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Part of me says I should say something, another says keep quiet. I'm never sure what you want, your the most complex person I know. I think I know you, then you do a 360, ya prove me wrong and I'm not talking about just recently either. I'm saying ocer the years I've known you. I try to get to know you. I do get to some points saying that I do, but there is always that doubt that hnestly true, saying 'you don't, you honestly don't'. I do my best to ignore it, just push forth and strive for you. I'm pretty simple when compared next to you. I think and do things acording to my emotions, I never think it over before doing something. I go with my insticts while you go with your brain. Sometimes I feel like you forget that I'm not like you...I don't hink things through, I'll never. It's not like I've tried..but my body insictly goes back to it. I feel like you want to mold me into a mini you...well you havn't actually done that in long time but you had at one time...it made me sad and made that you couldn't understand that I don't like doing things your way. Then I forget that I sometimes force you into doing things for me....I wondered all the time, why are you easting your time on me, when I keep repeating my mistakes...specially one that I know I just recently done...I relized it after you left...I started to think about it...and my heart fell..going 'oh god, what did I just do?'
I listened to the cd yesterday....right after you left....made my heart fall. making me think, there is no chance to go back to the way things were...I know there isn't but I like think about the possibalilty. I'm scared to touch you, scared to anger you, scared to make you laugh, cry, scream. i just want to be able to have this little connection...just barley there. When I'm around you, I feel empty...not emotionally empty but more like i'm awaiting something. I'm awaiting for you to lash out at me, tell me i'm as worthless as I am. I'm also waiting for you to hold me...tell me 'everything is okay.' even though it would be a lie....do you know, I still have your message on my phone, when you cried to me? I listen to it everyonce in awhile. I just thank god you came back to me. But you still won't depend on me, and you shouldn't cause I couldn't take it if I hurt you again. I'd just end up tearing myself inside till I was fully empty. i already wear a mask, I always do, even around you. I don't want to put my walls down yet...and if I'm not, I know you either won't put them down for years to come, or they'll never come down.
You may not need me, but I need you. I think about you alot, wonder if you think of me, but in the way I do. I dreamt about us last night. It was almost like a story....plan on drawing three pics....
I remeber that I was your gaurdian angel, floating slightly above and behind you, you had your hands up and I was golding onto them, we were laughing and walking.....then the sky grew dark...demon like wings grew from your back, as my angel wings shed their feathers to reveal demonic wings also. We started to lash out on one another, tearing each other apart. We ended sending each other far away...your wings dissapeared leaving great scars on your back, mine regained feathers, but they were damaged and dark. You slowly started to walk down the path, your head low, hands in your pocket. I go to your back, my hand reaches out, to touch the scars on your back, but I fear, I'm shaking and i'm can't touch them, I'm barley an inch away and I can't touch them. I move to look at you, I see tears falling and your eyes are blank, nothing there, you see past me as a ghost and you walk through me....I woke up then from my alarm....
What makes me sad, is I feel that way...alot. I wanna be there for you, but I see you have no need of that no more. I want you to want me....But I don't think that's possibale anymore....
I need you...
Amarou · Wed Feb 14, 2007 @ 08:19pm · 0 Comments |
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