Edit by Kudzu
Please come visit the Introduction Thread to post this!
First off, I'm a compulsive overeater. That was the first time I've ever said it.
I just want to talk to other people like me, or other people that are struggling with disorders, and get support - However, I don't want a guild that's full of 'thinspiration' or talking about eating only 250 calories a day.
Do you want me to explain about myself?
I suppose not.
But that's too bad.
My name in real life is Kira. I'm fourteen.
I'm a compulsive overeater. I like to give out excuses - I was ******** hungry, it was the GAD, the sugar makes you want more, etcetera. GAD? Generalized anxiety disorder. Usually, people with it get fixations, like I have one about my body. No matter what I do, my body image will probably always be ugly and fat.
I've had the anxiety disorder all of my life. Before sixth grade, when I started medication, it was pure Hell. Now I'm getting better. In preschool, I got fixated with a new thing every month, and along with it a complete set of phobias. I remember being afraid of maps - I felt so small when I looked at them. Around that time, I was also afraid of metal poles, to this day I don't know why, car washes, movie theaters, cheese, and melted foods.
In kindergarten through second grade, I had my little breakdowns. I'd start shivering from fear and cry for hours on end, once it was started simply by losing a favorite piece of rose quartz. I collected quartz rocks when I was little, another thing I'm still not sure why I did it. Then I'd come home from school, eat a whole bag of goldfish, and be happy.
That was kindergarten. First grade, I was happy, but my breakdowns took on their current form - physical symptoms, namely vomiting. If I had a bad day at school, the next day I'd wake up with a stomachache from Hell. In second grade, I'd be taking two or three doses of Pepto Bismol every morning, but to no avail. That stopped in third grade, which was a pretty good year, thanks to the most understanding teacher I could hope for. She did more for me than any shrink I've ever seen, which is quite a few. She moved up to teach fourth grade, and I was placed in her class, thank the Gods.
However, I was on my own with a new teacher and completely foreign class in fifth. The stomachaches came back, only worse, and with two new best buddies - Fear and the urge to run. I'd be waking up at four or five in the morning, running around our block for five or six miles, then coming home and puking my guts out, all before school starting at 8 in the morning. Needless to say, I already wanted to die by that point. My best friend deserted me, probably due to me becoming a completely different, nutso, and paranoid person - not the friend she'd always known.
Nobody knows about this, but I tried to kill myself 8 times in 5th grade. I was only 10, but I honestly wanted to die, and frankly, I wish I had managed to get myself into a coma or something. Nobody should have to go through what I did in fifth grade. I was in that state, a complete mental breakdown, when I was finally put on medication. Just 15 mg's of Zoloft got me back to sanity, and I'm now pretty happy with my 100 mg's (in liquid form, about half a shot glass).
I've been a compulsive overeater most of my life, though when I was 8 I went through a little thing where I wouldn't eat. When food was forced on me, I kept it in the back of my mouth and spat it out later, because I was too afraid to make myself throw up. I read all of these books about growing up and being a teenager, and they talked about eating disorders, and I thought I was just taking the easy version.
My mom made me start eating again, and after a while I realized what a stupid thing I'd been doing. Being only 9 at the time, I thought I should /start/ eating. And eat I did. I'd go home and have two or three slices of cake, some crackers, then clear my plate at dinner. By the time I turned 13 I was eating three servings of everything at dinner, half a bag of crackers as a snack, and could eat four hash browns, cereal, and bacon for breakfast.
At the same time, I was rather pudgy. Not fat, I was only 130 pounds and 5 feet tall, but I was pudgy and I knew it. I spent hours every day agonizing about how I could lose weight fast, and looking in the mirror at the worst angle on purpose, just to look at my rolls of fat, as some form of inspiration for weight loss. What the Hell I was thinking at the time is beyond me. I got freaked out, because all of my life I'd been skinny, so I ate. And ate.
After a while I realized, yes, this was slow, that my eating was what was causing the problem. I went on a very easy diet at the start of eighth grade, and got down to 125 pounds. I was still pudgy, though, and so I got depressed and overate again. This happened over and over again until this past February, when I decided to do the healthy thing and join a gym. I'm now down to 114, but I haven't been to the gym in a while and most of my weight is flab. I'm still working on getting thinner, and right now I'm kind of depressed. I keep on binging and I want to stop, but I don't have any form of support. That's what I came to this group for.
