It's sort of choppy, nothing really flows together. You're not really showing us the story, it's a lot of telling.
The initial ideas are there, you just need to take some chances with how you tell the story in terms of description. The way you've done makes the story sound very generic/teen fictionish.
Can you be more specific in anyways?
I don't see what's really choppy... can you give me an example? And to show you the story, like.... in what terms? Hmmm... this is interesting, and I need to hear what u got to say, b more critical about my work. I'm trying to take this very serious, and if it's a serious change, then that needs to be made. When you say I need to change how I tell the story, does that mean like... I'm over describing things? The words I'm using are awkward? I'm not describing them well? I don't want this to be a boring story, so if u can pick apart things for me, that'd b great. I wrote this story almost 4 years ago, and now I'm rewriting the entire thing, and I've not even covered 10%. I guess I should read some books, I haven't really read to much in my life which sucks cause it goes hand in hand with writing, I have read a total of like 5 books. It's horrible. lol
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The initial ideas are there, you just need to take some chances with how you tell the story in terms of description. The way you've done makes the story sound very generic/teen fictionish.
Can you be more specific in anyways?
I don't see what's really choppy... can you give me an example? And to show you the story, like.... in what terms? Hmmm... this is interesting, and I need to hear what u got to say, b more critical about my work. I'm trying to take this very serious, and if it's a serious change, then that needs to be made. When you say I need to change how I tell the story, does that mean like... I'm over describing things? The words I'm using are awkward? I'm not describing them well? I don't want this to be a boring story, so if u can pick apart things for me, that'd b great. I wrote this story almost 4 years ago, and now I'm rewriting the entire thing, and I've not even covered 10%. I guess I should read some books, I haven't really read to much in my life which sucks cause it goes hand in hand with writing, I have read a total of like 5 books. It's horrible. lol