|
|
|
|
|
|
|
f l a v o r e d s t a r s
|
 Posted: Mon Aug 13, 2007 7:36 pm
Here you can post many cheesy and hillarious mormon jokes. Anything you want, jokes, comics, pons, and anything else. And guess what??? I don't have to warn everyone to keep the jokes clean cause we're all mormon! Yeah for Mormons!!!!!!!!!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Aug 13, 2007 9:12 pm
Kay, I'll post the first jokes.
A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors (elderlies) down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches . After approx. fifteen minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times. At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady answers, "We just love the chocolate around them." LOL.
Church Bulletin Bloopers
If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.
We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector.
Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight.
Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.
Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.
Lent is that period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter.
SUNDAY SCHOOL
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama.
Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."
STORY OF ELIJAH
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.
"Now," said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?" A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know, I know," she said, "to make the gravy!"
LOT'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Johnny interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was DRIVING," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."
POOR LION
A Sunday school teacher was telling the youngsters about Daniel and the Lions Den. She had a picture of Daniel standing, brave and confident, with a group of lions around him. One little girl started to cry. The teacher said, "Don't cry. The lions are not going to eat Daniel." The little girl said, "That's not what I'm crying about. That little lion, over in the corner, isn't going to get any food."
HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" One child blurted out, "Aces!"
SUNDAY SCHOOL
Nine year old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Bobby was excited about the task. But, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Bobby was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my shepherd and that's all I need to know."
Dear Dogs and Cats,
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way. The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is to kiss me, and then go smell the other dogs or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you. To pacify you, I have posted the following message on our front door.....
Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture
3. I like my pet better than I like most people.
4. To you it's an animal. To me he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, and are easier to train. They usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.
|
|
|
|
|
|
f l a v o r e d s t a r s
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
f l a v o r e d s t a r s
|
Posted: Mon Aug 13, 2007 9:21 pm
*ahem* I have more haha. sweatdrop
The last one is pretty funny lol... I can totally imagine the dad's face lol.
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight and
began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.
Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard
voices from inside the cemetery.
He slowed down to investigate.
Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick,"
said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard!
Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth.
Let's see if we can see the Lord. " Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence,
yet were still unable to see anything.
The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they
tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the
fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
Don't under estimate someone because they are not like you
because they can be a blessing to you.
While checking the church storeroom, the Pastor discovered
several cartons of new Bibles that had never been opened and
distributed.
So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the
congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-
door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the
church.
Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the
task. The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living
as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But
he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who
had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his
speech impediment.
Poor Louie stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage
Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars
stacked with Bibles.
He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their
door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister
immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out
selling our Bibles last week?"
Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using
my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here's the
$200 I collected on behalf of the church."
"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his
hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is
indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the
church last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied,
"I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 Bibles on behalf of the
church, and here's $280 I collected."
The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You
are truly a professional salesman and the church is also
indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And
Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?" Louie
silently offered the minister a large envelope.
The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?"
the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you
suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door to
door, in just one week?"
Louie just nodded. That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said
in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have
sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think
you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."
Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-
f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie,
just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," louie replied, "W-w-w-w-
would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this
b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-
would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-
here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew...
"They won't let me fart."
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that the bed was nicely made, and everything picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad".
With the worst possible premonition, he opened the envelope and with trembling hands read the letter:
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!! Don't worry, Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love,
Your son, John
P.S.
Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Aug 13, 2007 10:04 pm
Those are pretty funny! lol
This isn't a joke, but I have a funny story about when I joined the church. For the first 6 months, I kept feeling bad for my Bishop, who's name was Bishop Morris. I felt bad because everyone kept taking about how they great Bishop Rick was and how much they loved him. In Fast and Testimony meeting, so many people spoke of this great Bishop Rick. After 6 months, I finally asked a member of my ward, "Who the heck is Bishop Rick?" That's when they told me about the bishopric. I was a little embarrassed, but thought it was kinda funny. I remember wanting to meet the great BISHOP RICK!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
f l a v o r e d s t a r s
|
Posted: Tue Aug 14, 2007 7:06 pm
haha nice. bishopbrick does really sound like bishop rick...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Aug 14, 2007 10:34 pm
Yeah. I felt pretty silly when I found out what it really meant.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
f l a v o r e d s t a r s
|
Posted: Thu Aug 16, 2007 10:21 am
It's ok. When I was little, on fast and testimony meeting, I always wanted to bare my testimony.(and when I was little I used to live in a very large ward...) So everytime I was going to go up to the podium, my mom would tell me to just say the things I was thankful, and not ask for any blessing. (I used to think that a prayer was a testimony with your eyes open lol) So anyway, every single time I went up there each month, I would always ask for blessings, so it would be like this:
"I'd like to burry my testimony, (yes I used to say burry) that I know this church is true. And I'm thankful for my family. Please bless that we can all be happy. and I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen."
