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Sigh, I recently had a fight (little, pointless fight?) with Jason. And it was over something rediculous and stupid, but I was hurt for some reason. I really want to see him and say I'm sorry.

And you know what, I don't want him to say it's okay. i want him to simply pat me on the head and hold me.

But I think.. and I feel... like he doesn't want to hold me anymore. I feel like he doesn't want to touch me anymore. It's bringing back some really bad memories. And the thing is... it's not true. We discussed this Saturday night, when I felt that he was rejecting me. He said that sometimes he just doesn't want to be touched and he can't help it. He loves me, he says, and he wants to see me. I still feel horrible about last night though.

I feel like I'm letting him down. I don't know. I feel like I can't make him laugh too often. I feel like he acts like he is obligated to be around me, be near me, to say he loves me. It really hurts and it's because I love him, that I don't want him to feel like he has to be around me.

I've met his family. I've met his friends. I've felt really awkward when I was with his friends. I think I made a really bad impression. His family... I like his dad. His mum is okay, but when I was with him and his family, and they were all there with their stories and things, it was strange. I felt left out, but that might be because I usually do when there is family involved anywhere. He's accenting the fact that I'm on the edge of things, or something. He wants me to join in on things, but I don't think I can. I don't know why. I'm scared?

You know what's weird? I think I break my heart so he can't. Last time I surrendered to the love and accepted it, open armed and open hearted, shortly afterwards, I was really, really hurt. I'm scared that if I do that again, I'll have my heart ripped out again. I want to be with Jason. I love Jason. I'll love Jason as long as he wants me to. I really, really, really do love him. I can't help it. I think he loves me too. I hope he does. He often says he does at least.

He makes me laugh, so freakin' much. He makes me smile, so much. He makes me very, very, very happy. I really love being with him. I really love him. Make him stay, please. I don't want him to go. I'm still really scared. It makes me cry, how much I want to love him, but my fear of being hurt is getting in the way.

But damnit, I'm going to try to be happy when I see him next.

I'm still really hurt. He talks with his ex still. He says he hates her. She (or so I've heard) says she hates him too.

But still. They hang out together, but only because they have the same friends. They hate seeing each other, apparently.

Ugh. I feel bad. I hate her. She SHOULD NOT be texting him. She SHOULD NOT be getting rides from him.

I ******** hate her. The ******** ********, scaring me and making me feel ******** threatened.

-sob-

The face that I have the next 8 years of my life planned out scares the living be-jebus out of me.

I really don't know why either. You'd think that ifnorance (and I meant ifnorance) would be more terrifying than planned. But, four of those years will be at college and the next four will be with the Navy. I really would like to have some control over the next 8 years, but I won't.

The Navy owns me. They have me.
But for only 12 years.
(After 4 active duty years, I can do four Reserve, but this is only if I go with a major.)

And speaking of my major of choice, I'm not entirely sure what I want to do. I want to learn languages. I love languages. I don't think I have a natural ability for them, but just the learning process is amazing.

I might learn Russian. I might learn Chinese. I definitely want to learn Arabic, but that's only offered as a minor, but that's okay. I should probably have a Poli. Sci. major or something else aside from simply language. As my grandmother said, "The only thing you can do with only a language degree is teach. It really won't get you far."

Which, isn't too nice to say, I suppose.

Sigh, I'm going to be horribly heartbroken in the next four years, I'm sure. But if I come to terms with that now, maybe I can live out the remainder of my relationship in peace and happiness. Maybe the relationship will work. Maybe Jason will be willing to spend four years an hour away from me. Maybe he'll be willing to spend four years states away from me.

Maybe I'll spend 8 years pining for him, because either way, I'll miss him terribly. Hell, he's 20 to 25 minutes away from me right now, and I miss him, but, at least I'm not so paranoid anymore. I'm beginning to trust him. Not like I had a reason not to, but I haven't been this happy before. Or at least not this happy in a relationship. That first one wasn't so gooda.

I think I'm starting to question college now, though. It isn't a good thing. Two of my grandparents got a PhD. My father has two Masters. Every family member (except maybe one or two) has at least a Bachelor's. I think another one or two has a Masters. It's rather daunting. At least I'm not the first grandchild/neice to go off to college. I still have alot expected from me though. I don't like it. Not at all. I'm too much of a slacker.

I love being a slacker though. I put a little bit more effort into this year than I have before, but not as much as I really could. It's going to come bite me in the a** this Tuesday though. I should read a book that I have a huge test for this Tuesday. I've read 4 out of many, many chapters. Well, maybe not many, but more than I want to do in one night. Sigh, I'm such a bum.

Actually, I found it rather humorous that I might be a horrendous slacker, but I still did much better than those that are higher than me in class rank on tests like the ACT. I laugh at them so. Bwahaha! Like, I'm 51 in my class (or somewhere around there. Maybe 48th-ish) and I outscored someone who is somewhere around 12 - 15 in my class, by one point, yes, but it still makes me giggle. If only I actually studied for the thing...

I think I'm just really lucky though. Amazingly lucky. Or just innately really good at taking tests. No, I think I'm just lucky. I remember important stuff or just have really good gut instincts. I reasoned out quite a few things as well. Maybe that's what saved me.

I recently had a really awesome thing happen to me. A friend of mine who last year ignored my existence for a reason that is too long to discuss had a very good conversation with me yesterday. It was nice to have a heart-to-heart with her again. I don't think we'll ever be uber close again, but it's nice to at least be able to trust her.

I can't tell if I've been happy, but I'm beginning to relax and stress.

I really just want to enjoy life for one day. Just one, stinking day I want to wake up with no worries for that day or no worries place on me. It would be nice. Damn you school. Damn you.