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I Will Give Up Everything For Nothing

He wanted to leave me and run off to Brazil. He wanted to explore the jungle, hunt some pumas, drink, smoke, and play with the exotic men. He wanted to meet his demise fighting weaponless against a craven puma. He wanted to cease to struggle and allow the beast to tear him apart. He wanted the last thing he saw before he finally drifted into death to be the jaggedly torn sinews of his gnawed flesh. He wanted to be destroyed in a fair fight. Humanity is never fair.

Our plans are ridiculously opposite. We could never pull this off. He'd be having the adventure of a lifetime in Brazil as I spent my little, insignificant life moving from city to city, being the drifter that has always churned inside me. A life together could never work, unless one of us gave up his dreams to attach himself to the other. I could never allow him to do it, nor did I have it inside myself to give up the one thing I so dearly cling to. We could, perhaps, go to school together, spending four years glued to each other's sides, more or less. But after that, what would happen? We would once again be ripped apart from each other to live our seperate lives, seeing each other sparingly.

Could I possibly be blamed for pulling away from him? "It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." Psh. I could never believe in the "magic" of love whatsoever. We've circled each other for nearly a year, constantly indecisive between loving and leaving. I wish none of it had happened. I wish he had never waltzed so grandly into my life.

And I never plan on giving this much to another being again.

AlmostLove

You are what initialized the
high strung heart to
soar through the depths of
human emotion at double the
speed of sound [the
heart that belongs to a
poor, destruct(ed)ive soul]. And
You are what makes the
not-so-pretty girl feel
absolutely beautiful just at the
reassurance of your arms around
her waist; you return the
security in her misproportioned body.
Every meaningful phrase that
catches one's ear and derives a tear
in all sincere love songs was
written to remind that soaring heart of
you.
Every thought from the
newly secure girl's smitten head is stuck
infinitely and completely on
you.

Be the proud keeper of my
heart, body, and
soul, mon amour.

I Don't Know What This Is

Let's all be cool, kay?
Like that cult leader tells you
Fall in a hole
Do it for Him; it's His word!
Die
Live in a paradise for.. never.
Resurrection
Oh God why now?
Break your momma's heart
"You are not real, not here!"
Gently murder all your best friends
In their sleep, with an injection of silver nitrate
Kill yourself
It's a lost cause.
It's a morbidly dark scarily hilarious cycle, kay?

Toys

I.

Bordello Nicholas leaned heavily against the support pole in the basement, looking thoroughly bored with his twiddling hands hiding in the pockets of his black, orange, and yellow Nintendo track jacket; yet he also looked somehow overzealously interested at the same time. Bordello carelessly swept the bangs of his shaggy blond hair out of his eyes to unobstruct his aimless stare that was pointed in the direction of a large amplifier resting on a rickety, old plastic table. His attention was ripped slowly, as though he was thinking deeply about something important, to the torn-up-to-the-knee inside seam of his left pant leg. The pant leg looked uncomfortably twisted around his leg, and he kicked out to fix it, showing his neon yellow socks. He then directed his attention at the stairs where a faint voice seemed to be trying to talk over two guitarists, a bassist, and a drummer showing off.

Suk Adolph sat on the seat of a bench press machine placed about ten feet to the right and behind the pole, mesmerized by this mysterious, shy young man. She was far enough away that he would never notice her transfixed stare, and it also helped that her stare did not cry out for attention. He seemed to be awkwardly graceful, and he seemed to be, in his own sick way, alluringly untouchable and innocent. She knew enough about him by speaking to him by Instant Messaging to know that he would never come up and talk to her because of an anxiety disorder that made him inhumanly uncomfortable talking to people he didn’t really know. She would have to overcome her own unease in hanging out with a large group of people and talk to him first. . .

‘SUK!’ A violently piercing glare from one Leon Jackson seemed to be screaming her name impatiently, as if he had been trying to get her attention for quite sometime. She was upset to be jerked out of her eerie fascination of Bordello to listen to Leon’s suggestion for the band whose practice Bordello and Suk were sitting in on, to give their opinion of various things. Suk only half listened to Leon, but was enchanted by Bordello’s quiet, reserved voice when he expressed his opinion about Leon’s title for his newest song. He had called it “Smash Hack,” but both Bordello and Suk agreed that it seemed kind of silly to combine Smash Brothers and hacky sack for the title when the song had nothing to do with either aforementioned activities.

