Welcome to Gaia! ::

Well that’s cool if it helps you.

I understand the power of unity (being a communist).

I am not a fan of violence and war though.

Green. Green. Green as in my toothbrush. I see blue an silver. Red. Pen. His shirt is striped. When I was little my dad dropped the car keys in the grate in the sidewalk. Salmon is tasty. Its best raw. The waves in the ocean outside my room. They are going to come and get me. If I through my jewelry at it I will be safe. The floor is covered in vines. Ellen was a friend of mine, well maybe. I don’t think I really liked her. Nicole, I really liked her, but she was so popular. Black nails. I broke a nail. It wasn’t broken last time I looked. I wonder how it happened. Chicken, yum. Ka? Redundancy. How can one prove anything? There is no way. Everything that we try to prove is based on earlier assumptions. Scientists are all about never assuming anything, but they assume all the time. Does anything really exist? How can one be so sure? What can one do to prove it? I see a little fuchsia in the corner. FANBOY. Smelly, fat Otaku. Up, down, around, over, through, wormhole. FIVE GOLD RINGS. One should never touch a whiteboard with one’s hands. It makes them dirty, but most of all, it leaves ones hand oils on the board. This makes the board not work as well. Why do all cars have faces? Whenever I am riding

A glass of milk a glass of pine, tree sap is sticky. I get it on my fingers and I can’t wash it off. What is it for? I don’t know. It’s like blood. My blood is red. Red like communism, maybe. What should I do. My life is slipping away. My goals fade. Fear encompasses me, envelops me, ignores me. It hurts but no one can see. It’s an invisible illness. I know it’s here but I can’t prove it. I can’t prove anything really. Every proof is based off assumptions. How can you prove those assumptions? You can’t. Its not possible to go all the way back and prove all our fundamental assumptions. Even if we did go back they are so fundamental that proof is not possible. They can only be assumed. They are observations only and inherently flawed. Flaw, what is a flaw? Have you seen a flawed diamond? It’s beautiful. It truly is. It’s flawed. The human life is flawed. It is beautiful. A Zen rock garden too is flawed. Is the beauty in the “mistakes?” Maybe it is.

Blue is the colour of my pillow under its thin sheath, sitting on this hard small bed. There is some schmutz on the wall. There was some on my dad’s clothes. It was cranberry juice. That stuff never comes out. He said he might have to “deep 6” it. What does that mean anyway? 6 is an interesting number. 6, hex, is it a spell of magical properties? Is it just an ordinary number? It’s a beautiful number, but I’ll move on. I have a spiral bound sketchbook and that’s what I’m writing in, in a hospital, a mental hospital, with all the crazies. I’m crazy. It’s ok sometimes it’s a lot of fun. The joy that encompasses me when I’m becoming psychotic, it’s embarrassing to say but I might call it better than orgasmic. My water bottle is half full, or is it half empty? I josh but my dad says his cup is cracked. They’ve been painting the walls in here. Its mildly perturbing. The walls they have done are really nice. The kitchen is orange. Is that the only basic colour named after a food? I have green shoes. I don’t like socks. I don’t like shoes but I need them. 6, is 2, is 3, is 5 la la la. My back hurts. The blankets here are cotton. I hate cotton. It hurts my skin. I don’t know why but it does some cotton doesn’t but most does. I don’t know. I don’t know what day it is. I have to keep asking. I cant remember. My stomach hurts a little maybe I should go to sleep. Maybe. There is something some code, a government code in the MBTA commuter rail schedule. I’m not sure what but I’m working on it. There are extra numbers on the schedule that are not accounted for. That’s where the code is. It could be or subliminal messaging. No number is repeated. I asked many people what it was for but no one knew or would tell. This was suspicions since all the other numbers have clear meaning. I asked the man at the ticket booth and he got quite testy, sent me on a wild goose chase. They said some non-sense. I know it’s a code or something of the like. There is dirt on my bed. I should wash the linins, and my clothes. I have the time. I never had before. The way light falls on a little toy basketball, I like it. I’m tiered. 8:45 am. I put my foot in the ocean, cold, muscles tense, breath forced out, relax, I’m getting used to it. I look down. There is my foot. I can see it clearly. It looks bigger than it appears out of the water. Why? I’ve had it explained to me but I don’t get it.

Note: I am having increased EPS, hand twitching mostly and jaw chattering.

February 2, 2007

It’s been two weeks now since I moved into the group home. Things have been tough. Most nights I hear voices badly and the times that I don’t I am consumed with fear. Not fear about anything in particular just fear. It can manifest in many ways. It can be fear about getting a job or finding friends or just washing my hands. It is just general fear that cripples me. It most often happens at night but can happen in the day too. I have been trying very hard to overcome it. Tonight I hope to go to the MIT anime showing. I think that would be really good for me. I might be able to find some new friends there. I really need to work on my resume more and get a better start on finding a job. I have a meeting with my goals person this Monday and I hope to work on it then. I feel like I cry every night. I don’t want to mess up and I fear that I will. I mess up everything it seems. I don’t want to have to go back into the hospital but some times it’s so hard I wish I was in the hospital. I always hate being in the hospital but there is a feeling of safety there that is comforting. The voices are not as bothersome in the hospital because there is little they can tell me to do to hurt my self. I hope that things work out well at this group home. I have just finished my orientation period and I will be cooking dinner next Monday. I am nervous about it because I have to cook with two other people. One of them I like but the other I dislike very much. She frightens me. I don’t know how to deal with her so I try to avoid her, but that won’t be possible if we are cooking together.