Some of My Work. (compliments, comments, and criticism)

[BoomBot Ninja]

This is a very short sample of my poetry. It has been entered in Arenas, but hasn't gotten much feedback. I intend on posting more samples of my work, pending on the reaction to this post. This is my original work.

Loving Lullaby

Sing me a lullaby
Put me to bed
The thoughts and the dreams
Inside of my head
Are always about you
And the songs that you sing
They chase away nightmares
And mend broken wings
My restless mind calming
More and more with each note
Relaxing this tension
You help me to cope
Your song in my heart
Chimes loudly and clear
The pain is subsiding
As you hold me so near
My heart beats more calmly
I’m drifting away
Your song becomes whispered
As consciousness fades
I’m dreaming of you now
And the songs that you sing
As you teach me to fly
On freshly mended wings

((I made a few changes...I don't want to edit too much! ^^; ))  

[ze proffezionalle]

I'm not worth much when it comes to critique, but I'm confused by the structure you're going for. Not that it's bad, it's just slightly discordant, and with the rhyming I think it comes off as a little disorganized. It just doesn't seem melodious, like a lullaby should be.

"Breaks loudly and clear" sounds strange to me, but probably only because of the word choice. Even with romantic/poetic language, I can't see how a song would be able to break. It sort of destroys the visual, and I get a "wavering" image. Perhaps change it to "rings" or "bursts" and it may be better.

On the last line, "fresh-mended" should be "freshly mended".

Personally I find the subject to be cliche but it's tender, and it's exceptional writing. Well done. Keep going, and I hope you keep posting. : )  

[BoomBot Ninja]

ze proffezionalle

I'm not worth much when it comes to critique, but I'm confused by the structure you're going for. Not that it's bad, it's just slightly discordant, and with the rhyming I think it comes off as a little disorganized. It just doesn't seem melodious, like a lullaby should be.

"Breaks loudly and clear" sounds strange to me, but probably only because of the word choice. Even with romantic/poetic language, I can't see how a song would be able to break. It sort of destroys the visual, and I get a "wavering" image. Perhaps change it to "rings" or "bursts" and it may be better.

On the last line, "fresh-mended" should be "freshly mended".

Personally I find the subject to be cliche but it's tender, and it's exceptional writing. Well done. Keep going, and I hope you keep posting. : )

Thank you, and I agree with you.
I was unsure of this one. That's why it was posted first! ^^;  

[BoomBot Ninja]

Here's another of my original work. I know, these two seem very...angsty, like I'm looking on the negative side of things, but every poem I've written was directed at a different event or some kind of emotional strain. I write when I feel the need to express my thoughts or emotions, and to get to that point, I either need to have been recently made very happy or very...upset/angry. As a teenage girl, I think you know which occurs most often. The two that I've posted thus far are not my best, but I intend on posting more later. sweatdrop Anyway, onward to greatness.

Still The Same

Give me your heart
And I’ll try not to break it
Lend me your hand
As I try not to take it
Hiding in darkness
I’m left all alone
My tears make sight blurry
My heart full of holes
I know who I’ve hurt
With what I have done
I don’t belong here
You’re not the right one
To hide my deception
You’ll steal me away
I’m clinging to you
As true love starts to fade
More mistakes and more lies
I was trying to change
But another heart shatters
As I still stay the same

 

[iEccentric]

All I have are comments and I think that your Poems are awesome.
I can especially relate to Loving Lullaby -- You need to make more.
I enjoy reading your work.  

[BoomBot Ninja]

iEccentric

All I have are comments and I think that your Poems are awesome.
I can especially relate to Loving Lullaby -- You need to make more.
I enjoy reading your work.

Thank you.
^^;
I think I'll post a longer one next...
I like getting feedback on my poetry~  

[BoomBot Ninja]

Ok, now let's try a long poem. Remember, please, I'm looking for feedback on any poems I post here. I intend to publish ASAP, and I'd like to know how well my work will be accepted.
I read this one in my 8th grade talent show~ 4laugh

Change Your Tactics

You tell me your heart
Has been beaten, and torn
Ripped apart, broken
Forever forlorn
You feel you gave love away
So carelessly before
And if you don't love again
The pain will be no more
But ask yourself this question
Then hear my advice
Could you stand not to love
For the rest of your life?
Never to hear "I love you."
And to honestly say
"I love you, too
And I will, every day."?
My advice to you is
Don't give up on love
Just change your tactics
That should be enough
Use your heart wisely
Don't give it away
And though it may hurt
Don't let love get in your way
You know what you're worth
You have nothing to prove
Just because you don't always win
Doesn't mean you'll ever lose
Accept your mistakes
For they've helped to make you
This is one thing in life
I know for sure to be true
Be selfish with love
It's your heart, you know best
Give it only to who you think
Passed the test
Know there is a chance
That you'll be hurt again
But don't give up completely
It isn't the end
I've told you everything
That I think you should know
And with this new knowledge
On you should go
Find someone who loves you
For all that you are
Never give up on love
To tend to old scars.

 

[ze proffezionalle]

I thought that the second poem was a large step up into brilliance, and then you had to post "Change Your Tactics". I am absolutely in love with the advisory, well-meaning nature. It's also something that I wish a lot of people I knew could think about, and take in..