After the discussion about the title of the song, Suk slowly eased herself down on the bench press seat and lay on her back. She rested her head upon her hands and gazed blankly at the ceiling, her thoughts invaded by Bordello’s enthralling disposition. She closed her weary eyes after a spell and slowly drifted off to sleep, although the band was playing loudly enough for one not to be able to hear anyone, even if they were screaming in their ears. Suk had this odd talent for sleeping through anything. . .

II.

“Arlo, I would very much like to speak to Bordello right now,” Suk said, trying to conceal the earnest in her voice with boredom. She was sitting on the porch swing, enjoying lemonade on a blistering summer day about two days after seeing Bordello at Leon’s band’s practice. A semi-large young Mexican man sat next to her, roasting in the obnoxious sunlight. He was wearing heavy jeans, an Anti-Flag t-shirt, a vest made out of a suit jacket, and his old AFI red and black logo shoes. He had just shaved his hair into a mohawk the day before and had the four inch long mane of hair gelled up. His many facial piercings gleamed in the sun. He looked at her sideways, looking entertained and all-knowing.

“Don’t try to mask your voice, Suk. You may have been able to get away with it last night at John’s party, but I’m sober now and I know you all too well,” Arlo Esteban replied. Suk twisted her face away quickly so Arlo could not see, wearing an expression of embarrassment and annoyance at Arlo’s flair for knowing the nature of most individual humans he was friendly with. Arlo continued to say, “You do realize that Bordello is a complete and entire lowly boor, right? You remember, of course, when I told you some acquaintances of mine were making fun of Dana for being handicapped and for dating Wade? He, unfortunately for you, was one of them.” He waited for her to reply, but all she needed to do was slowly turn back towards Arlo, looking slightly dazed and not believing a word he said to her. He saw the illustration of her face, and let her catch a glimpse of his victorious smug smile before wiping his face clean of any emotion. “Also, he’s just plain annoying. He’s an Aryan version of Frank.”

“What do you mean by ‘an Aryan version of Frank’?” Suk was exceedingly irritated with Arlo. She gave him her most imploring glower; her eyes seeming to stab straight through him. The more he said about her exquisite find, the more sadistically irate she became. Being compared to Frank was a low blow in both Arlo and especially Suk’s point of view, for she had gone through some bad experiences with him. Frank was arrogant, judgmental, and purposely ignorant to others’ feelings so he wouldn’t feel guilty about stepping on them to get what he wanted, with a nauseatingly fake sensitivity and romanticism. Suk was dating an amazing girl named Nixie, and Frank suddenly decided he was attracted to Nixie. He lied about things Nixie said and did it to cause Suk to want to rid herself of Nixie. He caused very much drama and nuisance for the two, and they both lost all respect for him.

Arlo didn’t seem to intend to say such an insult about one of Suk’s friends. He knew how much she hated Frank. He looked frightened under Suk’s fierce stare, and then piped, “He pulls Frank’s ‘I’m so smart and educated’ showing-off act, although there is one difference: Frank’s actually intelligent and Bordello’s not. I would find it quite irritating if you stay friends with him. Actually, I find it irritating that you stay friends with half of your friends. Maybe you should ditch yours and just hang out with me and my friends.” Arlo faked a malicious sneer and then burst into laughter, thinking what he said would be taken mirthfully by Suk as well. However, Suk glared spitefully at him, clearly upset by Arlo’s choice of words. Arlo was soon fairly aware that he would not be able to take back either of the dreadful insults: Suk never let others slight people she cared about, and she definitely would not tolerate others even thinking about taking away her right to make her own choices.

“Arlo, I know you are trying to take care of me, but I by no means want to even think about hearing you want to choose my friends. I won’t stomach your slurs against people I care about. You obviously don’t know Bordello very well. He is kind, funny, interesting, and sweet. I do not believe you know me as well as you think you do!” Suk barked at Arlo, the one who was supposed to be her best friend, her self-appointed body guard. She got up and began to trudge off back into her house, leaving him outside to fend for himself.

“Suk, wait. . .” Suk might not have turned around if it weren’t for the tiniest twinge of remorse in his voice. She spun around on her heel just quick enough to glimpse apprehension and shame in his face. She slowly backtracked to the swing, sat gingerly next to Arlo, and wrapped her arms around him.

