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 Posted: Sat Dec 02, 2006 8:08 am
Hrm, so, I had a pretty good birthday (the 29th). I got my new car FINALLY. She is ever so cute. whee Her name is Betty-San, as she's my third car. Though I've been terrified she'll get damaged--I need to clean out the garage to move her in there. She's just barely narrow enough to fit up my driveway between my house and the one next door and I'm so scared I'll take off a side mirror. It takes me like five minutes to get out of the driveway--thank ******** I don't have to back out! eek
I'm kind of pissed at my sister who promised me a party and has yet to deliver. I suppose I should have known she wouldn't make the effort, and neither would anyone else in my family. I'm 26, I suppose I don't get cake and candles anymore... sad Stupid adulthood....no fun at all....
I seem to be happier since I got my car--that's a huge load off my mind. I still need to submit my application to pharmacy school asap.
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Posted: Wed Dec 06, 2006 9:03 am
I was supposed to see my shrink today, and then I get a call from his office that he had to go into the hospital for emergency surgery. Finally, a shrink I actually respected, who respected me.
I hope he's okay... sad
I don't know what's going on with teh cute. I think I really have a crush on him. I have the hardest time talking to him. And then I want to cry. I don't know how he makes me feel horrible...I'm sure he's not trying...it's just...difficult. I just want to see him outside work, be able to sit him down and say what I want without things interrupting.
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Posted: Thu Dec 07, 2006 8:59 am
I'm gradually getting my application done--I already got one of my references. I hope it's good... gonk I can't see it until I submit my application.
I got a good bit accomplished yesterday, which is always nice. Then I played NWN for like 3 hours.... xp
On Tuesday I ran into some problems, I think some of it was Teh Cute making me nervous. And lo and behold, I had left my Ativan at home. I thought I'd be okay without it, but after an hour of feeling like I was going to break down and cry at any second I called my mom and had her bring it to me. I was feeling like absolute s**t, I even felt a bit suicidal. I think it's PMS. I seem to be okay most of the month but then for one or two days I feel horrible, even with the 'zac. I tried to tell myself "it's all in your head, it'll go away, it's not real, you can ignore it," but anyone with depression knows how hard that is. You know your feelings are irrational, but they're still there.
I found myself thinking about Zin-chan last night. I want so badly to find someone like him, but I don't see how anyone else could be so perfect for me. I know if he still exists in any form, he loves me. And I love him, no matter what. cry Even if he's not really "there" anymore. ********, if I don't stop writing I'm going to cry...
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Posted: Thu Dec 14, 2006 8:21 am
I went to the gyno yesterday, and one of the questions she asked me was if I exercise regularly. I said "not regularly..." and she commented "not enough hours in the day, eh?"
That's exactly the way I feel. Like I don't have time for anything. Certainly not for putting up Yule decorations, though I managed to get some put up. ^_^
I stayed up until 2 last night gaming and now I'm tired. I need to go straight to bed when I get home from work, but I'm usually wide awake...
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Posted: Sat Dec 23, 2006 2:38 pm
My mom is basically spending the winter break driving to nola and picking up the last of our stuff, then selling her old piece of s**t car and coming back in a U-haul.
I thought I would be okay today, and I was, for a while, but all of a sudden it was like I felt horrible, I was so ******** lonely. I'll be seeing my paternal family tomorrow, and we'll have mushroom soup and pierogi and they'll have fish and I'll stuff myself with cookies.
It's rather impressive, I'm not so much anticipating what presents I'll get, but seeing how happy my presents will make other people. Especially my sister, she'll freak. whee
I like to decorate, I like to make cards and things like that, but if I'm having a bad day, it seems like an overwhelming chore. I've come to dislike the holidays because I see them as obligations to do things. I try not to be that way, I know it's a bad mindset to have.
It's freezing cold and windy outside, but not showing any signs of snow. stressed
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Posted: Wed Dec 27, 2006 8:43 am
I'm having a ******** over today. However, my libido is in the sewer. I hate to disappoint him, but I'm really in no mood to do anything except the dozens of chores and errands I have. It's my day off, and if they don't get done today, they won't get done before my mom gets home.
I want to switch to Cymbalta, but I probably shouldn't take the two together at all (as they potentiate each other a good bit), and I want to finish the 'zac I have so it doesn't go to waste. It wasn't free. I still have a ton of doxepin in the house, I figure I can use that if I need a really good night's sleep and am having bad allergies. xp Of course, I have Zyrtec for that...
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Posted: Thu Dec 28, 2006 8:51 am
Also, I got David D. Burns' "Feeling Good" for Yule and started reading it. My score on the Burns Depression Checklist is 61. "Severely" depressed, though not "extremely." I think what they need to do is weight suicidal ideation at at least twice that of other symptoms--if someone wants to die, they're not "mildly" depressed, even if they have no other symptoms. But that's just my lay opinion.
22 on the HAM-D, too.
My shrink thinks I'm a "reverse hypochondriac"--hyperchondriac? in that I downplay my symptoms. I may be wrong, but I think he said I got a 50 on the Beck inventory.
If I'm actually worse than that, why am I not dead?
I know why I'm not dead, actually. I have a family that would be devastated, a family who's also mentally ill (all of my nuclear family and many cousins and aunts as well) and frankly, I would not be surprised if my death caused a psychotic break for one of them, especially if my death was self-inflicted.
