Welcome to Gaia! ::

Hi guys. This here is an article from a mock magazine I have written on a non-existent RPG: Elvenkin//Destiny.

My basic idea is to just get a number of articles, put it all together and release it as a novel. It's either the best idea I've ever had, or well, it's not.

By the way, I would love any feedback from you glorious people I most likely don't even know. If it's positive, well...thanks. If it's not, then I have my Shotgun of Eject Shotgun Shells After Firing +1 at the ready...

Cheers, Travis III.

10 Ways to ‘Nullify’ Roboman, the Odd Cyborg Creature Who Looks Vaguely Out Of Place in this Particular Game for Moderately Obvious Reasons; Without Using the Toothpick of Pick Teeth +1

Ever read “So Long and Thanks for All the Fish?” Yep, it’s the fourth book in the “Hitch Hikers’ Guide to the Galaxy” trilogy, often referred to as “the crap one”. Well, in that particular novel, Wonko the Sane became convinced that he was the only sane person on Earth after buying a box of toothpicks only to find that it had instructions on it. That’s right, kiddies, instructions! On a box of bloody toothpicks!

Oh, yes, and Wonko’s house was all mixed up and it had all the interior stuff on the outside and visa versa and whatnot. Also in the book, Arthur Dent fell in love with some chick named Fenchurch who, get this, actually floated above the smegin’ ground! Can’t remember the reason for this. But I remember in the previous book, Arthur learnt to fly…

WH…what was I on about? Oh yes, Hades. Ancient Greek God of the Underworld. Quite a nice bloke if one gets to know him personally. No, that wasn’t it. Ah yes, toothpicks. Them. Those. After reading that book, the one I was rambling on before, can’t remember the name, who here has become just a little…deterred by them? I mean, Douglas Adams sent them up in what was probably his weakest book, so they must be bad and prone to satire.

And when the sad, middle aged man who invented E//D (oh, Hadal, now I’ve sunk so low as to abbreviating the bloody name), was developing the aforementioned game, he had obviously never before read “SLaTfAtF”. In fact, when I met him personally at the 2005 “E//D” Convention, (me, sad? Never!), what first struck me about him was that he seemed more like a “Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency” sort of guy.

Well, as to not stray from the point any further, the creator of E//D, Roderick Matthews, has, in all his greatness, seemed to have overlooked the fact that, in this post-“So Long and Thanks for All the Fish” era in which we live, everybody hates toothpicks with uber-obsessive passion. No smegin’ body wants to purchase the Toothpick of Pick Teeth +1 from Karak’Tor, the drunken bard who can be glimpsed, met, chatted to and mated with in the Ninth Dark Blade Inn. Nobody wants the ******** toothpick, nobody! NOBODY!

But then, a slight problem emerges in the Forest of Trees when you encounter Roboman, that hostile android who doesn’t look out of place in 50’s B-grade sci-fi.

That’s right, in your blind; “So Long and Thanks for All the Fish” fuelled hatred of toothpicks, it seems you have overlooked the fact that the Toothpick of Pick Teeth +1 is an essential item in the epic battle one must undertake against Roboman. That’s right, smegheads. You screwed up! You screwed up bad! Roderick Matthews HATES you. Now go kill yourselves…

Nah, just kidding, Roderick Matthews forgives you. He has enough love to extend to all who play E//D. He just despises everyone who doesn’t. And Communists. Smegging Communists. Who doesn’t hate Communists? So anywhom, no, that can’t be right, the word anywhom has a squiggly red line underneath it. Anywho? Nope. Ah that’s right: Anyhow. There. No squiggly line. Anyhow, after one realizes that you lack the Toothpick of Pick Teeth +1 which thus implies that you also lack the means of nullifying Roboman, you begin to swear aloud; at such a volume that everyone in the general vicinity can hear you. Don’t worry; this happens to all of us. Trust me.

