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 Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 5:28 pm
So my shrink and I decided I'll go back to just the Zoloft, and I'm going to 100 mg wellbutrin in the morning, 50 at night starting tonight, then in a week 50 in the morning and at night.
...there's a house on fire somewhere in my neighborhood, but I can't figure out where... eek
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Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 8:14 am
I feel okay. I went camping over the weekend, with a few friends who were either getting into silly fights which are terribly awkward for me, or being all kissy-face which is just as awkward. I brought my meds but misplaced them in my car and thought I left them at home. *sigh* It was only one day, though.
Except for the mosquitoes in my ears and the stifling heat, I had fun. Occasionally just sat around in the shade, chillin'. Which kind of puzzled some people, but it didn't matter to me.
I need help focusing on myself. Doing things for myself, worrying about myself instead of others.
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Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 10:11 am
I really lost it last night. I was proud of myself for exercising a lot (jogged 6 laps! A record!) but then at night I just got a sort of rage attack and ended up sleeping on the porch until it started raining.
It's really nice and cool out today...I want to go walking.
I won't be getting my financial aid until 10 days before classes start. Very bad. I need the money to pay for my car. sad
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Posted: Sat Oct 18, 2008 4:10 pm
Hrm...been a while since I updated. But I've been so busy with school...and the worst part, on top of all the other stress, I seem to have a crush on my professor. My married professor.
I try to tell myself it'll never happen, yes, it's okay to like him and maybe after you graduate you might even become friends, but he'll never, ever, ever fall in love with you.
But I can't help fantasizing. Thinking maybe, just maybe, he's not happy and wants someone different. It would be so nice to have someone I'm attracted to be there to comfort me, to tell me I'm not stupid and not ugly, to hold me when I cry.
I started going to a grief support group, specifically for sudden, traumatic deaths. It's okay, but when I think about things like this...like how much easier it would be if I had someone to love me like that...it's obvious I have so many issues...just why, why him, why then?
I'm so lonely. It's so hard to concentrate. I don't know how to cope.
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Posted: Fri Nov 14, 2008 1:15 pm
I talked to my cute professor about doing research with him. I hope he doesn't think I'm a ditz. I'm not experienced, but I really want to learn. I was trying to focus on stuff about him that I think is unattractive. But overall, he's a really nice guy and very easy to talk to. I really, really want to impress him.
And I think Zin-chan's death has been in the back of my mind recently. It's been 4 years now. I just want to be able to get though all my coursework without having all this extra crap to deal with.
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Posted: Sun Jan 25, 2009 2:44 pm
My weight has been REALLY bothering me, I gained a significant amount over the break and now I'm borderline obese. 175 lbs, wtf.
I'm hanging in here on 100 mg 'loft but I'm thinking maybe the 'zac was better.
I should study, I should work out, gah, I should do a lot of things...
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Posted: Sat Feb 28, 2009 9:41 am
I didn't realise, until she pointed it out, how few times I've seen my counselor this school year. I've missed appointments, I've put off making them, and it isn't because I don't want to talk to her, or because I don't want help or don't think it's helping. I don't know why I've been neglecting to see her.
We talked a lot about my making changes in my life, and I don't know why it's so difficult. For all I can tell, I want to change. I want to get in shape, I want to study, I want to keep up with housework and be friendly with people. But it just seems too hard. She suggested that for some people, it's hard to change because they aren't ready to, but I don't know why I wouldn't be ready. I don't like my life. I want it to be better. I see no reason not to change. Is there something holding me back subconsciously?
I don't get it. stressed
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Posted: Fri Mar 13, 2009 8:40 pm
I apparently need to grieve more, to reassure myself that it's okay to succeed, and Zin-chan's death doesn't mean my life has to be totally ruined. Saying "oh, I'm going to waste away because my soulmate is dead!" isn't romantic. It's stupid. It's not what he would have wanted. It's not good for me. I don't get points for having an opera-worthy life.
I'm trying to pick out the things I do to sabotage myself.
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Posted: Thu Aug 27, 2009 11:36 am
I should write here more often, just to keep track of how I feel.
I came home from orientation crap, which was handing out flyers to P1s and trying to be as friendly yet cool as possible.
My mom asked me if something was wrong. I just kind of stared blankly, I couldn't think of even a yes or a no. When I got to the door, it seemed like so much work to take out my keys. I had a couple of binders and my water bottle in my hand, and I had this urge to just drop them, because it was like too overwhelming to juggle them.
So I did. I just dropped them on the ground.
I very slowly got out my keys, opened the door, eventually got everything in, put my keys back into my purse...then found out the upstairs door was locked, too. I was so mad I punched the door. It was a little difficult to breathe. I felt like I was starting a panic attack. I dropped everything again and sank down onto the stairs, feeling like I wanted to just sit there.
But all my alcohol was inside.
So I unlocked the door, dropped everything in there, and now I'm drinking. Slight beer buzz coming on. I'm low on liquor, only like a shot of Jameson left and I could really use some right now. I do have plenty of gin and vodka though, and SoCo. I feel like whisky now though.
I wonder sometimes how easily I could cover up drinking during school. I've gone off during a break in classes to get some of those little 2 oz bottles, and it's easy enough to hide those in my car. I don't want anyone to smell it on my breath though. Supposedly vodka doesn't have as strong a smell...
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