The only way around this, of course, would be to kill all of us at once, but I could never do that, no matter how horrible my life is.
I actually felt pretty good last night, did the dishes and cleaned a bit, now I'm pissed at myself for spending so much time on Gaia, but the happiness was probably the combination of Ativan and Lortab.
I doubt any doctor of any respectability whatsoever would prescribe me Lortab for depression...but it works....
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Posted: Sun Dec 31, 2006 11:33 pm
Yeah, sometimes when I feel really bad I consider how my friends would react if I were to die. I can honestly say my best friend in particular would be devestated; she gets really upset when I am in a low mood because she blames herself for not being able to make me happy.
But I guess it's a good thing. I mean, if you have people who would be devestated by the loss of you, they must care about you. If they didn't, then they wouldn't care whether you live or die.
I wonder if there is an actual term for a "reverse hypochondriac". Never thought about it until now, though I must say I like hyperchondriac.
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Posted: Tue Jan 02, 2007 10:24 pm
I love my shrink. I really don't want to see anyone else.
I hate his staff. I hope they all get fired so I can see my shrink in peace with no further incidents like this:
One of them gave me an appointment card with "1/2/07" on it, but with Friday circled instead of Tuesday.
I called to ask if my appt. really was the 2nd.
No one answered. I left a message.
No one returned my call. I drove quite a ways to the office today to find the door locked. There were people there, though, and someone informed me that there were no appointments today. I showed the guy my card. I told him I called. I told him no one called me back. He told me to call later to find out when my appointment was. He called me while I was at work to tell me...
The appointment is for 1/12/07.
Someone forgot the 1.
stressed
Time for bed, though...I want to get a lot accomplished tomorrow. I mailed my Xavier transcript request and faxed my UNO release form, so that's good. 3nodding
The countdown until the deadline on Imbolc has begun... eek
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Posted: Mon Jan 08, 2007 7:40 am
My transcript from Xavier is in to PharmCAS.
biggrin
I finished my supplemental application yesterday, complete with my essay on my depression and Zin-chan's death, and submitted it.
biggrin
I worked on my other essay and might finish it today. I went to bed at 9:30 last night, feeling rather sick, and got up early enough to have time to do plenty today.
biggrin
I'm feeling good about my application. 3nodding It's only the 8th, there is no need to panic. I see my shrink on Friday, and have exactly enough 'zac to last until then, and I'll probably get Cymbalta samples from him and can start that. whee
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Posted: Wed Jan 10, 2007 10:40 pm
For the past three days (and I've been on my period, so maybe that's it) when I come home from work I'm irritated as hell or just crying my eyes out. I don't know why. Now i'm drinking. Like that'll help.
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Posted: Tue Jan 16, 2007 8:30 am
I stepped down to 20 mg 'zac this weekend, and didn't take anything yesterday or today. Luckily the bastards at my shrink's office rescheduled me for today. No withdrawal symptoms, though I don't think I've ever had any on Prozac. If everything goes as planned, they'll give me samples and I start Cymbalta tomorrow.
I finished my application essay yesterday (yay! I accomplished something!) and as soon as I get my last reference and my last transcript in I can submit my application. eek
I'm scared... gonk
But confident.
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Posted: Wed Jan 17, 2007 11:17 am
Since they gave me 60 mg samples, I guess I have to start there.
Took one 60 mg cap this morning with a light breakfast. No apparent side effects. Baseline BDI score 23. I'm feeling quite hopeful, about pharmacy school as well, and I got a qid lorazepam script this time, so I don't have to worry about running out. 3nodding
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Posted: Thu Jan 18, 2007 9:57 am
I'm done with my essay, after some last-ditch editing and my friend's nitpicking--he's a master's candidate for English. My last reference is in and now I'm just waiting for my last transcript to get in and I can submit my application.
Last night I felt really good, too. Before bed, I brushed, flossed and swished with my fluoride rinse and wore my mouth guard to sleep. This is one of those little things I usually find myself not bothering to do (kind of embarassing, really), but this time I was able to tell myself to do it. Do it, you know it's good for you and you'll feel good about yourself, you want to take care of yourself, you want to be healthy, it'll only take a minute but you'll feel so much better. And I did, it was nice to know that I made the effort to do something like that.
I also noticed I wasn't quite as hungry when I got home from work, nor did I have much of an appetite.
If the Cymbalta lessens my appetite, I will love it forever. 3nodding
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Posted: Sun Feb 04, 2007 8:58 am
The Cymbalta seems to be working as well as the Prozac, at least, and I seem to be okay, and motivated to do things rather than just sit around the house. There's only so much one can do when it's like 0 degrees F outside. gonk
I do seem to be a bit irritable, though. I hope I'm not getting addicted to the Ativan. I was worrying about my irritability on Friday...and then the next day I got my period. stare So that explains a lot.
And of course, it's hard to think about Zin-chan. I know only time will make that easier. I'm still very uncomfortable talking to his parents. They promised to bring me some of his ashes on Tuesday, now I have to find my soldering iron--I'm going to put a pile of ashes in the locket I have and then solder it shut. It's probably in the attic somewhere, which is freezing...*sigh*
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