“Oh, Arlo, I love you very dearly. I know you didn’t mean it, and I know you think much higher of me than that. You’re like a brother to me. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” Suk pulled away from him to witness the most disturbing look she had ever seen on Arlo’s face. After a few seconds, he noticed he was showing every emotion in his body and wiped the slate he calls his face clean. She speculated what that odd look might mean, but her thoughts were interrupted by Arlo’s now delicate but acute voice.

“Suk?”

“Yes, Arlo?”

“Um . . . never mind.”

“Okay, then . . .”

III.

Bordello lounged on his bed with his old fashioned phone in hand and pressed against his ear. The cord stretched across the room and overtop his neck. He stretched his back, barely moving, and stared at a spider on his ceiling. He didn’t give the impression of being immensely interested in the conversation, but he also didn’t appear to have anything else to do. He smirked slightly at something his correspondent said.

“You’re harebrained, Suk,” he said slightly inattentively. With a drawn out yawn, he added, “But then again, so am I.”

“Oh, you’re not so much harebrained as off-key, my friend. The same goes for me, as well. I’m purposely out of tune with the world, but not silly. Besides, that’s what makes me enjoy your company so much. I’m wholly sure that you are the most beautiful person I have ever met.” Suk’s voice was noticeably overwrought with nerves as she went on through her speech.

Bordello squirmed and lifted himself upright when he heard the words “you are beautiful.” He remained in astonishment and silence long enough for Suk to ask if he was still there. “Yes, I’m still here, but what are you getting at with saying I’m beautiful? Don’t mess with me, Suk Adolph!” he replied in a tone of mild edginess.

“I meant it, and I mean it rather sincerely, that I am infatuated with you and fascinated, too. I’m sorry, that was completely out of nowhere. I have no idea where it came from.” Suk’s voice trailed off, and an awkward silence followed. She seemed to be waiting for him to say something, but Bordello wasn’t exactly sure about what he thought or what to say.

“Uh . . . Suk, unfortunately I’m already involved with someone. You seem really interesting and fun, don’t get me wrong. I apologize,” he lied. Bordello did actually like having a friend like Suk though. “Do you think we could remain friends and hang out still?” he added with anticipation.

“Yes, Bordello, of course! Anyway, I’m getting the impression that this conversation is going to be kind of awkward, so I’m going to go to bed.”

“Ok, Suk. Sweet dreams, and I hope to speak to you soon.”

“Goodnight, Bordello.”

Suk sounded like she took that reasonably well, Bordello thought as he walked across the room to hang up the phone, though that thought vanished and was replaced with fear when he thought he heard a voice through the phone say, “Break my heart and watch Suk Adolph mess with you!” Bordello quickly slammed the phone down, as if it were poisonous, and went to sleep feeling very jittery.

IV.

“Break my heart and watch Suk Adolph mess with you!” The words had come out of Suk’s mouth, but she didn’t say them. Shocked, she stared at the phone as if someone would pop out and say, “Ha, Suk, I got you that time!” She knew that nothing was wrong with the phone, although she frantically yearned that horrifying fact wasn’t true; lately she had been having spells where she felt very sadistic, or where she thought about slaughtering someone brutally. What frightened her, though, was the fact that she had said something so mortifying out loud without even having a thought about uttering or doing something so atrocious.

In due course, she pulled herself out of her angry glare at the phone. Suk walked over to the charger and banged the phone violently back on the cradle, as if this action would kill whatever was hiding in the phone and making her say such things.

What the hell is wrong with me? Suk thought as she dove fully clothed onto her bed. Tears gave way out of her eyes, tears she had been holding in for as long as the sinister thoughts had begun to overflow her head and seal out all the happiness and pleasant thoughts.

Her crying slowly subsided as disturbing philosophies completely took over every nook and cranny of her wits. ‘Oh, my love, there is no reason to do that detestable function,’ a new, emotionless, and disgustingly smug voice said. ‘Soon we will know the feeling of power and the taste of blood! Oi! Am I excited!’ And, as if to complete the transmutation, Suk removed her bright, cheerful sky blue shirt and her adorable maroon corduroy pants, and she replaced them with the only old and tattered black shirt she owned and her fading black cargo pants.

