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 Posted: Fri Jan 19, 2007 7:03 am
Lee_Kenshuu weda562002 Three Construction workers, a mexican, a Afro-American and a blonde where all sitting down to eat lunch the mexican opens his lunch bucket and has a burrito with beans and rice he says if I have the same thing tomorrow I'm going to jump and kill myself. The Afro-American opens his lunch bucket and has fried chicken greens and a piece of watermelon and says if I have the samething in my lunch tomorrow I'm going to jump and kill myself. The blonde opens his lunch bucket and has a bologne sandwich and says if I have the samething tomorrow I'm going to jump and kill myself. The next day at lunch time the three men sat down to eat lunch the mexican opens his lunch and sees the same thing so he jumps to his death, the afro american opens his lunch and sees the same thing so he jumps to his death, the blonde opens his lunch and sees the same thing so he also jumps to his death. The wife of the mexican was crying and said he should of told me he wanted some thing different for lunch I would of packed it. The wife of the afro american says the same thing. Both looking astonished and the blondes wife as to why she's not crying, the blondes wife says he packs his own lunch. yes me too..
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Posted: Fri Jan 19, 2007 7:27 am
These aren't necessarily jokes, but they are so weird that you'll probably just start laughing after you read them anyway. That is until you start racking your brain trying to figure out how they work out how they do!
3 guys go for dinner, each buys a $10 steak. At the end of the meal, they collect $30 between the three of them to cover the cost of the meals and gives it to the waitress. She goes back to the cash register, where the overlooking manager says "Those dinners are discounted, you need to give them $5 back." So the waitress gets the five dollars, and returns to the table. Not knowing how to split $5 between the three of them, she gives 1 dollar to each of the three patrons, and kept two for herself.
Now if you do the math, together they paid $30, got $3 back meaning they only paid $27. The waitress kept $2. This totals $29. Where did the last dollar go?
So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.
With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you are going to take that day off!
Depending on how you ask the questions, you can force the answer you seek! Remember 43% of polls are wrong, the other 78% are made up! Don't jump to the answer, just scroll down. Take this test mentally, don't write down your answers, and don't shout them out.
1. Pick a number from 2 to 9. It can be 2 or it can be 9, or any number in between.
2. Take that number that you've chosen, and multiply it by 9.
3. That should give you a two digit number. Take those two digits and add them together.
4. Take the resulting number and subtract 5 from it.
5. Take that number and correspond it to the alphabet, numbering the letters. A =1, B=2, C=3, and so on...
6. Take your letter, and think of a country that begins with that letter.
7. Take the last letter in the name of that country, and think of an animal.
8. Now, take the last letter in the name of that animal, and think of a color.
9. But remember, that there are no orange kangaroos in Denmark.
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Posted: Fri Jan 19, 2007 7:49 am
MOTHER TAUGHT ME
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"
My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL -
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me LOGIC -
"Because I said so, that's why."
My Mother taught me more LOGIC -
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY -
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONIST -
"Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen THEN?"
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION -
"Just wait until we get home."
My Mother taught me about RECEIVING -
"You are going to get it when we get home!"
My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE -
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD -
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."
My Mother taught me ESP -
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
My mother taught me HUMOR -
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT -
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My Mother taught me about GENETICS -
"You're just like your father."
My Mother taught me about my ROOTS -
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE -
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."
And my all time favorite... JUSTICE -
"One day you'll have kids ... and I hope they turn out just like you!"
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Posted: Fri Jan 19, 2007 7:55 am
Presenting the top morons of the year...
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from own his bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked at the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!)
8. THE GRAND FINALE
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every manoeuvre, no matter how much power was applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.
He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE ... Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer
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Posted: Fri Jan 19, 2007 9:34 am
WOMEN'S VOCABULARY
Fine - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
Five Minutes - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
Nothing - This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine".
Go Ahead - (With Raised Eyebrows!) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".
Go Ahead - (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
- This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
- Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
That's Okay - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow".
Please Do - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".
Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "You're welcome".
Thanks A Lot - This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing".
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Posted: Fri Jan 19, 2007 9:36 am
We've all experienced deja vu in our lives, but did you know there are many variants of deja Vu that you may have throughout your life?
Deja boo: The feeling that I've been frightened like this before
Deja coup: The feeling my government has been overthrown like this before.
Deja clue: The feeling that colonel mustard has done it in the billiard room with the lead pipe before.
Deja do: The feeling my hairdresser has given me this cut before.
Deja eau: the feeling I've smelled this perfume before.
Deja fu: The feeling I've been kicked in the head like this before.
Deja who: The feeling I've known who was on first before.