You are then given the option to “Go to your last save point” or, “Lose half your gold and XP and respawn” ******** that. You want an alternative way of nullifying Roboman, don’t you? But you still obsessively hate toothpicks. Well here’s a method of the former without resorting to the latter. In fact, here are 10:

Try to nullify him with your Sabre of Kill Whoever Gets in the Way of This Thing +5. This particular weapon is quite effective against Cyborgs. Yes, I know its non-existent, but sometimes a man likes to dream about something other than naked women for a change, you know? No, that’s just me then…

Stop playing Elvenkin//Destiny. Visit some other website for a smegging change. Any website you please. Except MySpace of course. I hate that. Roderick Matthews hates it also. Would you like to contradict his greatness by visiting that particular site? Do you want to visit a website that the creator of some sad, nerdy online RPG loathes with passion? I think NOT! Nope, visit some other site. Gaia Online, for instance. Smegging good website, that. Roderick Matthews has a profile on that, so it must be good. You can add him to yer friends list, if ye please. His avatar’s name is Travis III. Add him. Roderick Matthews implores you to.

Kick the computer in a sudden fit of rage. No, this won’t help, but it will screw up your toe so badly that you might just forget about the initial problem as you scream in agony…

4) Learn to tap dance. This won’t help either, admittedly but, hell, it’s fun…

5) Commit suicide. This will not only end your current problem, but all your other
problems as well.

6) Get a life. Get over Elvenkin//Destiny. Start being a sex-obsessed, drug-
addicted, binge-drinking, reality television-watching (god help you),
ordinary person.


7) Form a band and express your problem of not being able to nullify Roboman in
musical form. Remember: Rap is not music. Rap is a bunch of “Gangstas” who
are too cowardly to do anything without five of their mates behind them,
talking really fast. You can try it, if you like, but I’ll most likely murder you
before the week is up.



Drink Lemon, Lime and Bitters; if possible of the Angostura brand. They taste
nice, and will probably end your addiction to alcohol, in turn preventing you
from getting any worse at battling Roboman.

9) Instead of getting bogged down in the main storyline which is, let’s face it,
impossible to win without being in possession of the Toothpick of
Pick Teeth +1, try one of the side quests. May I recommend ‘The Fall of
EHT’Jol, The Second-Born Son of Highly Respected Goblin Bard and Member
of the Elder Council of Westgate, EHT’KH’usk’.

While this particular quest is, in itself, rather dull and repetitive, you do join
forces with Lorien, the level 42 female Elven Fighter, with whom, assuming
you are a male (and, let’s face it, who isn’t), you can get it on in the Peaks of
Peradia when she asks, seemingly from nowhere: “Hey, you wanna make out?”
Your options at this point, are “Just get that thought out of your mind right
now, b***h!”, and “Make out? Screw that. I say we go all the way…”

Choose the latter. Trust me.

10) Pass the time by thinking up another great, easy way of nullifying Roboman.

Well guys, I hope this article has taught you all you need to know about nullifying Roboman, the odd Cyborg creature who looks vaguely out of place in this game for moderately obvious reasons, without using the Toothpick of Pick Teeth +1.

Toodle-pip!

This particular article written by: SOME BLOKE WHO DOESN’T WANT TO GET SUED


If you liked this one (ha!), then why don't you take a look at my 'The Contradictory Adventures of Bob Smith and Others' thread?

It's better than it sounds, but not by much...

Gotta admit, this made me laugh, but I definately agree with Kimi on these points. It's definately more of a rant than an article, and the problem comes from the fact that the ranting is where it gets its charm. If you really wanted to do something with this - and I wouldn't discourage it, because this was amusing - I'd suggest having it be a little extra thing, perhaps written by a character in an actual story.

Ever read 100 Ways to Bug Your Parents? It's the same thing, really, and it deals with the same thing. The main character (10 years old?) is writing a book by that name, in order to earn money, and is shocked to discover nobody is interested in the lists themselves, but everyone wants the contents.

Eh, that's my take on it anyhow.