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 Posted: Sat Aug 26, 2006 8:48 am
Starting one of these is probably a good idea, since I don't focus exclusively on my mood in my LJ...
Feel free to comment, y'all.
As an introduction:
I have major depression and panic disorder, the latter of which has been nearly stomped into submission with my current regimen of 40 mg Prozac daily and 1 mg Ativan as needed. The depression--not so much. I responded well to the 'zac at first, then tried Sinequan with it, then just the Sinequan, then Lexapro (my new shrink's misguided attempt to save me money), and now I'm back to the 'zac. It doesn't seem to be working quite as well as before, but there are a lot of things going on in my life--in chronological order:
My fiance and bestest friend in the world, I'll call him Zin-chan, suddenly, out of nowhere, had a massive heart attack and passed away on 11/14/04. I think the only reason I didn't kill myself is because I didn't want to upset my family.
Hurricane Freakin' Katrina. My experience was a lot less traumatic than that of a lot of people, but I still drove all the way across the country with my mom and my birds and all we could fit in the car, looking for hotels with vacancies and only after a few days figuring out where we were going. When we made it back to my hometown of Buffalo, I had to complete the semester at a new college. My instructors were sympathetic, but only after the counselor there asked them to be.
I had been planning on moving back anyways, to go to SUNY Buffalo for pharmacy school. I applied, got put on the wait list, and only a few days ago found out they had filled the class and I wouldn't be going there this year.
I'm currently working as a pharmacy technician in a hospital, where I recently got a poor review where I was criticized for not being friendly enough to my coworkers and being too quiet. Maybe two people I work with, out of a couple dozen, have ever been the least bit friendly to me. Some people talk down to me outright.
In addition to that, I'm a temporary employee, and have no benefits of any kind, including no sick days. I applied for four permanent positions and lost out on all of them.
And one of my birds passed away, in my hands, a few days ago too. I had to watch her convulse and cough up blood while I tried in vain to revive her.
My mood has been apathetic, but in recent days has gotten a bit better. I sort of try not to think about my situation most of the time. I try not to sleep all day or spend too much time on Gaia.
So yeah, I'll write more when I think of something...
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Posted: Tue Aug 29, 2006 7:29 am
Well.
My boss called me into his office and offered me one of the permanent positions.
Just as the health insurance I BOUGHT is about to kick in, I get a job with benefits.
I nearly cried in his office.
And now it's like, I got rejected from UB and am really upset over that, but I got a permanent job and am really happy about that. I don't know how to feel!
It's a huge relief, though, that that uncertainty is out of my life.
Oi... neutral
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Posted: Wed Sep 06, 2006 6:29 pm
My finch died today. That's two birds in....two weeks?
He was pretty elderly. That doesn't make it any easier.
I spent my workday thinking about this guy I have a crush on, a coworker I see occasionally. I'm worried I'm becoming obsessed with him.
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Posted: Thu Sep 07, 2006 7:07 pm
I was worried that my coworker (I'll call him Teh Cute 4laugh ) might have quit, because I know he's taking classes this semester, but I saw him in the elevator today (not alone, unfortunately, he was with a patient) and I was like whee for the rest of my shift! I told him how I got a permanent job--I had been hoping I'd be telling him in a situation where he could give me a hug in congratulations, but oh well. I'm so happy I saw him again! I try not to think about him so much, but he's so adorable. My other coworkers think he's a freak, but I consider that a good thing. xd They think I'm a freak too. I'm so depressed and stressed all the time, I just want someone to cuddle with. And he's the kind of hyper-cute bishie I can see myself cuddling with. I did a quick tektek of him even:  whee I'm nuts...
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Posted: Fri Sep 08, 2006 8:29 pm
Today I got bitched at by a coworker for neglecting to do something while on my shift this week, but I had no idea I needed to do it. She didn't believe me when I told her this, and went on to loudly rant in the next room to other coworkers--I assume about me, though I couldn't make out what she was saying.
