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 Posted: Thu Aug 02, 2007 10:39 pm
despite the fact that this guild is dead, i would like to have this here for anyone passing by. i plan on adding more as they come. i am still available as a mentor in both areas but either no one cares, or you're all too scared.
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Posted: Sun Sep 09, 2007 1:24 pm
booyah. this is copied from a private message. the poem is copied from a critique thread and is credited to the poster's current username. these things do change, however. in the conversation that preceded this message, i had expressed distaste for her style and substance and questioned her usefulness to the OP/L. The original critic's notes were added in parentheses wherever she felt like it, despite the fact that the poet used a similar device in the piece itself. i have bolded her notes for her where i address them. xFTHMx notes on the poem will be in blue, notes on your critique in red. She who shall remain nameless Shadowlarc Could you please critique this poem. Be harsh, I like it rough.
Twelve Minutes to Midnight you didn't call them on the cliche ******** title? this title's is so cliche it's not funny. it's like the Iron Maiden song but with twice as much time, and what's really funny is that if Iron Maiden used it, it's by definition CHEESY. seriously. they didn't have an original idea in their life. every title, every song is about different things they read. what saved them was the guitar riffs. unfortunately, you have none.She left last night; I caught her bathed in the glow of our GE, (Who the hell are you talking about here?) it doesn't MATTER who he's talking about. the rest of the poem talks about the same ******** person. what, you want a name or something?a threadbare pack over one shoulder, (This should so be the start of a new sentence.) no it ******** shouldn't. he should delete one of these commas.the last tall-boy in her hand (what the ******** are you trying to say here, please elaborate.) he does that in the line below, dumbass. a tall-boy is slang for a tall can of liquor, usually beer or malt-beverage. it is prized by punk-rockers, bums, tweakers, metal heads, and OG ******** fruity ale I’ll miss after work).
In that ghost light her lips tremble
good-
...........night
.....................luck
.............................(bye) (Interesting here.)
interesting? pretty ******** awesome, if you ask me. while this piece starts out very strong, it starts to weaken in this next stanza.
She ambles down the street
from post to post until
darkness encases her figure, finally
making her decision,
I stand less stunned
than I thought I would be.( The beginning of this is a ******** cliche, would it also kill you to use proper punctuation where it's needed?)
would it kill YOU to use proper punctuation in your criticism?
the problem isn't necessarily the punctuation, it's that the sentence ends about him when it started about her. ambles is alright, it's "down the street" that's kinda filler. if she ambled from post to post it would be alright, i think. but yes, a period instead of a comma after "decision". see how i'm specific? i have yet to go line for line.
Her perfume still lingers
on my tongue, nice twist, something smelled being tasted, but that makes me think that you licked her neck before she left.
and a dope-filled haze seeps CLICHE, not to mention there was no reference to any drugs but alcohol until here at the very end, so it's not having any impact on me whatsoever.
out of the room she kept. linebreaks got VERY predictable through here.
She’s off to some golden shore i wish i had a skittle for every time i've read these words together in this order. i ******** LOVE skittles.
and will never return to my world
(but that’s alright).(Okay this isn't half bad.) are you ******** serious? this poem lost more and more steam with each successive stanza and ends on the biggest cliche of the poem. the parenthetical end is ok, but it's too little too late after that cliche and anticlimactic second-to-last line. why your world? i liked it better when it was just your apartment. This poem has a few cliches and I think you can ELABORATE in many places, I won't even bother with. You know the mechanics, apply them during revision. Have a nice day this poem is mediocre. the problem with cliches is that if people realized they were cliche, they probably wouldn't have used them in the first place. they must be pointed out because if left to their own devices, they'll probably miss em. i still miss them in mine til someone points them out. this poem was pretty good, but you wouldn't "even bother with" it to help him out. how do you know he knows the mechanics? do YOU? WHAT MECHANICS? i'm not working on a car here. and your snarky-a** closing statement... jesus christ, do you want them to come back to you for help or not? you're just being a b***h.
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