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 Posted: Tue Aug 21, 2007 9:53 pm
A lot of my friends see me as little else than comic relief. I try my damnedest to keep my depression a secret in my social circle, and I use sarcastic or nonsensical comments to make my friends laugh or cheer them up when they're feeling upset. But there's no way I can ask them to return the favor, because telling them anything, I'm afraid, would make them see me differently. Because of this, I have no real outlet. And especially during the summertime, my feelings of sadness and despair become a lot more intense.
To complicate things, I am an overweight, acne-ridden, awkward girl, just turned 19 and still haven't got a "real job", (I'm a backup singer. The pay's allright, but I don't have steady hours) and I have scars over most of my body. Not really appealing to the opposite sex whatsoever. And of course, I have just recently admitted to myself that I am, to avoid sounding cheesy, incredibly fond of a good friend of mine who is handsome, brilliant, hilarious, a bit fickle, but nobody's perfect. And, in a mostly platonic sense, he likes me a lot too. I feel guilty because I know his girlfriend and she's every bit as fantastic as he is. The ideal couple. And I start to feel sick every time I see them together. He's started asking me why I don't hang out with them anymore. I feel terrible lying to him. I'm trying to find all of his flaws and pull myself out of my obsession, but it's not easy when I have no control over what I dream about. gonk
And as for how the two problems are relevant to one another, I've developed an immunity to my current dosage of medication, and I won't be able to talk to the doctor before I go on vacation (Ten more days without appropriate medication). I can't sleep, I don't want to eat or leave the house, sometimes I don't even bother getting out of bed. I'm taking at least 20 Advil a day to numb my migraines, I can't focus on anything I do, and the only thing I can think about when I'm staring at the ceiling trying to sleep is how easy it would be to get my hands on a lethal dosage of some dangerous drug or other while I'm on vacation and make it look like an accident, anything that wouldn't suggest I did it on purpose.
Opinions? Suggestions? Anything?
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Posted: Wed Aug 29, 2007 3:16 pm
Captain Kiedis A lot of my friends see me as little else than comic relief. I try my damnedest to keep my depression a secret in my social circle, and I use sarcastic or nonsensical comments to make my friends laugh or cheer them up when they're feeling upset. But there's no way I can ask them to return the favor, because telling them anything, I'm afraid, would make them see me differently. Because of this, I have no real outlet. And especially during the summertime, my feelings of sadness and despair become a lot more intense. I started doing that a few years ago. I became just a joke. But I found out that amongst my close friends, why keep my troubled life a secret? Also, some of my friends are in fact like me... I didn't know one of them was screwed up until she opened up to me. The other is just as open about her problems as I am. Let me explain. I have a friend who, well, we were out. She's quiet, but didn't seem like she had problems. Until one day, family life came up. She said something. "Newski is the only one I can feel comfortable talking about my problems with because he is the only one who can relate." Quote: To complicate things, I am an overweight, acne-ridden, awkward girl, just turned 19 and still haven't got a "real job", (I'm a backup singer. The pay's allright, but I don't have steady hours) and I have scars over most of my body. Not really appealing to the opposite sex whatsoever. And of course, I have just recently admitted to myself that I am, to avoid sounding cheesy, incredibly fond of a good friend of mine who is handsome, brilliant, hilarious, a bit fickle, but nobody's perfect. And, in a mostly platonic sense, he likes me a lot too. I feel guilty because I know his girlfriend and she's every bit as fantastic as he is. The ideal couple. And I start to feel sick every time I see them together. He's started asking me why I don't hang out with them anymore. I feel terrible lying to him. I'm trying to find all of his flaws and pull myself out of my obsession, but it's not easy when I have no control over what I dream about. gonk First of all, yeah, that sounds like the sort of petty teen crush s**t I steered clear of all my life. You need to get over it. And frankly, being overweight does not make somebody unattractive. Acne is something that can be handled. And scars, well, ********, my sister is scarred from head to toe and nobody has ever seemed to care. I mean, I too, have a crush on somebody who won't return my feelings. But it doesn't get to me because I'm a rationalist: I know there is no such thing as true love, only "True Enough" love, and I'll find somebody who I have the same feelings for who would return them. How do I know this? Probability. Anyone who dies lonely either died too young or had already had a fill of love. Quote: And as for how the two problems are relevant to one another, I've developed an immunity to my current dosage of medication, and I won't be able to talk to the doctor before I go on vacation (Ten more days without appropriate medication). I can't sleep, I don't want to eat or leave the house, sometimes I don't even bother getting out of bed. I'm taking at least 20 Advil a day to numb my migraines, I can't focus on anything I do, and the only thing I can think about when I'm staring at the ceiling trying to sleep is how easy it would be to get my hands on a lethal dosage of some dangerous drug or other while I'm on vacation and make it look like an accident, anything that wouldn't suggest I did it on purpose. Opinions? Suggestions? Anything? Sure you need medications? Mental Illness is a scapegoat more often then it is reality. Frankly, this is something I suggest talking to somebody about instead of choosing on your own. But maybe your just having problems with life that has nothing to do with an alleged chemical imbalance. It's hormones and stress more often then it is depression.
