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 Posted: Thu May 12, 2005 8:31 pm
Rorek heteria Rorek Do any of you ever tear out body hair? Like on your arms or legs, or anywhere other than your head? I don't mean tweezing, or waxing, or shaving. I mean literally tearing it out. I ask because when I do (no it doesn't hurt) I get shocked reactions if anyone sees me doing it. the only other real body hair i have is eyebrows... and arms. arms are too too short to pull, and so are eyebrows... but i do pull out my hair alot. almost everyday. i rip it, not out of the roots, just apart, you know? i have no self control... yeah, i thought that might be what you meant... either that or arm hair.
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Posted: Fri May 13, 2005 8:56 pm
i almost got into a fight today. i stole a girl's bike a few weeks ago... she figured out it was me, and called me on my s**t... my boyfriend tried to take the blame, but i wouldn't let him. he takes the blame for everything... generally for things like my sorrows, or things like "desiree *that's me* has hit me again, must be my fault" or "desiree has been a hypocrite again, it must be my fault..." he cares to a point of self-injury. i wasn't gonna let him take the blame this time. i couldn't. so i was like, "look, i took your bike..." she decided to act all tough *this chick was like 30 or something, and i'm like 17. she was bull dyke... i'm about 5'4", 130... pretty muscular, in a german way *mostly in the legs*... (funny side note; my boyfriend was dressed like a girl, with leather pants and jacket and short belly shirt... and me with giant combat boots and baggy guy shorts and baggy system of a down shirt, like a boy, backwards baseball cap and all)... but you know, i have pretty, girly features. i mean, i have a girl's face, and i tend to look younger than my age because of the way my eyes are big, and my skin is smooth...* so, the point is she probably had a serious attitude problem because i look pretty delicate and my boyfriend looked pretty much femme, so she thought we were serious push overs. so anyways, all that extra unneccesary information said, she's starting s**t with him *nice how even the females of society are sexist, and automatically assume that guys are the leader of every operation*, so i told her it was me. she stopped being nice, and started to be a serious b***h. yelling and cussing, ghetto white trash style. so i get up, and i'm like look, take your bike, it's outlived its usefulness anyways... and this pissed her off really bad. so she's all you wanna start s**t blah blah blah... i said, calmly "no, take your bike and go away. i don't care. it's yours anyways, so it's not like i'm upset" she's all "why the ******** do you have that stupid smirk on your face." now, i never really got to explain that *not that i had an explanation* because she took off on her bike, pissin' and cussin' the whole way. that was odd. i woulda' thought she'd stomp me... i think she coulda. i mean, a few hits is all i'd have gotten, i think, 4 or 5 good ones and the rest would be null.... she was pretty buff. i dunno...
the point is that i have been so depressed lately that i don't feel adrenaline. i don't feel that fear thing. if you've ever been in a fight, you know what i mean. can't feel pain, makes you shake, makes you stutter, makes you sweat? yeah, and makes you black out and forget how many times you sock someone after you've already won a fight *which can be creepy, and a little scary when you are saying you only punched them two or three times, and everyone else says you punched them like seven times AFTER they were out*... i dunno. i felt calm during the confrontation. i felt calm after. i took out my desert rose, looked at it... and i asked james, "why didn't that freak me out?" i have panic attacks hella easy, you know? "is it the depression?" he says; "i know it was... i just know it. dez, that isn't good. i mean, it was good now, but it's not cool that you're like this. you need to let it out..."
i've been trying to avoid just that. i want to get this year over without breaking down. i hope to avoid that breakdown by pushing it all back into my denial files, and waiting a month... replacing it with empty depression. not sad, just empty. it's a healthy thing. it's a safe shell. i don't understand why everyone says it's not healthy. it's self preservation. it's about control... just like cutting and just like people with bulemia... people need control...
i don't know the point of this post... i just felt that it was something i really wanted to say. i mean, depression is a part of bi-polarness, right?
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Posted: Sat May 21, 2005 11:20 am
I haven't wanted to move lately. I haven't wanted to get out of bed. I haven't wanted to go to school.
All I've wanted to do is sleep. And sleep. And sleep.
The urges for self-injury have been high the past couple of days. I'm starting to get sick of them; there's a part of me that wants to cut. It's been 3 months since I last cut, which is pretty good, I guess. I promised my girlfriend that I wasn't going to cut again, and I feel like I have to keep that promise.
But anyways, I just don't want to do anything. Getting up has been hard, and during the day I tend to totally space out and leave my body. Eating has been difficult. In short, I really don't want to do anything anymore.
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Posted: Sun May 22, 2005 11:30 am
I went 5 months without cutting.
Remind me, why the hell did I start again?
..*selfhate*
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Posted: Sun May 22, 2005 2:11 pm
Since thursday I've been on a real high. I was the lead character in this pantomime and being on stage just filled me with adrenaline and for the whole thing I was manic to the max but still managed to make a good show and stick to the script unless we felt like adlibbing. Today it's all over, Eddy saw me last night (the best night) and thought it was great, I loved him being over he fills me with excitement just sitting next to him.