All I have to say is that the "Don't let love get in your way" line confuses me a bit. I'm not sure how. It sounds awkward but in context it isn't, and I thought maybe there was a secretly odd word choice in there but I can't figure if changing anything would improve it. So maybe there is nothing wrong, but it just struck me.  

[BoomBot Ninja]

ze proffezionalle

I thought that the second poem was a large step up into brilliance, and then you had to post "Change Your Tactics". I am absolutely in love with the advisory, well-meaning nature. It's also something that I wish a lot of people I knew could think about, and take in..

All I have to say is that the "Don't let love get in your way" line confuses me a bit. I'm not sure how. It sounds awkward but in context it isn't, and I thought maybe there was a secretly odd word choice in there but I can't figure if changing anything would improve it. So maybe there is nothing wrong, but it just struck me.

Thank you so much for your comments! ^^
And as for that line...hm...I suppose I was reffering to the way so many people, not just teenagers, let a romance or relationship block their view of the future. I know it's sometimes justified, but other times it's reckless.
I've seen that a lot in my family and with my friends.  

[ze proffezionalle]

BoomBot Ninja

Thank you so much for your comments! ^^
And as for that line...hm...I suppose I was reffering to the way so many people, not just teenagers, let a romance or relationship block their view of the future. I know it's sometimes justified, but other times it's reckless.
I've seen that a lot in my family and with my friends.

No prob! And ah, that makes sense. It was just very vague before because it had that line and the rest of the poem let out the message "be careful with who you love," so it seemed to contradict. I have no suggestion as to how to fix that though lol so all is okay! I hope you do post more.  

[BoomBot Ninja]

Ok guys, this one is my longest, most meaningful (to me), and my own personal favorite. I wrote it at the close of a long, painful ordeal between me and someone who had been my closest friend, and in fact, reading this poem after I wrote it made me realize that I could move on.
It may be my last post for a while, I need to write more.
It's broken into stanzas on the recomendation of a school teacher...but, I could really care less whether it is or not! Enjoy!!

Captive

You broke me down slowly
You tore me apart
Each tear in my eyes
Is a crack in my heart

How deep is this dagger?
I wish you could see
But you turn a blind eye
To how much you hurt me

What you see on the outside
I seem so relaxed
I laugh and I smile
But this joy isn’t fact

On the inside I’m crying
I’m sobbing, I’m shaking
It’s hard to believe
But I’m quietly breaking

This pain growing stronger
And harder to hide
My sight becomes blurry
As tears brim my eyes

The tears take control
I just can’t hold them back
And I’m once again longing
For the strength that I lack

I look up at you, sobbing
Curled up on the floor
My voice breaks so shakily,
“I can’t hide it anymore,

You broke me so thoroughly
Right down to my core
Ignoring the scars
That were there long before

I gave you my heart
In hopes of safe-keeping
But you broke it instead
Now I’m laying here, weeping

I ask for no excuses
I could never care for one
I only wish you’d recognize
The damage that you’ve done

You took my heart and warped it
My trust was washed away
The pain is not forever
But the damage is here to stay.”

Understanding washes over
The confusion in your eyes
You kneel down beside me
And you start to cry

You choke out “I’m sorry
I’ve done this to you
Your heart has been broken
Because I wasn’t true

All this pain that I’ve caused
You didn’t deserve
I would take it all back
But it can’t be reversed

I tried to protect you
I tried to be there
But I broke you so wholly
It just isn’t fair

I can never take back
The things that I’ve done
And now your rejection
Is the prize that I’ve won

I ask your forgiveness
From the pit of my heart
Though I don’t deserve it
I request a fresh start.”

I look in your eyes
And my tears lose their hold
For a moment I’m free
From the lies that you told

“I’ll forgive you,” I sigh
“Because now I can see
The chains have been broken
I’m finally free.”

 

[PeaceKarmi]

I actually really like this poem. It's very descriptive, and it really explains what people go through when they've been betrayed by a close friend or something of the sort. It wasn't confusing, not to me, and it got right down to the point. Everything was right there, no hiding behind words or anything like that.
I really like the metaphors, especially at the end, "The chains have been broken/I'm finally free." This is probably my favorite line, because I'm assuming it shows the power of forgiveness? That, at least, is what I got from it.
But, this poem was very good!  

[BoomBot Ninja]

PeaceKarmi

I actually really like this poem. It's very descriptive, and it really explains what people go through when they've been betrayed by a close friend or something of the sort. It wasn't confusing, not to me, and it got right down to the point. Everything was right there, no hiding behind words or anything like that.
I really like the metaphors, especially at the end, "The chains have been broken/I'm finally free." This is probably my favorite line, because I'm assuming it shows the power of forgiveness? That, at least, is what I got from it.
But, this poem was very good!

Thank you very much!
At the end, I was talking about forgivness...after the ordeal I realized that if I didn't forgive my offender I myself could never move on from it.
"Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else.
You are the one that gets burned." ~Buddha.
The same is true for most people, oui?  

[PeaceKarmi]

You are very welcome! I love seeing work like this!
And, that is very true. I have experienced similar situations, but you have to wonder who hasn't.
And, I couldn't agree with Buddha more.