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 Posted: Thu May 31, 2007 8:33 am
Denis is SO. ********. Adorable. gonk
He came outside while I was on my break and sat next to me. We talked, but I was so tongue-tied. I had no idea what to say. He's so sweet, so smart, so funny and so utterly gorgeous. I'm terrified that I'll cross a line if I do something like hug him, ask him if he's still seeing someone, tell him he's cute...I want to say a million things but I can't. emo
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Posted: Sat Jun 02, 2007 8:19 pm
I've had some old--but not expired--5-HTP, and I decided to start taking it with the expired Cymbalta in an effort to keep my mood up in this interim period. No signs of too much serotonin, and with the Ativan I think I'm doing well. Occasionally get stressed out, though...
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Posted: Wed Jun 06, 2007 8:48 pm
I'm very worried about myself.
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Posted: Sat Jun 16, 2007 12:15 pm
Finally saw shrink, who is looking quite well after his long stint in the hospital.
Started 50 mg Zoloft on Wednesday, I believe. Was supposed to keep taking Cymbalta for a week, then be off a week, then start Zoloft, but I can't wait. I'm fine, no side effects, though I've caught an upper respiratory infection again, and am currently blowing/coughing that out. "Better out than in..."
Had fun at the art festival, got a very nice and affordable dad's day prezzie, plus a few things for myself.
Had a very, very bad day at work yesterday, but will try to hang in there. Next time I see Denis I'm asking him right away "can I call you?" I've waited too long.
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Posted: Mon Jun 18, 2007 10:59 am
eek
I saw Denis at the supermarket on Saturday. He was buying flowers for a friend's birthday. And I asked him for his fone #. And he gave it to me...telling me, again, that he never has any free time.
My mom said my face totally lit up when I saw him. sweatdrop
NOW WHAT DO I DO?!?! gonk
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Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2007 9:23 pm
I think my Zoloft is giving me insomnia. I'm yawning, yet I can't for the life of me fall asleep lately.
I want to glomp Denis so bad. 4laugh
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Posted: Thu Jun 28, 2007 8:03 am
Cor. I had the BEST day yesterday. Sort of. Before I went to work, that is.
I finally found a doctor, and have an appointment with her in two weeks.
I made an appointment with my shrink as well.
I wrote a letter to BirdTalk (and got a reply saying it was too inflammatory) gonk
I cleaned my room a bit.
I worked out.
I actually had time to do things, and was not in a rush to get to work on time.
Amazing.
I realise what's been missing from my life.
Caffeine! whee
I have the day off, and it's pretty cool out, so I'll be doing lots of cleaning. 3nodding
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Posted: Sat Jun 30, 2007 10:12 am
Things I've been saying lately:
I hate my life.
I hate my job.
I started crying talking to my mom about the junk food she keeps buying compulsively and said I hate my body.
I could never be bulimic...yech...too disgusting...plus I hate to waste food...
But I just want to lose this fat...
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Posted: Fri Jul 13, 2007 9:23 pm
I'm druuuunk....and I wanna get drunkerrrrrr...cause I don't know my limiiiiiiiits...
I talked to Denis today. Quite a bit.
The first time, I walked away and cried, and I said to myself, why would I want a guy who makes me cry?
And then I called him later, and talked to him...
And he said maybe he'll go get a drink with me.
I've found an awesome alternative to cutting and other self-harm: smoking and drinking! Socially acceptable, but satisfies the need to hurt one's self! YAY.
I cannot ******** pin down that ******** to say whether he's just really busy or he doesn't actually want to hang out with me.
I want to be drunk with him. So I can get over my stuttering and just say whatever comes to mind, like "god, you're ******** hot." and "I think of you when I masturbate." and other stuff that would make him run away screaming.
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Posted: Wed Jul 18, 2007 8:52 am
I put an "In Memoriam" ad in the paper for Zin-chan's birthday tomorrow.
It was horrible--I had to place it over the phone and the woman was just so rude and uncaring--didn't she stop to think about how I might be feeling, if I'm ordering something sentimental for someone who died??
I had my mom stay with me, because I knew in advance I wouldn't be able to talk and I'd have to hand the phone to her and have her do it. I was right. I just choked up and handed the phone to my mom and had her talk to the woman, spell out Zin-chan's name and everything.
I had to write down what I wanted the notice to say.
"Love never dies."
And just my name. ******** $27, and for what? Who's going to read it and care? Maybe 5 people in the entire city?
He would have been 27 tomorrow. This is the 3rd most difficult day of the year for me, the 2nd being Valentine's Day and the worst being the day he died.
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Posted: Fri Jul 27, 2007 8:26 pm
I finally got Denis to give me a straight answer.
Yes, he claims to like me as a friend.
However, because I told him I liked him as more than a friend, he thinks we should not see each other outside of work.
I sat in a far corner of the library and cried.
And cried.
And cried.
I kept nearly-crying for the rest of my shift.
Then I got home.
And I drank.
And drank.
And took a variety of drugs.
And it didn't hurt so much.
I can't believe he doesn't even want to be friends.
He was really tired and cranky when I talked to him, though.
I hope he regrets the things he's said.
I don't know how to feel.
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Posted: Wed Aug 01, 2007 11:27 am
Gah. I worked overnight, and lo and behold, ran into Denis. I wasn't sure it was him at first, and I think that's the only reason I said anything. I've been mulling over how to react the next time I saw him...ignore him, or what....hrm...guess that's no longer a question...
He was rather brief with me, and I didn't see him again.
I just want him to apologize. I don't think he's going to do that.
I want him to feel bad about hurting my feelings....back up his claim that he doesn't hate me.
God, what a horrible end to this job...the only coworker I ever really liked doesn't want to even be friends.
I think this hurts more because for a long time, this was my situation with Zin-chan. His girlfriend didn't want him even emailing me, so he stopped talking to me and didn't even give me a reason why.
Stupid monoamory. Didn't we learn in kindergarten to share and share alike? mad
I'll never understand this need of theirs to possess another person.
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Posted: Sun Aug 05, 2007 6:06 pm
Finally finished Deathly Hallows. whee
Meh, I give it 4 out of 5 stars. stare You know what you did, Joanne.
This time off of work--and knowing that I only have to work one more day--is doing wonders for my mental health.
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Posted: Fri Aug 17, 2007 6:46 pm
O frabjous day, I'm unemployed!! whee
I think my mood has lifted a LOT since my last day of work. I've been cleaning up around the house, I wash dishes instead of letting them sit in the sink, I've started riding my bike and it's a bit easier to watch what I eat. (I can eat smaller meals more frequently now)
I can't wait for orientation, though I'm terrified about having to make the best first impression possible...and my friend John's coming to visit on Monday, which is really cool.
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Posted: Mon Aug 20, 2007 10:08 pm
scream
John can't come because all the flights are booked.
My hard drive with all my pics and music and writing is nearly fried.
This BLOWS. stressed
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