He's gone, the stage has gone, the cheerings gone, my moods gone. I started getting really depressed today and so did my dad (he was int he panto too.) which makes it doubly sucky.
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Posted: Sun May 22, 2005 8:22 pm
X[phucket]X I went 5 months without cutting. Remind me, why the hell did I start again? ..*selfhate* you answered your own question... sad
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Posted: Mon May 23, 2005 11:35 am
X[phucket]X I went 5 months without cutting. Remind me, why the hell did I start again? ..*selfhate*
I'm here to talk if you need someone to listen.
I've been feeling like s**t lately. I haven't been able to get out of bed. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to deal with it. >.< I'm sick of everything and trying to deal with it.
I called my therapist last night and told him how I was feeling; he was worried about me and my safety. *sighs* He told me to call him back on Tuesday and let him know how I was doing. I promised him I'd stay safe; it was one of the hardest things in my life to do...
Sometimes I really, really hate living...
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Posted: Mon May 23, 2005 12:42 pm
Amber Ocean X[phucket]X I went 5 months without cutting. Remind me, why the hell did I start again? ..*selfhate* Yeah...I guess you can't ever really stop unless you really, really want to. Because if you don't 100% want to stop, then at some point you'll relapse.
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Posted: Mon May 23, 2005 12:49 pm
X[phucket]X Amber Ocean X[phucket]X I went 5 months without cutting. Remind me, why the hell did I start again? ..*selfhate* Yeah...I guess you can't ever really stop unless you really, really want to. Because if you don't 100% want to stop, then at some point you'll relapse.
I've already snapped once, and it's going to happen again. I hope it doesn't, but I have so many other forms of self harm that I do (if you call purging or not eating a form of self harm)...I'm going to ******** up eventually. Just watch...
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Posted: Mon May 23, 2005 7:54 pm
Amber Ocean X[phucket]X Amber Ocean X[phucket]X I went 5 months without cutting. Remind me, why the hell did I start again? ..*selfhate* Yeah...I guess you can't ever really stop unless you really, really want to. Because if you don't 100% want to stop, then at some point you'll relapse.
I've already snapped once, and it's going to happen again. I hope it doesn't, but I have so many other forms of self harm that I do (if you call purging or not eating a form of self harm)...I'm going to ******** up eventually. Just watch... Yeah, I figure, if I don't stop for myself, I'll start again at some point. 'Cause if I stop for someone, and something happens to them or to my respect for them, then I'll start again. So I'm working on finding it in myself to stop for myself.
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Posted: Mon May 23, 2005 10:04 pm
X[phucket]X Amber Ocean X[phucket]X Amber Ocean X[phucket]X I went 5 months without cutting. Remind me, why the hell did I start again? ..*selfhate* Yeah...I guess you can't ever really stop unless you really, really want to. Because if you don't 100% want to stop, then at some point you'll relapse.
I've already snapped once, and it's going to happen again. I hope it doesn't, but I have so many other forms of self harm that I do (if you call purging or not eating a form of self harm)...I'm going to ******** up eventually. Just watch... Yeah, I figure, if I don't stop for myself, I'll start again at some point. 'Cause if I stop for someone, and something happens to them or to my respect for them, then I'll start again. So I'm working on finding it in myself to stop for myself.
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Posted: Sun May 29, 2005 12:34 pm
Amber Ocean X[phucket]X Amber Ocean X[phucket]X Amber Ocean X[phucket]X I went 5 months without cutting. Remind me, why the hell did I start again? ..*selfhate* Yeah...I guess you can't ever really stop unless you really, really want to. Because if you don't 100% want to stop, then at some point you'll relapse.
I've already snapped once, and it's going to happen again. I hope it doesn't, but I have so many other forms of self harm that I do (if you call purging or not eating a form of self harm)...I'm going to ******** up eventually. Just watch... Yeah, I figure, if I don't stop for myself, I'll start again at some point. 'Cause if I stop for someone, and something happens to them or to my respect for them, then I'll start again. So I'm working on finding it in myself to stop for myself. Cutting is similar to drug addiction: You feel you need to, but you know it isnt healthy. You tell yourself you won't, and then you do- Relapse. But you've both done good. biggrin
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Hypomanic Poet Vice Captain
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Posted: Thu Jun 09, 2005 2:31 pm
My psychatirst is out of office for the week, and I need a AD along with everything else that I'm taking ot make me feel semi-ok. I'm still struggling with depression...just...ugh. *sigh*
Patience is a virture...one that I don't have. Damn.
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Posted: Wed Jun 15, 2005 12:13 pm
I have depression with out the mania. When i feel really low i cry all the time and loose all intrest in everything. Even the man i love some times.
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Posted: Sat Jun 25, 2005 1:38 am
You know what sucks? My mother-in-law. I was crazy happy and manic. She calles and I plumet into this dark deep pit of anger and pain. I hate that b***h.
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