I stayed very calm, and I hadn't even taken any lorazepam beforehand. I guess I don't really get upset when it's something that isn't my fault and the person pissed off isn't in a position to fire me or whatnot. I just shrugged it off and kept working. I kept thinking about it, but I didn't get upset. So that's good. Score one for my sanity. When I got home I ranted to my mom a bit about the back-asswards way things are run and people are trained where I work, but again, not any more upset than what would be normal for someone in my situation.
I honestly absolutely love how Prozac has made it possible for me to remain calm and say "okay, no need to freak out, things will be fine" and even calm down members of my familywho should probably be on it toowhen they get upset.
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Posted: Fri Sep 15, 2006 2:04 pm
I've been sleeping a LOT lately, and it worries me. I know I'm depressed. I don't feel like doing much of anything, I just want to sleep. Work totally drains me, but then, it seems like just getting up in the morning is draining, and I just want to go back to sleep.
I got to talk to Teh Cute yesterday, though, and mentioned how I never see him anymore. I didn't get the chance to ask him for his phone number, which I really want to do--I was already surrounded by coworkers who could hear everything, and I'm surprised no one picked on me today for talking to him. I'm worried that I fantasize about him too much, and I'll be disappointed. neutral
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Posted: Sat Sep 16, 2006 5:03 pm
YAY I was social today! Yesterday I asked Zin-chan's best friend, who I kind of know, to go to this beer tasting with me. So we went, and had a lot of fun, and it was all good. 3nodding Drank a lot of good beer.
Often it's just really hard to get off my a** and do something, even something I like--it just feels like too much work. I sometimes worry that I'm just lazy, but it doesn't make sense to be too lazy to do something you enjoy... sad
I'm buzzed. Heehee! whee
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Posted: Mon Sep 25, 2006 7:55 am
So...I'm not sure what's going on with my mood. I had to work with a pharmacist I hate yesterday, though I'm finding it easy to be just amused by his uber-bitchy ways. He can't fire me, so I really don't care what his opinion of me is. He yelled at me the day before for something totally minor and I sort of smirked and was like "Ok, whatever..." and actually had a laugh about it with another pharmacist who witnessed the whole thing.
I didn't even take any Ativan yesterday, and managed to keep in pretty good spirits the whole shift. I guess some days are better than others...
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Posted: Thu Sep 28, 2006 5:23 pm
I never used to have PMS (mood-wise), until I went from Prozac to Sinequan and Lexapro. Now I'm just back on 'zac and it looks like the uterus-related depression has gone away...
But today...sort of in the middle of bleedin' time...I felt so horrible.
Yesterday it sort of reared its ugly head, and now I'm feeling it again. I actually want to cut myself. I can say no, but the urge is there.
I saw Teh Cute today, briefly, we ended up in the elevator together along with a few other people. I remember him holding the door open and I wanted so badly to touch his arm, to hold his hand--I almost did, without thinking. He seemed to be having a bad day and I just wanted to give him a hug but with so many people around I really couldn't.
When I got home, I crawled into bed and cried. I'm so lonely. I just want someone to hold me. All my friends are thousands of miles away. I'm almost desperate enough to try going to a bar by myself and just picking a guy up so I can have some physical contact with someone. cry
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Posted: Fri Oct 20, 2006 8:27 am
*sigh* It's like my mood swings daily, or every other day. It doesn't, of course, but I go from not-so-depressed to really-depressed to moderately-depressed.
Earlier this week, I continued flirting hardcore with this guy at work, and, to my surprise, he slipped away with me to a remote part of the building and actually made a move on me.
He's married. I knew this. I didn't know he has a baby son, but he told me. He was constantly beating himself up for cheating on his wife with me.
But we did indeed have sex. (Oral, and maybe he doesn't consider that as bad, I don't know.)
I don't even know his last name.
In the heat of the moment, so to speak, I told him it had been so long since anyone touched me and I was so lonely. I knew as I was saying it that it was a mistake. I think he thinks I only slept with him because he was willing.
I haven't seen him since. I almost started crying at work the day before yesterday, I felt so lonely. I know he doesn't love me, I don't love him, I told him I don't even *want* him to dump his wife for me. But I like him, as a friend, and I just want someone to snuggle with. I just like feeling wanted.
