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 Posted: Fri Sep 07, 2007 4:50 am
I just took the BDI.
My score was EIGHT.
eek
Thought I'd try it since last night, I had a sort of near-panic attack. My mom was really upset over trying to use this one program, and when she gets upset, and I can't make it better, I feel really bad and get upset myself. I feel like she's upset with me. I know this probably isn't true, but I can't get away from it.
I started breathing laboriously, I couldn't think straight, and ordinarily, these beginning signs of a panic attack would have made me panic more.
I almost *wanted* to panic for some reason.
But it was as if I couldn't.
I cried a bit, and finally talked to my mom about my feelings and hugged her.
But this just really stands out. It was like there was a mental block (sort of like a brain fart, I guess, xp ) that was keeping me from panicking any more.
Thank you, Zoloft! heart heart heart
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Posted: Sun Sep 16, 2007 7:25 pm
So....I took my first test, in Biochemistry, and got a C.
It's been a very, very long time since I got a C in anything.
I deserved it, though, for not studying.
I can't study constantly, but damned if I don't have to come close, even with subjects that seem fairly easy to understand. The test questions just snuck up on me, I suppose.
sad
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Posted: Sat Oct 06, 2007 9:35 pm
*sigh*
This is difficult....all this s**t piling up at once...
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Posted: Wed Nov 14, 2007 2:49 pm
So: Saturday and Sunday, apart from the party on Saturday, I was a mess. All I wanted to do was sleep and cry, but I couldn't sleep, and not just because I was crying.
Then Tuesday I get my period and after an agonizing time waiting for the drugs to kick in, I'm still miserable.
Then all the drugs I took for the pain, etc. start working and I realise I feel GREAT! Not in a drugged-out way, but I don't feel depressed at all! I'm HAPPY! I want to do all kinds of things, like study and clean and make jewelry and play Scrabble with my mom...
Why, WHY can't a legitimate antidepressant do that?!
But I think just feeling that way inspired me. I AM capable of feeling happiness. It can really, truly happen!
Unfortunately, I can't take that combination of drugs every day, ohhh no...
gonk
But I do feel positive. 3nodding Like I do have that energy, somewhere...
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Posted: Sat Dec 08, 2007 7:47 pm
Why can't I just freaking STUDY?!
...I suppose nobody can study for an entire day straight...but I kind of need to...why can't they just post my ******** grades!??!? gonk
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Posted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 6:44 pm
3.188. Worst. GPA. EVER.
Shrink: "It's certainly not bad, you know that..."
Me: "I know..."
Shrink: "...but you're just used to much better."
Me: *sigh*
Why am I sitting at the computer when I should be sewing?
Why do I make things difficult for myself?
When will I look in the mirror, say "I deserve to be happy," and believe it?
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Posted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 3:32 pm
My mom asked me if I thought I had a drinking problem.
I asked if she thought I had one.
I'm pretty sure I do.
According to my mom, I fell and hit my head on a door frame. I have no recollection of this whatsoever, my head just hurts.
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Posted: Tue Jan 22, 2008 1:30 pm
I am intelligent.
I can succeed in school and I will.
I deserve to succeed.
....This is not easy. sad
I drove home from school today and I wanted to die. I felt like I couldn't kill myself, but I couldn't drop out of school or anything and so I was stuck, trapped.
It's not like that, Zin, it really isn't. I'm going to be fine.
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Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 5:31 pm
Up and down, up and down...no, actually, 99% down.
I want a tricyclic or an MAOI but they scare me.
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Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 6:12 pm
So I said to my shrink, "I can't imagine feeling any worse."
And I decided no more Zoloft. Why shell out money for a drug that does nothing?
I'm scared, though.
But it was a huge ego boost when my shrink told me to research other drugs myself and get back to him with my suggestion. 4laugh
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Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 8:05 am
So my shrink's retiring. Best one I've ever had, and possibly some of the best words of advice I've really gotten:
"The truth will set you free."
The truth is, I am an intelligent, beautiful, witty, success. And I have every right to be happy.
If only I would truly believe this.
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Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 10:29 am
I'm not sure if the Wellbutrin's doing any good. I feel incredibly emotional, like the slightest sad thing, even a sappy movie or reading about something upsetting in the newspaper, makes me cry. I imagine it's the lack of serotonin. Maybe if I combined it with an SSRI?
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Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 10:42 am
Reading over this journal, I wonder if anything's ever worked for me. I think working at the hospital was the 2nd worst thing to ever happen to my mental health.
School is bad, but at least I don't spend 8 hours a day with someone I hate.
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Posted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 6:50 pm
I couldn't stand it anymore. I took 50 mg Zoloft this morning, in addition to the 100, then another 100 mg Wellbutrin I'll take tonight.
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Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 9:34 am
I feel more stable already... biggrin Things aren't pissing me off as easily.
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