|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Mon Aug 20, 2007 9:48 pm
It all started one quiet afternoon, when the students of Rangwell Middle School had entered their newly remodled school for the first time. 5,000 students 100 rooms, plus 20 acers of new grass, wonderful, right? Wrong. Kylee Tollmaen noticed something strange about his new school. He had a feeling that this school was different then the old, besides that it was remodled. To him, it didn't smell like a remodled school. He felt that it looked the same as the old. He thought it was weird that the school was in a new location.
"Kylee, you slow loser, come on! Don't you want to see the new library?" Alyssa Jones shouted half way down the hallway.
"I bet it looks the same, Alyssa. There is probably nothing different about it."
"How would you know, Kylee?" Alyssa asked as they walked down the hall together.
"I go in the library all the time, Al, it probably..." but he cut himself off with an aw of amasment. The library has changed, changed into this monsterous. huge, dark room.
"Wow. Kylee, this is awesome!" Alyssa said.
But, Kylee didn't have a good feeling about this library, not at all.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Aug 21, 2007 12:48 pm
you haven't wrote enough to comment on, just my biggest criticism is that you say the people's names far too much, once it is mentioned lay back a little cause it doesn't sound normal. this is a common problem with beginning writers. when you say the name too often they sound like the people are unreal and forcefully put there by the author, does that make since. however i am a big person on nomenclature and i like Kylee's name. as you can see in my own name my i am a fan of replacing the "i" with a "y" thanks to William Blake and the Tyger Poem. look it up some time its my favorite poem.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Aug 22, 2007 12:02 pm
thnx for the advice.I am trying to become a better writer, and I usually use grammer and spell check when I write stories, and I usually have my friends help me too. I kida forgot about not saying the characters names so much, thnx, and I will check the poem out!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Aug 24, 2007 1:55 pm
I agree with the repetition of the names comment, but there are also a few other words that you repeat a few times too many. For instance, in the first paragraph, you use the word "school" 5 times. You should try replacing them with synonyms or drop them altogther, to make the work flow better, for instance: building.
Also, try to avoid archaic and cliché openings, eg.: It all started. It lacks the ability to catch reader attention.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Aug 24, 2007 7:51 pm
Man, I must have been asleep durring English!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Sep 14, 2007 10:40 am
Well, i agree with the others, but on a lighter note, I think this has somewhere to go, i'm just waiting for you to point the reader in the right direction. What I mean is, what little you've written catches my interest because you immediately open up with this remodelled school, which teases my curiosity as to why it needed remodelling. Then, you show me that you know where you're going, because there is something about the library that is going to be significant to the overrall plot. Not to mention by the dialogue you've written, you've already set grounds for the relationship of the characters, clearly being that they are friends. Well done.
The only thing I have to point out is that this reads like how a manga would. Not necessarily a bad thing, just a the overall feel i get from reading it. Maybe you could write them? wink
I'd listen to the others and take it something to consider you continue your writing, but don't be discouraged. A fine skill is crafted through firm force, and if you ever need help accepting criticism, think of your literature skill as a blade being created, the smith[critics] has to make precise yet hard hits[criticisms] in order to shape the sharp edge[your writing skill] of the blade. Not that you've taken any of this badly, but i thought i'd share on how i deal with it. sweatdrop
I'm eager to see what's next. 3nodding
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Dec 02, 2007 5:49 pm
"Aren't you coming in?" Alyssa pushed Kylee through the door.
The dark blue walls and the black bookcases seemed odd. Kylee had a sniff of a strange aroma.
"It's smells like... like smoke." Kylee noted.
"It smells like new book!"
The bell rang before Alyssa could go on on how wonderful the new library was. Even the new classrooms seemed darker and eviler, like someone cast a spell on a a blue fower and made it dead and dry. The students loved it, but Kylee felt his stomach turn upside down, he did not feel good.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