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Posted: Sun Oct 07, 2007 6:59 pm
Quote: A lot of my friends see me as little else than comic relief. A lot of my friends saw me that way, too. My one friend, or rather a girl I knew who I thought was my friend, gave everyone in our group of friends a sort of role. Most of them were rather befitting, and I didnt really care that I wasnt deemed a leader.. but god did it ever hurt my feelings when she told me I was like the jester, I just made everyone laugh.
Anyway, as for just turning 19.. are you still in high school and are you looking to go to college? I'm almost 21 and I don't have a steady job, but that's mostly due to the whole "school comes first!" thing.. so I've been working retail, which hasn't worked out both times due to my anxiety and general inability to interact with stupid costumers who ask really stupid questions.. >>;;.. but yeah! I wouldn't worry too much about having a real job, right now. You're still young, and it's hard to get a good one when you're a) not in or just out of college/university, or b) probably just about the age of 25+. 3nodding Just .. find either a different job or maybe even a second one, if the hours and pay is what you're worrying about. Plus it'll add more to your resumes which will definitely help out in the future. :]
Also, to make things just a little blunt: if you realise that you're overweight and that it's hindering your status in the dating world.. lose weight? And I don't mean that in a mean way! I just mean.. if you don't like the weight you are or how you look, do what you can to change it. :] If you have any questions pertaining to exercise and dieting, I'm an encyclopedia. O-o;; I grew up around dieticians and personal trainers. x3 heart
Also, also (wik), try not to freak out too much about your medication. I know it seems like a long time to not have a sufficient amount, but since there's nothing you can do about it, just try to relax and have a good time. You're going on vacation after all, right? Just try you're best. Sleepless nights suck and trust me I'm an insomniac I can definitely relate. :hearts: But like I said, there doesn't seem to be much you can do about it until you get back, so just do your best to relax, ja? :]
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Posted: Mon Oct 15, 2007 1:06 pm
I'm sorry that you have to go through this, it definitly isn't easy! i know you said you don't klnow if your friends would see you differently if you told them, but i guess the only way to find out is to tell them right? i mean, as much as you dont want to lose them, i personally dont think they would be true friends if they couldnt just accept you for who you are (i dont mean that offensively to them, sorry!). Also, i agree with Newski that having acne or being over-weight does not make you undesirable. There are many great products out there that can help you get rid of the acne, and as for the being over-weight, there are ways to fix that as well! As for the medication part, thats a bit different. i feel the same with mine, it seemed to work great when i first went on it, but now i feel as if it's just keeping me stable, but i know how i am when im not on it, so i stay on it so at least i dont go ape-s**t. But definitly talk to your doctor about it. It could be that you dont really need it, or maybe just need to go on a higher doasage. Also, do you see a councellor or social worker? Any type of third-party person? It could help! I know alot of people don't think it does, but if you can find the right one, it really can take alot of the stress out this!
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Posted: Mon Oct 29, 2007 9:32 pm
I'd like to say a couple things besides what's allready been said.
I believe you are a wonderful person. ^_^ Weight don't matter, and I've got acne too. It's all normal stuff that makes you unique. It's not a bad thing, necessarily. I know a really nice girl in marching band in my hometown who's a little heavier than most but she has lots of friends! It's all a mental thing. You just have to keep telling yourself that everything that you think is wrong is ok, and it'll get better.
And if your friends accept your depression and want to help, that's a great thing. But if they dump you, you allways still have us. And you can find better friends than your current ones if they do, because it they won't accept you, they don't deserve to be your friends. I found my good friends after I was dumped by a group of girls whom I trusted. smile
I had some friends who didn't know how to handle my mental afflictions and shunned me, but others just backed off. Some of them still talk to me and others don't, but that's okay with me. They just don't understand what it means, but they may learn eventually and come back.
Just keep your head up, k?
-Caitlyn Eve
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Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 4:37 pm
im the same way im the weird kid that tells jokes and makes fun of everyone though i dont have bad acne really none at all and im not overweight
i do it to keep my schizophrenia( just a mild case i dont have two personalties or anything its mainly jsut hearing voices and seeing people) a secret sometimes it was hard i mean i would see my dad and stuff yelling at me telling me im worthless when im trying to have a conforsation with my friends and now this girl likes me and i would go out with her but what happens when she learns about my problem anywase i decided to tell some of my friends they were like "i never noticed why didnt you tell us" but things have a been a little better since i let it out my parents dont know there the next im going to tell its going to be tough but its worth it
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