Yeah it was pretty funny, I never knew but all the older people were always giggling at me during my "testiomy" haha.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Aug 17, 2007 1:19 pm
eek that was the biggest speech bouble I've ever seen!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Aug 17, 2007 1:54 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Aug 18, 2007 6:11 pm
|
f l a v o r e d s t a r s
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Aug 20, 2007 9:40 pm
This is what Nephi would look like if it was written by Dr. Seuss.
Nephi: Of goodly parents I was born
I've never drunk, I've never sworn
This is Lehi, he's my dad
Laman, Lemuel, they are bad
And who is this? Why this is Sam
Yes, this is Sam;
Sam: Sam I am
Laman: That Sam I am, that Sam I am
I do not like that Sam I am
Sam: In a tent, my father dwelt
Laman: And it's so hot, I think I'll melt
Lemuel: Our father's brain is out of whack
Laman: Yeah, it's too hot, I'm going back
Lehi: Then go and get the plates my dear
Laman: On second thought, I'm staying here
Nephi: You said you'd leave and go away
Now all you want to do is stay?
Lemuel: That Nephi always gets his way
Laman: Here we are in this damp cave
Sam: We would not be here if you'd behave
Nephi: I will go and I will do
There's the angel, that's my cue
Laban's had too much to drink
Now he'll lose his head, I think
Nephi: Look what I found, a brother from the quorum
Sam: We will take him home, we will call him Zoram
Lemuel: Oh great, another pathetic life form
Laman: Our gold and silver we have spent
I do not like it in this tent
Lemuel: I cannot read the Liahona
I must have drunk too much Corona
Laman: We hate it here, we have no lives
Lehi: Then go back to the city and get some wives
Lehi: A tree, a tree, I see a tree
The fruit is white, the fruit is free
A floating building, could it be?
Why do they laugh and stare at me?
Laman, Lemuel, come and see
Laman: We will not eat your precious fruit
Lemuel: We will not wear a tie and suit
Laman: We will not help you build your boat
Lemuel: We do not think that it will float
Laman: No not this boat, it will not float
Not even in a shallow moat
I do not care what Nephi wrote
Lemuel: We will not eat your fruit I say
Laman: We will not eat it on a tray
Lemuel: And we won't eat it in a tent
Not even if your clothes you rent
Laman: We'd rather have a can of spam
L & L: We will not eat it, Sam I am
Sam: You do not like it, so you say
Try it, try it, and you may
Try it and you may I say
Laman: Sam, if you will let us be,
We will try it, you will see
L&L: Say, we like this fruit of life
Sorry that we caused such strife
You've saved us from an awful jam
Thank you, thank you, Sam I am.
Haha, I thought this was funny.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Aug 23, 2007 7:45 am
 Hehe this is funny... lol
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
The Kingdom Keeper Captain
|
Posted: Sat Aug 25, 2007 2:36 pm
BULLETIN BLOOPERS
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Please invite others to church, pray for those that hate you, say hell to those who wrongfully use you.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Evening massage - 6 p.m.
The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?"
Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"
Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
Ushers will eat latecomers.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Sep 14, 2007 11:01 am
How many LDS social workers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but the bulb has to want to change!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Nov 25, 2007 7:48 am
kk heres one my seminary teacher told me...
These two missionaries went tracking one day, and they came upon this little old ladies house and knocked on the door. Right as she opened it she gasped and drew back, "Your the Mormons," She said horrified.
"Er..yes mahm we hear for the church of Je..." the first missionary said
"Don't say his name," She shrieked cutting him off, "You guys are Satan worshippers. My pastuer told me about you evil people,"
The first missionary said again, "No, we..."
"Stop right there," she said.
The second missionary was getting very impatient and finnally said, "You know what lady your right. Us missionaries just cut our horns off before we start serving so we don't scare people away. Do you want to feel the bumps on my head where I cut my horns off?"
"Er...sure." The lady said fearfully and reached forward to touch his head.
"Do you feeling anything?" the second missionary asked.
"No" the lady said
"Not even stupid?" He replied
((I know terrible but at the time it was funny))
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
