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It's strange to look back on this. It wasn't long ago but it's so far away from who I am today that I've got to stop, breathe, and smile.

Even if I'm posting this tipsy.

To make a very long story short: we tried, in a small, crooked, endless way to make things work. And maybe it could have, for him, but it never would for me. A few weeks ago, after choking on all the indecision and anger and hope of it all, I finally decided to end my marriage. Even typing that sentence is hard; an acknowledgement of The End. It's wonderful and heartbreaking in so many ways and I keep floundering with myself.

For now, we live together. We're better friends than spouses. There's no pressure, there's easy affection, and I'm glad it's this way. I wish him nothing but the best. Still, it's a difficult transition--being that we still share the same house, car, and bed). I prefer this "weaning" of sorts, as I feel that cutting it all off abruptly would be too painful... but I can't help wondering if that'd be healthiest.

For now, things work. I know what I know, and what's been done. I guess... I just wonder if anyone else has ever found themselves in such transition. Needing each other, or the comfort of Someone Else, before easing in different directions... good or bad. This man is all I know. In all aspects he is really my first, and only relationship, and it was 4 and a half years of marriage. I want to know if there's a better way to do things, to handle things; if what I'd doing, feeling, and expressing is a normal mourning process for all that couldn't be. Whatever the experience, I would love to hear it.

Thank you for the response. heart I'm kind of feeling a little lost with how things are unwraveling.

I think I spoke too soon about things being tentatively hopeful, benign, and friendly. It's kind of softly awful now, actually. He's... abrupt, cold, and just.... not a way a friend should ever act. Which is understandable, I guess. I initiated this divorce and, supposedly, he doesn't want that any longer.

Things are just caught and really ******** up. Boundaries are blurred. We share the same bed, I will sometimes buy him dinner, and it's this hollow living, this farse, of hope and The End and so much confusion... and then reality. And it needs to end. But moving in the immediate future isn't an option unless I want to ******** him over financially.

: (

I don't have any friends or immediate family in the area. I'm in Florida and family is either in Texas or Connecticut. I'm reluctant to abandon my financial responsibilities, being that they'll be resolved in another 6 or 7 months... but I'm really slipping here. I'm not okay. I'm not healthy and there are days it's a struggle to come home. I'd love therapy and though I'm legally still on my mother's insurance 'till I'm 26 I don't think it'll cover it. It's expensive and I'd hate for my family to know the details.

This may just be something I'll have to whiteknuckle for awhile until I can get out. The problem is that I keep slipping, only slightly, back to, "I want to give in, try again, hope again," because cohabiting with him makes it all the more difficult to move on. And then something happens to remind me why I feel the way I feel and it's all so poisoned again.

Holy crap. So. A lot has changed. And I mean, a lot.

It's crazy how we're influenced by Disney mist and sappy novels to believe that relationships are All Good Things and it's supposed to be this strong, certain thing that always feels "right." We aren't told about the doubts, the resentment, the visceral disagreements and all the work that goes into a marriage. All the ups and downs and growth as you live alongside someone else and share a life together.

I thought I "knew" I wanted divorce because I was angry. I was drinking weekly, almost daily, I was depressed, and I thought the liberation of letting go of my marriage was what I needed. I bitterly decided to cut things off and still cohabit while the hubby wanted to try and finally, in early September, he started to move on. Met new friends, went out nightly at odd hours, and a girl took a shining to him.

That hit me in the gut. He was moving on and it wasn't what I wanted. I can honestly say the whole of September was the worst month of my life. He was set in the divorce now, it was going to happen, and I was trying to backpeddle it.

Long, crazy a** story aside: he's my husband again. We're okay. We're healing. I haven't felt this in love since.... I think I just fell in love with him all over again. It feels like rediscovery.

I guess you really don't know what you want, what you need, until it's about to die away from you forever.

I am so happy. So thanks, everyone, for the advice.

Oh, and that girl? Totally not a problem anymore. He froze her of out of the picture. : )