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Posted: Fri Oct 20, 2006 6:34 pm
I know what you mean about being lonely and wanting someone to touch, but they're two different things. I know this, so i'm assuming you do, too.
I don't want to come down on you, but before I read this I was disscussing the topic of "cheating" with a friend(possibly a gf someday soon, who knows. we're getting to know each other still) and we're both disgusted with people that cheat on other people, because it really really hurts the person cheated on. She even told me her mother cheated on her dad and how it was killing him and her mother didn't even care. So, please please be careful who you flirt with. I'd flirt with someone, too, but i'm just too shy.
But again, I know that sex is something i'd love to have and someone to relate to as more than friends is something I want even more (desperately). So again, I know how lonely feels. However I won't have sex without love. It's not worth it in my eyes, but we have different views on that I guess.
I'm sorry if this comes off the wrong way. I just felt like I had to say something. I feel for ya being lonely, though.
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Posted: Mon Oct 23, 2006 8:33 am
See, this is different for me because I'm polyamorous. I've never had an exclusive relationship and I never will. I don't want someone I love to feel like they can't love anyone else.
I talked to the guy yesterday--he hadn't been avoiding me, he'd been on vacation for 5 days, heh. I explained that I really do like him, he wasn't just someone random, but I don't expect any kind of "relationship" beyond us just being friends, and that's fine with me.
In a ideal world for me, his wife would want to join in. But it probably won't happen, and I'm okay with that; I don't have a crush on the guy or anything, I don't need him.
In fact, I think all I really "need" is someone to be close friends with. Someone who can give me a hug when I'm having a really shitty day like I did yesterday, when I started crying at work and had to hide in a conference room and sob for like ten minutes. I took 2 mg Ativan and a Percocet as well--I wish I hadn't had to, but I was so desperate. It was bad--I wanted to cut myself, I wanted to die, even. Jesus, if this is all because of my period I'll perform the damn hysterectomy myself. gonk
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Posted: Thu Oct 26, 2006 9:46 pm
My crush, Teh Cute, told me today that he has a girlfriend.
I'm taking it surprisingly well, really...
It seemed like he felt really bad that we had that misunderstanding, and assured me that he didn't hate me or anything. He touched my arm several times, too, which is kind of weird for me because I'm very much *not* the touchy-feely type at ALL. If I touch you, unless it's a handshake or a quick hug, it's because I'm sexually attracted to you, so I interpret hands on arms and whatnot as sexual and I'll jerk away if I'm not comfortable with that.
As long as I can be friends with him, I'm okay, I think.
But Venus knows I don't take "I have a girlfriend" for an answer. To me that only means "flirt harder." neutral
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Posted: Mon Nov 13, 2006 8:01 am
My insurance finally kicked in on the first, and I had to look everywhere for a primary care physician. The shrink I want to see won't see me without a referral, and I need a PCP for that. I ended up going to one simply because he had an opening the next day. He gave me new scripts for my meds, thank ********, and I got those filled so no more worrying about staying medicated, and I can take my Ativan without worrying about running out.
I wasn't really impressed by the guy, but he didn't argue when I told him I knew I was depressed. He also wants me to get an EKG for my tachycardia... eek
I talked to my MIL last night--finally got up the strength to call her, and she told me she was so happy to hear from me, that she thought about me often and that she loves me. To the latter I found myself so tongue-tied I just said "uh....um.....ditto. Sorry, I have no idea what to say..." and laughed. It's not that I'm uncomfortable around her, we just have a rather weird relationship, one based around the worst tragedy we've ever experienced.
Speaking of which, tomorrow is the 2nd anniversary of Zin-chan's death.
*sigh*
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Posted: Sat Nov 25, 2006 8:00 am
It seems like I spend all my time sitting in front of the compy with my mom harassing me to do things. Do laundry. Call these people. Come to dinner. Have you done this yet? Are you going to do this?
It just makes me feel guilty and horrible. I know it's because of the depression that everything feels like such a huge effort and I don't want to make the effort to do anything.
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