Suk dug out a seemingly new notebook, although she had no recollection of buying it, and began to brainstorm ways to murder her best friend and the boy she was obsessively infatuated with.

’OH MY GOD, SAVE ME FROM MYSELF!’ the last hint of Suk’s sanity tried to scream out, but it didn’t come out as much more than a pin-p***k of a thought.

’Beloved, it’s too late for that,’ replied the newly psychotic Suk. ‘And besides,’ she continued, ‘no one can hear you, even if you tried with every fiber of your pathetic, almost non-existent being.’ She cackled evilly and returned to her plans.

V.

Arlo’s jaw dropped loutishly when he saw Suk’s very indiscreet outfit and seductive, hip-shaking saunter that seemed to accentuate each and every of her best female features. Her hair was styled very meticulously, and every strand was perfectly placed. She was wearing a blood red midriff-bearing fishnet shirt, with an intricate, lacy, black bra underneath. Her bottom piece of clothing covered about as much as a loin cloth would have. The tiny mini skirt hugged her perfect, curvy body low down on her hips, showing off the four leaf clover tattoo Arlo had given her, and around the perimeter, the tattoo read “If You Can See This, You’re Getting Lucky Tonight.” Her lacy tights were held up by unceremoniously showing garters. Suk had on her stilettos she had worn for Halloween when she dressed up as a madam; they were the ones that had to be laced around her calves. Her make-up had been elaborately done, as if she had been practicing for years, although Suk rarely ever wore make-up.

“Hey there, Arlo,” she said in the most seductive voice he had ever heard her use when she arrived to where he was standing on his porch. She hinted what she wanted to do by slowly running a finger down the middle of his chest.

Arlo just stood there, too shocked and stirred up to the point of speechlessness. He gave her the up and the down, and Suk could see the surprise in his face, although his face hardly ever held emotion in it. He had most definitely never seen her look so fiery in the entirety of the time he had known her. Arlo had never noticed the sharp, stunning features of her face, the plumpness of her lips, the fullness of her breasts, the perfect curve of her waist into her hips, the way her hipbones jutted out just enough, her flawlessly toned thighs and calves . . . The things he had never noticed about her could go on forever. He wanted her like no other girl he’d ever wanted before.

“Wow . . .” Arlo finally managed to utter, but as soon as he got the word out, he was lustily and forcefully kissed deeply by Suk. She broke of the kiss slowly, as if she never wanted her lips to leave his, took him by the hand, and led him through his house and into his bedroom.

VI.

Bordello slung on his black-and-gray striped button down shirt in front of the mirror, fastened the buttons, and tucked the tail of his shirt into his khaki shorts, wondering why he had been stupid enough to agree to go on date with Suk, as he wasn’t necessarily into her at all. He spritzed some cologne on, grabbed his wallet and car keys, and hurried out the door to go pick up the oddest girl he may have ever met.

VII.

Suk and Bordello sat and swung in the very porch swing that Suk and Arlo had argued on just a few days before. Suk dressed more modestly than she had when she dropped by Arlo’s house, though. She wore a silky red knee length pencil skirt, and a black, lacy v-neck dressy t-shirt. On her feet were plain black ballet flats. Her hair was done in a stylishly messy ponytail, and she stuck with as little make-up as possible. Her perfume smelled delightfully of peaches.

The two of them both sat, looking straight forward and giving off a vibe of nervous awkwardness. Suk’s hands were placed palm down on the seat of the swing, and she looked up suddenly when she felt Bordello’s hand lay upon hers.

“I must honestly say that tonight was much more fun than I had expected it to be, and I do like you a lot,” Bordello said pleasantly, with a nonchalant grin on his face. “And you look absolutely beautiful.”

Suk blushed and flashed a shy grin. “Thank you. I’m glad everything turned out better than you thought it would. I would have felt so guilty if you didn’t have any fun.”

“Suk, now that I know you better than before, I don’t think I could ever not have fun with you!” Bordello laughed charmingly. He turned his head to see her beautiful smile and found that she was looking intently at his, too. They caught each other’s eyes and shared a timid, graceless first kiss.

They sat on the swing, laughing and talking together, so long that they spoke sleepily, and gradually fell silent. Suk cuddled up against Bordello’s chest, and they both fell asleep.

