and I can't cope with it anymore and its actually making her ill... she doesn't want to be here but has conflict because she doesn't want me to remain here alone. I love her to bits but I can't ask her to stay because I don't want her here anymore than she wants me here. She is getting skiny coz she wont eat here and is so unhappy it tears me apart to see her like it, shes normally the one that keeps herself to herself and wont say anything, but not saying anything gets her no where, trouble is speaking out doesn't help anymore as it is just ignored and doesn't even bother our parents, the fact that she is ill is going unnoticed.
My mum, she says she is unhappy here, she says she wished she had never married my father and never had us, yet she wont leave him... she can't be bothered to leave him. Its gotton to the point that where by not doing anything to help us is just as bad as doing what he does. She has a problem but wont go to the doctor through fear that it is cancer and will die like her mother did - that scares me to death, for all her faults she is my mother - this I learnt from my sister who tried getting her to go to the doctor, but she wont.
The issues with my father are just getting worse and its at the point where I dread going to sleep because I know I will have to awake to it all. He makes our home hellish, his own son wont even say to words to him unless its "******** off", my brother wont even say that he is our father.
I am left, powerless watching whats left of the family crumble around me knowing that nothing is going to change it now, that we're all going to be unhappy within the family and that no one is going to come along and wave a magic wand healing what damage has been done. I am 16 years old, and I have seen far more than anyone knows. I can't pretend to be happy, here.... its past pretending. Everyone knows and everyone watches and nobody does anything. Have you ever felt alone in the world, like nobody cares and nobody wants to know and even if they did, you could never explain?? Well thats what it is like every single day for me.
If you can call that a family then all is good, but I can't. How my mother can fail to see the hurt and pain in her own childrens eyes makes it worse, we can look at her and shes is just so cold now, we all are perhaps.
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