The stages

Although these stages are necessary for every survivor, a few of them – the emergency stage, remembering the abuse the abuse, confronting your family, and forgiveness – are not applicable to every woman.

1) The decision to heal

Once you recognize the effects of sexual abuse in your life, you need to make an active commitment to heal. Deep healing happens only when you choose it and are willing to change yourself.

2) The emergency stage

Beginning to deal with memories and suppressed feelings can throw your life into utter turmoil. Remember, this is only a stage. It won’t last forever.

3) Remembering

Many survivors suppress all memories of what happened to them. Those who do not forget the actual incidents often forget how it felt at the time. Remembering is the process of getting back memory and feeling.

4) Believing it happened

Survivors often doubt their own perceptions. Coming to believe that the abuse really happened, and that it hurt you, is a vital part of the healing process.

5) Breaking the silence

Most adult survivors kept the abuse a secret in childhood. Telling another human being about what happened to you is a powerful healing force that can dispel the shame of being a victim.

6) Understanding that it wasn’t your fault

Children usually believe the abuse is their fault. Adult survivors must place the blame where it belongs – directly on the shoulders of the abusers.

7) Making contact with the child within

Many survivors have lost touch with their own vulnerability. Getting in touch with the child within can help you feel compassion for yourself, more anger at your abuser, and greater intimacy with others.

cool Trusting yourself

The best guide for healing is your own inner voice. Learning to trust your own perceptions, feelings, and intuitions forms a new basis for action in the new world.

9) Grieving and mourning

As children being abused, and later as adults struggling to survive, most survivors haven’t felt their losses. Grieving is a way to honor your pain, let go, and move into the present.

10) Anger – the backbone of healing
Anger is a powerful and liberating force. Whether you need to get in touch with it or have always had plenty to spare, directing you anger squarely at your abuser, and at those who didn’t protect you, is pivotal to healing.

11) Disclosures and confrontations

Directly confronting your abuser and/or your family is not for every survivor, but can be a dramatic, cleansing tool.

12) Forgiveness?

Forgiveness for the abuser is not an essential part of the healing process, although it tends to be the one most recommended. The only essential forgiveness is for yourself.



13) Spirituality

Having a sense of a power greater than yourself can be a real asset in the healing process. Spirituality is a uniquely personal experience. You might find it through traditional religion, meditation, nature, or your support group.

14) Resolution and moving on

As you move through these stages again and again, you will reach the point of integration. Your feelings and perspectives will stabilize. You will come to terms with your abuser and other family members. While you won’t erase your history, you will make deep and lasting changes in your life. Having gained awareness, compassion, and power through healing, you will have the opportunity to work toward a better world.

"The Courage to Heal, p. 64-65