‘Boys are so dim-witted,’ Suk’s sadistic personality said. ‘I’ve got both of them in the palm of my hand! It was so simple to find out exactly what they wanted and how to ensnare them . . . Arlo will definitely come back for more, and Bordello is so lovesick that he’d never give Suk up to Arlo. My love, this is so delicious!’

VIII.

Everything was going just as Suk planned. A week went by with spending all day every day with Bordello. She was always pleasantly noticing Bordello gazing at her, like an obsessive stalker. The evenings and late nights were spent with Arlo, going to whatever place that would fulfill Arlo’s odd desires. ‘It is time, beloved, it is time to do what I do best!’ Suk thought one morning. She walked over to the phone and dialed Arlo’s phone number.

“Hello?” Arlo answered sleepily.

Suk pulled off a fake sniffle and said, “Arlo, I can’t take this anymore! I can’t take the pain or the suffering. God, I can’t even take the good times. . .” She sobbed loudly into the phone.

“Stay right there and don’t do ANYTHING. I’m coming over,” Arlo replied firmly. Ha! He’d do anything to keep a good screw!

“Oh, no Arlo, you don’t have to. . .” Suk was cut off by the click of Arlo’s phone being hung up. She grinned amusedly, and dialed Bordello’s phone number.

“Hello?”

“Bordello, I would like you to come over to meet my grandparents. Can you come now?” Suk asked sweetly and innocently.

“Yes, of course. I’ll be there in a few.”

“Okay, sweetheart!” She hung up just as Arlo pulled up in her driveway. She turned off the innocent voice and put back on the tears and painfully sorrowful face.

“Suk! Are you all right?” Arlo asked when as he clambered up to her room.

“Yes, sexy,” she replied.

Arlo grinned devilishly and said, “Jesus! Why couldn’t you have just asked? You had me worried to death!”

“Because it would ruin all of my fun, you silly boy.” She slapped him sharply across the face. “You should know that, you naughty boy!” She pushed him roughly onto her bed and lay on top of him, kissing him ferociously.

Just as Suk had climbed on the bed, Bordello pushed the door open. “Suk, I don’t see your grandparents anywhere. Are we going to drive. . .” He stopped speaking abruptly when he saw Arlo gently kissing and nibbling Suk’s neck. “WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!?” he bellowed.

He ran over to the bed and pushed Suk off of Arlo and promptly began beating Arlo’s face to a pulp. “How dare you violate my girlfriend! How dare you, you dirty Spick! HOW DARE YOU!”

Suk pulled the two boys away from each other and screamed, “STOP IT! Right now. You’re going to wake my parents. Um . . . Let’s take a drive. Bordello, give me your keys.” Bordello tossed them to her and they made their way downstairs and into the car.

“Okay,” Arlo spoke up after they had been driving for about five minutes. “How exactly do you get off calling her your girlfriend?” he asked Bordello.

“Um, maybe the fact that we’ve been going on dates every single day this week!” Bordello answered fiercely. “How exactly do you get off kissing my girlfriend in her bed?”

“Wow. We’ve been doing that every night this week. You guys were going on dates?”

“Yeah, you idiot. Where do you get your logic from, your grandfather’s stories about working in the apple orchards?” Bordello replied snidely.

“God damn it, I’m gonna kill you, you ******** Aryan b*****d!” Arlo screamed.

Suk piped up, “No need for that. I’ve got it covered.” At this, she turned so fast and suddenly that the back seat of the car where Bordello and Arlo were sitting fishtailed and slammed into a 20 year old tree with a sound close to that of a bomb.

As the debris settled, Suk reached behind her and checked the pulse of the two boys. She did not feel one for Arlo. ‘Oh my god, I killed Arlo! At least he’s not in pain! the good side of Suk thought.’ She felt a slight pulse in Bordello’s wrist.

“Bordello?” she said gently. He stirred and opened his eyes slowly and painfully. He smiled slightly. “I love you, Bordello,” she said in the most sickeningly fake sweet voice she could conjure. She picked up a sharp shard of glass and sadistically jabbed it straight in his jugular. Blood began to splurt everywhere. Suk grinned cruelly.

“My job’s done here,” she said, her lust for killing sated for the time being. “I guess I’m off. Find myself some new little pets.”

She hopped out of the mess and meandered off down the road, looking for her next toys.