Welcome to Gaia! ::

This is my journal

I will start out with some entries I have already written and then add things as they come.

Comment if you wish. This is just me trying to work out stuff. Don't feel obligated to comment.

2006-10-29

What is a soul?

What is a soul? Its one of those questions that just keeps popping up. Do we ever really answer it? I know I haven't. There are so many people out there in this world. Do we all have souls, souls in just the same way? What would it be like to be looking out from another’s body? What would it be like to be looking out from another’s soul? I don't know and I doubt that anyone does really. Never the less I think that it is an important question to ask ourselves. Are we all so very different? Have you ever looked at someone and really seen them. Not seen them as another person but truly seen them as a fellow soul. Have you ever looked at the face of a stranger, looked intently at all the wrinkle in his skin, all the muscles underneath, some tight some lose? He is a man, a person just like you and just like you he is a soul in a fleshy home. He looks out at the world just like you, and just like you he has dreams, hopes, wishes, and fears. What if you were him? He has every right that you have to a life, to happiness, to contentment. Will you allow him that? Will you deny him that? Will you help him up if he falls? Will you ignore him? After all he is a stranger what obligation do you have to him? What does it mean to be a stranger? I'm not sure that such a thing exists. We are all souls separate yes but also inseparable. If all that existed was you, nothing else, you were alone in a vacuum, not even you body with you, just a soul in the midst of nothingness, do you really exist? You may immediately say yes but think about it. Are you so sure.

Nothing exists in a vacuum. The existence of anything from a rock to a human being is dependant on the rest of existence, the rest of the people making up this earth, the rest of the stones making up the earth. So when you look out your soul through your eyes make sure that you see. Don't just look and categorize blindly. See the world for all its beauty. When you see suffering no matter how big or small reach out your hand, your heart. We ignore each other far too often at this rate all of existence is likely to fade away. So look and SEE. Listen and HEAR. Connection, communication, understanding, we need these things to be.

2006-11-30

Today I have decided that will I am trying to work things out with my mental illness I will try to do something with my life and have fun with it.

I am studying game theory on my own. I have always been interested in it but never really acted on it.

Ever since I was in first grade I have loved math and wanted to make it my life.

I am 19 and if I want to do it I don't have much time left...

The only way is independent study.

I am reading a lot of game theory material and making studies of my own. I hope all goes well. Math tends to be a catalyst for me but even though I know that I still cant keep my self away. Math is my joy.

I like my schizophrenia but it posses some definite difficulty’s. Paradigms are of integral importance to the functionality of the human mind and though it is important to see that you have a paradigm rather than let it control you views it is hard to live without one. I annihilate mine regularly.

2006-12-4

Most people have had the dream of flying. I have had it many times. The difference is that when I wake up I still think I can. Not completely enough to try it but its very confusing. I don’t completely disregard it as a nonsense dream, because I don’t know if it was a dream. I do this kind of thing all the time. I don’t know if I dreamt it or it happened. Sometimes it’s not too weird because the dream was plausible in the real world but often it isn’t. I’ll be convinced that aliens are sending me messages for weeks. Then some how I will sort it out and realize that is was all a dream. Sometimes I will be sure that something that actually happened was just a dream. I can never tell. I count on trusted friend for perspective most of the time. Sometimes though I cannot except that it is not true no matter how much evidence is before me. I have felt like there is something I think of in dream state that I cannot think of at any other time. That it is of immanent importance and every night I remember it and it is again imminently important. All I can remember about this revelation is that it had to do with the fabric of existence.

Hi, I saw you from the Physics and Mathematics Guild. I like your posts because these have interesting and good reflections. I am also surprised with your courage to clearly state that you have Schizophrenia. Out of curiousity, how were you diagnosed with Schizophrenia?
(To be quite honest, I somehow don't like or try to avoid personal talks with psychologists/psychiatrists because it is somwhat strange experience. Schizophrenia was also the disorder of John Forbes Nash, Nobel prize winner in economics.)
I hope you get to work things out. I think you are actually a smart person. Just try to get a hold of yourself and your life.

Right, that's why I chose pure math rather than applied math because I don't care about the money.

Just sharing a quote from my favorite artist, who is also said to have suffered from schizophrenia:
"I put my heart and soul into my work, and lost my mind in the process." -Van Gogh

Actually, that's why I just don't like psychiatrists. Well, I guess labels are inevitable because it is human nature to categorize people.

In my case, my mom confessed to me of my schizophrenia after we had an argument and that was during my high school years when it was starting to become blatant. (I hate being tricked into going into the psychiatrist's office and doing those strange tests from the psychiatrist.) Childhood years was quite normal for me and the only thing that my family considers abnormal is my aloofness since they rarely see me interacting with people. Anyway, I live a "normal" life and no one except my family knows my situation. After high school, I technically lost much of its signs and simply preoccupy myself with academic work, ROTC and my school organization.

I hope you won't try to kill yourself again because there is a lot of fun things in life. Just enjoy discovering the world around you.

The thing is my schizophrenia was not obvious to begin with. It only started to become clear during my high school when my family are noticing my peculiarities. At this stage, I am already better. I function and live normally. I do my responsibilities and no even knows my history. Everybody treats me normally and respect me as a dependable person. Perhaps, I could say that I am one of those who can recover easily.

I actually find military training beneficial for my development. Together with two fellow math major friends in the ROTC, I have learned much about the value of unity. Whenever my muscles get sore from physical training and the thought of saying "Sir, I quit, sir" comes into my mind, I simply remember that I am standing not only for myself, but for the good of my unit and that helped me go on. (By the way, my favorite poem, which was taught to me by my commandant is Invictus by William Ernest Henley. It is really inspiring.) I have experienced a lot of improvements. During my high school, my parents tell me that I walk in a crouching manner as if I were to fall forward, but now I am keeping a proper posture. In each training day, I learn more and further develop my character. The primary concern of the officers is the fact that I am underweight for my tall height. They are able convince me to eat a full meal and I am now trying to gain weight by increasing my muscle mass. Considering that I am the slowest jogger amongst us, they are thinking of assigning me paper work instead of field work. I like ROTC because it is making me stronger both physically and mentally.

Anyway, I have no intentions of going further into the military after my graduation since my original plan is to teach in high school and become a lawyer. ROTC is simply a way for me to find self-improvement and an extra learning experience.