this is not written by me D: it's by
http://renea.deviantart.com/ who is an awesome artist :3 I though it was funny, it made me laugh.
things in the list with a "~" infront of them are about non existing Akatsuki members created by the author of this joke.
Oi, random person. If you’re reading this then that means you’re either interesting in joining Akatsuki, or already have, nya~ Then again there might be other reasons for you reading this, but whatever. Remember to read the rules carefully, and follow them with extreme caution, unless you want to get eaten by a giant muffin
Love,
Akatsuki Leader Pein~
Pein is very busy, so I, Uchiha Itachi, will be writing the rest of the Guide, and will explain the rules and requirements of our organization to the best of my ability.
Requirements:
Items marked * are mandatory.
- Cloak*
- Hat
- Standard Akatsuki fishnet Shirt (Any other sort of shirt is acceptable)
-Standard Akatsuki pants*
- White leg warmers (This in no way associates us with Maito Gai)*
- Sandals*
- Purple nail polish*
- S-ranked, or, “Kick a**” Ninja Skills*
- Poker skills
- Loyalty to the leader*
- Ring ( For fully qualified members. Not required for subordinates, e.g: Tobi)
FAQ
And now, I will answer some questions frequently asked by subordinates, new members, and fangirls.
What is your goal?
That would be a spoiler. It’s in the manga. I’ll leave you to read that on your own.
How do I become a fully qualified Akatsuki?
Since all ten rings are taken, a member would have to die before it would be possible to promote a subordinate. But if a space was available, you would have to prove that you have what it takes to be one of us. Challenging an existing member is one way, another is to survive watching 48 hours of the teletubbies. I suggest the first option, as no one has survived the latter.
Why do you wear those weird outfits?
The leader loves the bell hat, and the cloak is good for hiding out movements. Also, we wear them to prove that we look good in anything.
Will you marry me, Itachi?
No. I’m spoken for.
Rules
These rules are to be followed by all members. Failure to do so will be punished severly by the leader. All Akatsukis must agree to the following:
1. The leader shall never be referred to as “Pinnykins” or “Pinny clause”
2. Sasori is NOT “Pinoccio.”
3. Art is a bang. Do not contradict this statement.
4. There is nothing strange about Deidara saying “un.”
5. Do not start saying “Un” yourself.
6. Kisame is blue. This do not justify singing “Eiffel65” songs in his presence.
7. Zetsu is allowed to contradict himself as much as he wants to.
8. No prank phone calls to Otogakure. As amusing as it is to annoy Orochimaru, the long distance bills make it detrimental to our fund- raising.
9. No eating Muffins. EVER.
10. No “Fish are friends not food” jokes to Kisame
11. No humming of the “Jaws” theme, either.
12. No comparing our plans to that of “Pinky and the Brain.”
~13. Do not sing “Puff the magic dragon” around Ryuu.
14. The “Barbie girl song” is banned from the headquarters.
15. Tobi is fair game for any teasing, taunting, or abuse.
~16. No suicide attempts ( THIS MEANS YOU, RYUU!)
17. Deidara’s clay is not a plaything.
18. What happens at poker night, stays at poker night.
~19. Keeps sake away from Ryuu at all costs.
20. Bathe regularly.
21. Nothing said while drunk should be taken seriously.
22. Nothing said while drunk should be repeated.
23. Kakuzu is not “ Mr. Monopoly”, or “Scrooge,” and should not be referred to as such.
24. No ordering Pizza to the hideout.
25. You are in no way “Bringing sexy back.”
26. We will conquer all small villages- except for Crazy no sato. Their leader baked our leader cookies.
27. Marshmallows are evil. PURE EVIL.
~28. Gin does NOT resemble Orochimaru. It is wrong to imply that she does.
~29. Ryuu does indeed resemble a porcelain doll. But please refrain from pointing that out. For safety reasons.
~30. Do not, under any circumstances, remove Ryuu’s blindfold without permission
31. No streaking. (I’m talking to YOU, Kisame.)
~32. DeiRyuu fanfiction is strictly prohibited.
~33. GinRyuu fanfiction is also prohibited.
~34. Ryuu is not to be referred to as an “Emo kid.”
~35. Or an “Angst monkey”
~36. Gin is not to be referred to as anybody’s “b***h”
37. You are not “Luke” nor am I your father.
38. The “I’m not wearing underwear” song is banned.
39. We are not “Akatsukilicious”
40. Hidan is NOT “Draco Malfoy.”
41. Do not sell Sasori’s puppets over “Ebay”
42. Even if “It’s what he would have wanted”
43. You are NOT “The Real Slim Shady”
44. No tackle-glomping anyone smaller than you are, for safety reasons.
~45. Though funny, do not tell Gin that she is “The weakest link, goodbye.”
46. “My little pony” does not belong in the Akatsuki hideout.
47. No singing, or dancing to the “Pepto Bismol” song.
48. “Save a horse, Ride a weasel” is NOT funny.
49. No one cares if you “know where Waldo is.”
50. There will be absolutely NO “going commando” under the Akatsuki cloak. ( This means YOU, Hidan)
Follow these regulations carefully, and you will be able to fit into this organization. Please dispose of this message carefully, so that it cannot be apprehended by enemies. (Burning, eating, etc.) Now, you’ve completed your first lesson of what it meas to be an Akatsuki. Congratulations, and good luck.
-Uchiha Itachi
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