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 Posted: Mon Sep 24, 2007 5:58 am
i have to say i have been at my wits end over the last few months and just dont know what to do about my 15 yr old daughter. she lost her dad when she was just 6 yrs old and it has been just me bringing her and her brothers up.
well the problem is she thinks she can do and go anywhere she wants and there is nothing i can do to stop her, if i say she is grounded she just walks out the door, if i try to stop her she says i made her mad and of she goes anyway. she is verbally abusive towards me and her younger brothers and gets aggressive when challenged. after her outburst she refuses to discuss it in any rational way and just tells me to "get over it". i love her with all my heart, but she is getting more and more difficult to live with. as long as i dont question her on her where abouts and her activities and give her money when she needs, she is fine, but challenged in anyway causes no end of abuse.
it seems weird asking for advice online, lol.... but you all are mature and im sure have raised your own as well, so i thought you might have some advice for me, thanks .
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Posted: Tue Oct 02, 2007 4:04 pm
I got married and pregnant with my now 3 month old son all by the young age of 17, I'm gonna be 19 in November! I put my poor mom through HELL (and to be honest with you, I am surprised I haven't given her a heart attack) ! I too would run away and lie like there was NO tomorrow! For some reason I was angry at everyone as a teenager, i can't explain why, I think it could have been all our hormones and puberty.. and boys! My biggest mistake is falling for every guy that said everything I wanted to hear, it's scary but true! I think about it now and It really scares me that I took life for granted the way I did! If I knew then what I know now, I swear my life would be totally different! In my young mind I thought I was some tough stuff, i was a rebel, I didn't need my mom or anyone ....... I regret wanting to grow up so fast, I sometimes wish my mom could still hold me and rock me to sleep! My priorities and responsibilities are WAY different now, I am now looking at these young kids starting to cuss and wear makeup at an even younger age than when I started to! I pray that I don't have kids that put me through what I put my mother through! My mother raised me the best way she could, I say the best because I want to raise my kids the same way!
So here is my advice:
Make them watch the news, let them see that there are real murderers, gangs, and rapist out there and they are are not only in movies! Also, for some reason as a kid I remember thinking mom and dad was our only authority, every teenager needs to know there are punishments by the law for our actions and our actions today determines our past for the future. Here is a scenario: She may run away today thinking when she gets home all there will be for her is a grounding for the week but when you feel that this time is different and call the cops on here for her own safety and your piece of mind that she is still alive (I hate to say this) but when the cops find her, she will be locked up for a court hearing about her actions and she will then be marked as a runaway for years to come!
Yes punish your kids but take the time from parenting and remember the joy of finding out the day you found out you were pregnant with her and share it with her! Tell her you love her every second you get, give her a surprise hug from behind, a kiss when you see her smile, and always tell her she is beautiful, ALWAYS!! Don't let her or you assume all this love is an excuse for what she is doing and putting you through because it's not, she does have your unconditional love but as I said before every action does come with a punishment! Here is a scenario: so when she says, "but mom, I thought you said you would love me no matter what'! Your response will be," I do and I would die for you thats why I am telling you this, It kills me when....."!! Let her know how you feel not just how it is because as a kid, i only thought about myself!
I hate to say this BUT sometime you have to just let them try or think they can do it on their own. The more and more you push them away from something the more and more they want to do it! It's like the game monkey in the middle, when you keep something out of their reach, they question why they cant, and what-if I did when you more than likely know from experience why you are doing what you are doing!!
Most parents now-a-days are so afraid of their kids calling some kind of child protective services on them that they are practically afraid to do any punishing! DON'T be! Every kid including me a few years ago always thinks the grass is much greener on the other side! So, by saying this, when and IF they threaten, let them know the truth about this kind of help, there is never a place called home once you leave home!! There is never family around and she can never take or go back once a case is opened!! ask her if this is really what she wants, it's okay is she says YES, JUST REMEMBER, a baby bird learns how to fly once it falls off the nest!! You will always br her mom and that means you will always be there for her when she falls!!
if you want more advice or for ANYTHING else please feel free to ask!! Also my mom is a gaiaer so if you want, you can ask her too!! We are more than mother and daughter now, we are best friends too!!
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Posted: Tue Oct 02, 2007 5:14 pm
I know this was posted in September, and I hope things are better now, but when I read the story it reminded me a lot of my niece and nephew.
They basically think they are God and treat everyone like dirt and go do whatever they want (sex, drinking, drugs, etc.)
However, I am one to believe that if the behavior is condoned and not stopped, it will worsen and continue.
I don't want to sound to blunt or rude, but raising kids is like training a dog (I really don't mean this in a mean way at all). They do something good - they are rewarded. They do something bad - reward revoked. Over time they learn that they WANT to have the rewards so they do good things to get them.
I believe you are the law of the land being the parent and that you should put your foot down in whatever way you can. I'm not saying to lock your daughter up in a tower, but let her know that you are the parent and you are serious when you establish rules and that when those rules are broken there are serious consequences. I also believe that while there should be rules, there shouldn't be so many that your child feels suffocated.
I would get the police involved if I were you if she just walks out like that. The world is very scary and she could end up raped and murdered. I also don't believe that 15 years old is too old to still get a spanking =)
Figure out what you're ok with her doing and not doing and what rewards she should have for doing certain things you want her to do and make a list and go from there.
And be careful of her friends. Oftentimes they are the source and egging on of bad behavior so I hope you are familiar with all of them and their background stories. ^_~
Good luck! Teenagers are certainly a handful to raise nowadays!
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Posted: Tue Oct 02, 2007 10:56 pm
yes thank you both so much for that advice, you both make a lot of good points and have given me much to think about. she actually said to me last night, ... mind your own business, you dont need to know everything i do....but i think i have the right to know where she is, and what she is doing and where she is staying. this behavior has only escalated over the last 6 mnths and i think her friends do have a lot to do with it, but there is a group of about 10 girls that seem to back each other up with everything. now her life revolves around them and im just an inconvenience to her and her plans. another thing, the police wont bring the kids back here, say she has a tantrum and goes to a friends, if i was to tell the police she ran away and where she is, they will just say, oh well then she is safe and can stay there if she wants. i was told by another parent the police found her and another girl drunk and passed out on a friends front yard and they just woke them and asked if they were ok then left them there, i was in shock when told as i thought the police would bring her home. i have been in touch with police and welfare but its like banging my head against a brick wall. i really need new strategies in dealing with this, she is basically a great girl, i love her of course, but we are so far apart at the moment, it upsets me so much.
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