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 Posted: Mon Apr 30, 2007 7:22 am
Here is a whole bunch of jokes
Q: Why did the pregnant woman go to the Chinese restaurant?
A: She heard it had free delivery.
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Monty: I had a big argument with my wife last night.
Max: What about?
Monty: I said we hadn’t had a big argument for six months and she insisted it had been seven months.
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Mrs. Treemont was having a party, so she decided to bake a chocolate cake. She let Little Missy watch her. While it was baking, the telephone rang in the hall. It was an important call, so Mrs. Treemont asked Little Missy to check to see if the cake was done. “How do I do that?” asked the little girl.
“Simply stick a knife in it,” Mrs. Treemont instructed. “If it comes out clean, then the cake is done.”
Just as Mrs. Treemont put down the phone, Little Missy came out of the kitchen. “Did it come out clean?” asked Mrs. Treemont.
“It came out so clean,” said Little Missy, “that I stuck in all the other dirty knives, too!”
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Q: Why did the other vampires stop inviting Dracula to the restaurant?
A: Because he always ordered a stake.
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Repairman: Good morning, Mrs. Jones. You called to have me take care of something in your house that doesn’t work.
Mrs. Jones: Come right in. He’s sleeping on the couch.
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Did you hear the one about the clever politician who told everyone at the rally to stand up if they wanted to pledge $1,000 to his campaign?
Then he had his orchestra play the “Star-Spangled Banner.”
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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a bar and order large mugs of beer. Upon being served, each finds a fly in his drink.
Repulsed, the Englishman sends back his beer.
The Scotsman gently flicks the fly out of his mug and begins drinking.
The Irishman carefully lifts the fly up by its wings, holds it over his mug, and screams, “Spit it out! Spit it out!”
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Max: How did you get that black eye?
Monty: My wife wanted a new evening gown, so we went to a fancy store and had a couple of models try on two dresses.
Max: So how did you get that black eye?
Monty: My wife asked me which one I liked better.
Max: So how did you get that black eye?
Monty: I said, “The brunette.”
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Moe: I hear they’re doing a production of The Lazy Man at the theater downtown and they invited every lazy actor in town to audition for the lead role.
Joe: That’s right. And they gave Lazy Louis the part.
Moe: Was he the first in line?
Joe: No, he was the only actor who was too lazy to show up.
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Springfield’s mayor retired, so the townsfolk went to the high school auditorium to be introduced to the men and women who planned to run in the upcoming open election. It was summer and the air conditioner wasn’t working, so the uncomfortable citizens paid little attention to the politicians as they spoke, and consequently there was little applause. Suddenly the air conditioning came on and there was a blast of cold air throughout the auditorium. Everyone felt so much better. Then a man in overalls walked onto the stage and announced he was going to run for mayor, too. He received a rousing standing ovation, and it was obvious that he would win in a landslide. “Who’s that?” whispered one disappointed candidate to another. The other sighed, “The electrician.”
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Herb: Do you think Junior got most of his brains from me?
Blanche: Probably. I still have all of mine.
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What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad!
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Maurice wanted to buy an Easter pet. So he went to the pet store and looked at a baby duck and a baby chick. They were both very cute, so it was hard to decide which to purchase. Finally, he decided to buy the baby chick because it was a little cheeper.
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Blanche: I’m so angry!
Mrs. Treemont: What happened?
Blanche: Little Billy was playing in the mud with his best friend, so I took him inside and lectured him for an hour and gave him a two-hour bath.
Mrs. Treemont: And then Little Billy was clean?
Blanche: Not at all. I had the wrong kid.
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Posted: Sun May 20, 2007 6:52 pm
NordicFairy A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were exploring the jungle and were captured by a fierce tribe. As they sit in a hut, awaiting their fate, the chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere.
There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???"
The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, a*****e!
Just had to share....I'm so bad! Mwahahahaha!
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Posted: Wed Oct 10, 2007 7:22 pm
Three teenaged friends, Lucy, Maria, and Amy, die in a car accident and go to heaven. Once in heaven, they are greeted at the gate. Upon peeking inside, Lucy notices that there are dead ducks EVERYWHERE. The angel says, "Oh, I forgot to warn you! If you step on a duck, something very, very terrible will happen to you. " The girls nod solemnly and walk into heaven. They all giggled and said to each other, "yeah right!" Maria, the most adventurous, tries it out. She runs and jumps on a duck. When she turns around, smiling, her friends gasped. A man in a dark hood walked slowly up to Maria and handcuffed her the the ugliest guy any of them had ever seen. Lucy and Amy continued on, ever wary of the dangerous duck corpses. A week passed, and Lucy and Amy were getting used to the routine of heaven. Maybe even a little TOO used to it, because Lucy, when laughing uncontrollably, stumbled and stepped on a duck. The same man in a dark hood walked up to her and handcuffed her to another guy, even uglier than the last. Now Amy was particularly scared. Lucy and Maria were away trying to get their handcuffs off, so Amy was all alone. While sitting on a bench, the same man in a dark hood walked up to her. She jumped up and screamed, "I DIDN'T STEP ON A DUCK! I SWEAR!" The man nodded and handcuffed her to the hottest guy she had ever seen. She smiled up into his gorgeous eyes and asked, "Now, what did I do to deserve YOU?" While batting her eyelashes. He shrugged and said, "I dunno about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
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