Just writing in here 'cause it's been so long since I have... plus, I'm not sure why I bother, it's not like most of you people keep a tab on my journal anyway. ('cept for you, Indu heart ) A lot has happened since september... where to start...?
Well... for one, my love found another, and I'm still torn up about it, but that's just me I guess.... Everything was turned upside down... and then rounded around until finally, she decided that instead of just being with the both of us, she needed to "find out what was there"... which means now I'm single and still in love with the same woman.
I love spending time with her, and she makes me so happy inside. I know for sure that she is the one for me, forever and always... and she says that she can't see herself ever having a family with anyone but me... so then... why are we going through this? I understand that I sent her for a wild ride at the beginning of our relationship, and that I deserve to have the same feeling that she did, but.... I sometimes feel like, while I know what I did to her was wrong, it was in the very beginning, before there was actually any commitments... and now,.... after a year... when there have been so many commitmetns and promises and dreams... now it's over...
I'm always so lost without her, and I saw everything in my life planned out with her, and I still do... which is perhaps why it hurts so much that she wants another... I thought that I would be enough...
But, then again, I always told myself that she was way too good for me and that she could do a lot better, which I do still believe... but, in all honesty... I think that this other girl is NOT any better than me... so... that makes it harder.
She and I are still such good friends, and since she's normally the only one that actually reads these journal entries, I will say right now that I am sorry that I posted this... but... this journal was my outlet... my space where I knew I could write and not worry about my mother seeing any of what I write... I just want my dare-bear back....
Here's a poem I wrote a while back... enjoy....
Like We Meant Nothing At All
Look at us... Do you see?
I’ve closed all the windows, locked all the doors...
Tied you down to the chair,
Finally got you alone with my thoughts...
And yet, one look from your sad eyes,
And I am calling her back to you.
Loosening the ropes,
Throwing open the blinds,
Escorting you from the room,
Back into her arms.
Where did the love go?
Did it hide from you?
From me?
I can’t help but think that you...
You and all of your emotions...
Took it away from me...
From us.
We can’t help but be lost in this darkness,
Lost from all of our fears.
Lost in our own hearts.
You are scared...
This I know... but...
Of what?
Of me?
I’m scared.
Not of you.
But of the thought of losing you.
Of staring out at the stars at night and knowing...
Knowing that you are spending the night wrapped in her arms,
Curled up next to her emotions.
I want to get you back.
You want me to stop.
I want to hold you.
You want to hold her.
I want to tell you I love you.
You tell the both of us.
I want to kiss you.
You kissed her.
You’ve given up on us...
Like we meant nothing at all.
Katsika Community Member 
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