I just want to talk to other people like me, or other people that are struggling with disorders, and get support - However, I don't want a guild that's full of 'thinspiration' or talking about eating only 250 calories a day.
Do you want me to explain about myself?
I suppose not.
But that's too bad.
My name in real life is Kira. I'm fourteen.
I'm a compulsive overeater. I like to give out excuses - I was ******** hungry, it was the GAD, the sugar makes you want more, etcetera. GAD? Generalized anxiety disorder. Usually, people with it get fixations, like I have one about my body. No matter what I do, my body image will probably always be ugly and fat.
I've had the anxiety disorder all of my life. Before sixth grade, when I started medication, it was pure Hell. Now I'm getting better. In preschool, I got fixated with a new thing every month, and along with it a complete set of phobias. I remember being afraid of maps - I felt so small when I looked at them. Around that time, I was also afraid of metal poles, to this day I don't know why, car washes, movie theaters, cheese, and melted foods.
In kindergarten through second grade, I had my little breakdowns. I'd start shivering from fear and cry for hours on end, once it was started simply by losing a favorite piece of rose quartz. I collected quartz rocks when I was little, another thing I'm still not sure why I did it. Then I'd come home from school, eat a whole bag of goldfish, and be happy.
That was kindergarten. First grade, I was happy, but my breakdowns took on their current form - physical symptoms, namely vomiting. If I had a bad day at school, the next day I'd wake up with a stomachache from Hell. In second grade, I'd be taking two or three doses of Pepto Bismol every morning, but to no avail. That stopped in third grade, which was a pretty good year, thanks to the most understanding teacher I could hope for. She did more for me than any shrink I've ever seen, which is quite a few. She moved up to teach fourth grade, and I was placed in her class, thank the Gods.
However, I was on my own with a new teacher and completely foreign class in fifth. The stomachaches came back, only worse, and with two new best buddies - Fear and the urge to run. I'd be waking up at four or five in the morning, running around our block for five or six miles, then coming home and puking my guts out, all before school starting at 8 in the morning. Needless to say, I already wanted to die by that point. My best friend deserted me, probably due to me becoming a completely different, nutso, and paranoid person - not the friend she'd always known.
Nobody knows about this, but I tried to kill myself 8 times in 5th grade. I was only 10, but I honestly wanted to die, and frankly, I wish I had managed to get myself into a coma or something. Nobody should have to go through what I did in fifth grade. I was in that state, a complete mental breakdown, when I was finally put on medication. Just 15 mg's of Zoloft got me back to sanity, and I'm now pretty happy with my 100 mg's (in liquid form, about half a shot glass).
I've been a compulsive overeater most of my life, though when I was 8 I went through a little thing where I wouldn't eat. When food was forced on me, I kept it in the back of my mouth and spat it out later, because I was too afraid to make myself throw up. I read all of these books about growing up and being a teenager, and they talked about eating disorders, and I thought I was just taking the easy version.
My mom made me start eating again, and after a while I realized what a stupid thing I'd been doing. Being only 9 at the time, I thought I should /start/ eating. And eat I did. I'd go home and have two or three slices of cake, some crackers, then clear my plate at dinner. By the time I turned 13 I was eating three servings of everything at dinner, half a bag of crackers as a snack, and could eat four hash browns, cereal, and bacon for breakfast.
At the same time, I was rather pudgy. Not fat, I was only 130 pounds and 5 feet tall, but I was pudgy and I knew it. I spent hours every day agonizing about how I could lose weight fast, and looking in the mirror at the worst angle on purpose, just to look at my rolls of fat, as some form of inspiration for weight loss. What the Hell I was thinking at the time is beyond me. I got freaked out, because all of my life I'd been skinny, so I ate. And ate.
After a while I realized, yes, this was slow, that my eating was what was causing the problem. I went on a very easy diet at the start of eighth grade, and got down to 125 pounds. I was still pudgy, though, and so I got depressed and overate again. This happened over and over again until this past February, when I decided to do the healthy thing and join a gym. I'm now down to 114, but I haven't been to the gym in a while and most of my weight is flab. I'm still working on getting thinner, and right now I'm kind of depressed. I keep on binging and I want to stop, but I don't have any form of support. That's what I came to this group for.
Edit by Kudzu
Please come visit the Introduction Thread to post this!
