I don’t know what to think anymore. Everything’s been turned upside down in my life so bad that I can’t take it anymore. I wish so badly to take the easy way out. To just take that knife to my wrist or throat and be rid of all that troubles me. How sweet that would be to forever be in long awaited freedom but these thoughts are just a fleeting dream. A sweet dream to me but a nightmare to those who care for me.
I’m so sick of this life that I’m living. I don’t know how much more of this unwanted stress I can take before I finally snap under the pressure weighting down on my shoulders. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. I’m sick of never being able to make my mom proud of me. No matter what I try it never seems to be good enough for her I’m sick of trying to make everyone happy and failing miserably. I try my hardest to make sure everyone else is content and happy that I am always exhausted but still wear a smiling face to mask how I truly feel .
I feel so horrible about everything whether it was my fault or not. My boyfriend, Kurogasa, is so sweet and kind to me and all I do is push him away. I guard myself from his love and all because I’m afraid of getting my heart broken. I know full well that Kuro-dono would never do such a thing but I can’t shake that feeling. I truly love him beyond a shadow of a doubt but I’m still guarded when I shouldn’t.
With all of this stress and pressure around me and my life, it’s like a battle in itself to not take the easy way out of it all. Each day the stress and pressure grows and each day its harder for me stop myself from picking up that knife and taking my own life. It feels as though I could snap any minute and that thought scares me to the core. I fear for not only my own life but the lives of those who care for me and are close to me. I know not what would happen if I ever completely lost control of the slowly growing monstrosities, stress and pressure.
My mind feels as though it will implode upon it self if something doesn’t change within this life of mine soon. But a question has emerged in my mind and a very curious question indeed. Why should I care if I snap and take my life? I wish desperately for the angel of death to come and take me off to those pearly gates but at the same instant I fear the thought also. I’m not entirely sure if that is the road I wish to travel but right at this moment anything that can take me away from this life would be fine by me. I need to escape.
^ToyaMaster^ · Wed Mar 14, 2007 @ 11:54pm · 0 Comments |