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Reply Work written between 2003 - 2006
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skyler919

PostPosted: Mon Aug 01, 2005 12:55 pm


This is the first time I've tried this. This is more of a fan-fic of my friend's character Balkar, but you'll get the point. The final part of the story does add a narrator so when Blakar speaks it will marked with a (?), and the she mentioned is his newly found mother. In case you want a little more his love of many years died and he's pretty much given up hope. I don't know what to call this either so any ideas would be helpful too. And just so I say it now this is long or fairly so. Thanks for reading.


Why have you gone?
Leaving me here all alone,
To endure each day’s pain
As it filters down into my bones.

Taken from me.
As I have found love.
You flew away forever,
To the heavens above.

So into depression,
I fell into the swirl
Of sadness and pain,
And the end of my world.

Without you in my life,
I’ve no point to go on.
Everything’s become darkness,
For this night, there’s no dawn.

But with each thought of death,
I hear your sweet voice.
I’m assured life is worth living,
Temporarily that is my choice.

But to express any joy, life or love.
Why should I even try?
With every thought of you and me,
I can't help but break-down and cry.

For when you left this heartless world,
My feelings left along with thee.
Acts of happiness have all gone away,
Sunk in a bottomless blood-filled sea .

The memories of you, and our time spent together,
Are all that keep me alive.
But that one day that I may leave this world,
To be with you I strive.

Why should I wait, throw in the towel now.
For each day out weighs the last.
Any reason to keep waking up,
Has long since died and past.

So with this dagger I surrender to thee,
To take away all my pain.
That leaving this world and being with you,
Can clear my one last stain.

He took that dagger in his hand.
The memories of her filled his head.
Urging on his one last task.
Fulfilling his wish to be dead.

‘I know join thee!
I’m through with trying!
Here is the end, don’t worry my sweet,
To be with you I am vying’.

Into his flesh he went.
His hands stained.
As he slowly fell to the ground,
Outside crashed the thunder and rain.

As he slowly died, muttering silently,
‘Kira, no longer shall we suffer alone.
I’m coming to be eternally yours’.
And at his last breath a bright light had shone.

With his last bits of strength,
Balkar opened one eye.
She took his hand,
As he would now die.
PostPosted: Tue Aug 02, 2005 10:55 am


I think this poem is really good- it tells a story like you intended it to, has lots of emotion, and has good imagery. I think the punctuation could be improved though- a few times I found a comma or period necessary to help keep the rhythm of the poem. Overall, it was a very good poem. Good job!

Cereah
Crew


Cyan~Fire

PostPosted: Tue Aug 02, 2005 9:33 pm


Ehhh, the only thing that made it anything close to poetry was the rhyming, and even that was forced sometimes. Add some rhythm! Add some radical vocabulary! Add something!
PostPosted: Tue Aug 02, 2005 10:09 pm


Cereah
I think this poem is really good- it tells a story like you intended it to, has lots of emotion, and has good imagery. I think the punctuation could be improved though- a few times I found a comma or period necessary to help keep the rhythm of the poem. Overall, it was a very good poem. Good job!
Thank you.

skyler919


skyler919

PostPosted: Tue Aug 02, 2005 10:12 pm


Cyan~Fire
Ehhh, the only thing that made it anything close to poetry was the rhyming, and even that was forced sometimes. Add some rhythm! Add some radical vocabulary! Add something!
Ok....well sorry it wasn't to your liking. I'll be sure to do that next time. Thank you anyhow.
PostPosted: Wed Aug 03, 2005 1:00 pm


I think this is well-witten, i like this style of poetry, but I am a little tired of the subject. . granted it's love, but it's also suicide. . .the two don't always have to be connected. never saying how she died, makes the suicide less understandable. and a suicide solution is a cowardly solution. . .

yama_neko


skyler919

PostPosted: Thu Aug 04, 2005 10:01 pm


yama_neko
I think this is well-witten, i like this style of poetry, but I am a little tired of the subject. . granted it's love, but it's also suicide. . .the two don't always have to be connected. never saying how she died, makes the suicide less understandable. and a suicide solution is a cowardly solution. . .
I know, but, the real story ended with him killing himself. In this case, it was kinda unavoidable.... sweatdrop Thanks for commenting though.
PostPosted: Tue Aug 09, 2005 9:05 am


Yeah, it did have emotion, and at least the rhyming didn't feel forced, but it was a little predicable in the sense of what each stanza would be about.

Magnolia_x

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Work written between 2003 - 2006

 
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