Deja jew: The feeling I've wandered in the desert like this before.
Deja knew: The feeling that I remembered this information before (before the test, that was).
Deja loo: The feeling I've been to this bathroom before.
Deja moo: The feeling I've drank this milk before.
Deja mu: The feeling I've calculated the mean of this population before.
Deja new: The feeling I haven't experienced this before. (AKA, "Vuja De" - Nothing like this HAS EVER happened to me before.)
Deja ooh: The feeling I've exclaimed at these fireworks before.
Deja poo: The feeling I've stepped in this before.
Deja Q: The feeling I've encountered this entity before.
Deja rue: The feeling I've regretted this day before.
Deja stew: The feeling that this is made from the pot roast my mom served the week before.
Deja too: The feeling that I've experienced this before, also.
Deja two: The feeling that I've experienced this before, twice.
Deja woo: The feeling that heather has yelled at someone like this before.
Deja you: The feeling that YOU have experienced this before.
Deja zoo: The feeling that the monkey has done this in public before.
DUH-ja-vu: The feeling that the answer was so obvious, that you *surely* should have known it before. DUH!
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Posted: Fri Jan 19, 2007 9:53 am
JOB DESCRIPTIONS
1. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
2. An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
3. A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
4. An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
5. A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
6. A mathematician is like a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there.
7. A topologist is a someone who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and doughnut.
8. A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."
9. A psychologist is someone who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
10. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
11. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
12. A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
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Posted: Fri Jan 19, 2007 11:05 am
Lee_Kenshuu MOTHER TAUGHT MEMy mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"
My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL -
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me LOGIC -
"Because I said so, that's why."
My Mother taught me more LOGIC -
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY -
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONIST -
"Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen THEN?"
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION -
"Just wait until we get home."
My Mother taught me about RECEIVING -
"You are going to get it when we get home!"
My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE -
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD -
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."
My Mother taught me ESP -
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
My mother taught me HUMOR -
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT -
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My Mother taught me about GENETICS -
"You're just like your father."
My Mother taught me about my ROOTS -
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE -
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."
And my all time favorite... JUSTICE -
"One day you'll have kids ... and I hope they turn out just like you!" LMAO this is true
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Posted: Fri Jan 19, 2007 2:45 pm
Two Ladies Talking
Two ladies talking in heaven:
1st woman : Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman : Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?
1st woman : I Froze to Death.
2nd woman : How Horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit
shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally
died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman : I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected
that my husband was cheating, so I came home early
to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there
somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement.
Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became
so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd
both still be alive.
HA, HA, HA, HA
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Posted: Fri Jan 19, 2007 2:49 pm
A minister was completing a Temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had
all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he
said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song,
let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."
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Posted: Fri Jan 19, 2007 9:28 pm
Hitokiri_Tsering Lee_Kenshuu weda562002 Three Construction workers, a mexican, a Afro-American and a blonde where all sitting down to eat lunch the mexican opens his lunch bucket and has a burrito with beans and rice he says if I have the same thing tomorrow I'm going to jump and kill myself. The Afro-American opens his lunch bucket and has fried chicken greens and a piece of watermelon and says if I have the samething in my lunch tomorrow I'm going to jump and kill myself. The blonde opens his lunch bucket and has a bologne sandwich and says if I have the samething tomorrow I'm going to jump and kill myself. The next day at lunch time the three men sat down to eat lunch the mexican opens his lunch and sees the same thing so he jumps to his death, the afro american opens his lunch and sees the same thing so he jumps to his death, the blonde opens his lunch and sees the same thing so he also jumps to his death. The wife of the mexican was crying and said he should of told me he wanted some thing different for lunch I would of packed it. The wife of the afro american says the same thing. Both looking astonished and the blondes wife as to why she's not crying, the blondes wife says he packs his own lunch. yes me too..
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Posted: Fri Jan 19, 2007 9:33 pm
Ahh so this is where the jokes forum moved to..
You shoulda kept it in the chatterbox. confused When newcomers come in..it would be more noticeable.
But as long as I can still find it. xD
We need more blonde jokes!! Lemme think:
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something...
Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6 foot tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of us is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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Posted: Fri Jan 19, 2007 11:28 pm
Lol.
You made it a sticky. XD
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Posted: Fri Jan 19, 2007 11:42 pm
vi3tdorkness Lol. You made it a sticky. XD i moved it back in the main forum and forgot to change it back to normal thread.. lee made it a sticky in the sub-forum
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Posted: Fri Jan 19, 2007 11:44 pm
vi3tdorkness Lol. You made it a sticky. XD Lol! wahmbulance
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