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Distinct Conversationalist
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 Posted: Mon Oct 15, 2007 7:22 pm
So... We have Aeru, and he's trying to 'come out' to Vierad, who's about as gay as a tree full of monkies on nitrous oxide (extra points if you get that reference) and has been serving as Aeru's host for the past month or so. Hilarity (maybe) ensues.
I'd love criticism on... anything you can give me.
Aeru and Vierad seated themselves opposite one another, Aeru with every muscle tensed and on the edge of his chair. Vierad didn't even bother to properly seat himself before he sprang up, saying "Oh --," biting off the second word, and swiftly left the room without an explanation.
Aeru's first noticed that he found Vierad's habit of never actually swearing both endearing and slightly annoying. Immediately following that, the indignation that Vierad would just disappear like that hit him. Aeru considered getting up, going into the other room, and telling Vierad exactly what he thought, but something held him back.
"Um, Vierad?" Aeru asked. "What are you doing?"
"You're making this awkward. I need a drink," Vierad called from the next room.
That was not an answer Aeru wanted to hear. "I'm making this awkward? There's enough to deal with right now without your bloody alcoholism!"
"'Bloody?' What, would you rather have tea? I'm just trying to make this easier." He sounded vexed, and the something about it set Aeru's teeth on edge.
"Do you even know what I'm trying to talk to you about?" he shot back, just this side of shouting.
Vierad appeared suddenly in the doorway, unused glass held loosely in one hand. He didn't look nearly as angry as his voice had sounded.
"Yes, I have an idea. We may be underground, but no one lives in a vacuum. You're the prince. You were sentenced to death. Everyone knows why."
Aeru was caught somewhat off guard. "Then why did you act like you didn't have a clue?"
Vierad slouched into the room. He looked worn; maybe he was being sincere. He leaned on the back of the chair that he had so briefly occupied. "I was waiting for you to tell me."
"Why?" asked Aeru, mildly stunned.
In response, Vierad sighed, dropped the glass onto the seat of the chair, and launched himself across the intervening space until his face was no more than five inches from Aeru's, leaning on the arms of the chair. Aeru shrank away, the seams of his shirt and the chair’s upholstery pressing into his back. Everything that could knot itself into an aching ball had- guts, throat, muscles. If either of them was breathing, he wasn't aware of it. For a moment, he saw his own animal expression of pain and fear reflected in Vierad's eyes, then his host withdrew, turning his back.
"That's why," Vierad said finally.
Aeru didn't reply. He wanted to feel relieved, or angry, or even scared, but not like this. Not like he was trying to run on thin air.
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Posted: Mon Oct 15, 2007 10:52 pm
A'righty, let me give this whole "critique" thing a whirl.Kita-Ysabell Aeru and Vierad seated themselves opposite one another, Aeru with the nervous air of someone simultaneously attempting levitation and invisibility. Vierad didn't even bother to properly seat himself before he sprang up, saying "Oh, --," biting off the second word to avoid actually swearing, and swiftly leaving the room without an explaination.
Also, I don't think you need the second comma in "Oh, --,". And "leaving" should be changed to "left." The change of tense is strange, I know, but if you tagged on a "he" it should makes sense: "He swiftly left the room" as opposed to "He swiftly leaving the room."Kita-Ysabell Aeru's first reaction was to notice that he found Vierad's habit of speach both endearing and slightly annoying. The one immediately following that was indignation that Vierad would just disappear like that.
There's quite a bit of telling rather than showing going on here. I would suggest indicating his reaction through actions rather than (or in part, along with) what you have above. At this point you're just giving us a summary of what's going on in his head, but interior monologue has a tendency to show itself in a physical aspect as well, through sighs, frowns, double-takes, etc. It's your job to describe this to us.Quote: He sounded vexed, and the pretentousness of it set Aeru's teeth on edge. Quote: "Do you even know what I'm trying to talk to you about?" he nearly shouted. Quote: He looked worn, maybe sincere. Quote: He leaned on the back of the chair wich he had so briefly occupied. Kita-Ysabell Although he made no contact, Aeru found that being this close to someone hurt. Everything that could knot itself into an aching ball- guts, throat, muscles- had. If either of them was breathing, he wasn't aware of it. For a moment, he saw his own animal expression of pain and fear reflected in Vierad's eyes, then his host withdrew, turning his back. Quote: Aeru didn't say a word. He wanted to feel relieved, or angry, or scared even, but not like this. Not like a cartoon character trying to run on thin air.
The cartoon analogy doesn't really do much for me in this context. I think you're trying to express a feeling of having the rug pulled out from under you, but I'm not really sure. The paragraph stops making sense to me after "but not like this." Perhaps you could try to be more specific as to precisely how Aeru is feeling?
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Distinct Conversationalist
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Posted: Tue Oct 16, 2007 1:25 pm
Thanks! I really appreciate the detail.
My apologies for not sticking it through Word before it was posted. It's been there now- as well as having some other revisions.
Just for clarification what I'm trying for (and probably failing at) is a 3rd person that's pretty much a way to do 1st without the 'I' narration. Here, it's very slightly more than what Aeru would observe or think, complete with incorrect observations about their own feelings, but with the general lack of observation about surroundings toned down- for example, he probably wasn't paying much attention to the glass, but I stuck that in anyways. I do this because true first person narration just bugs me, but I like being inside a character's head. So there ya have it.
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Posted: Sat Oct 20, 2007 8:55 pm
All righty, my turn! For starters, I have to say that I enjoyed this excerpt. Please let us know when you're done so we can read the whole thing. Quote: ...biting off the second word to, This sounds awkward. I suggest deleting the word to so it reads, "...biting off the second word." Yes, I would start a new sentence here. The sentence is already long, and the part after that is a new action, so it feels like a run-on sentence to me. As Raincrow already said, the new sentence could read something like, "He sprang up and left the room without further explanation." Quote: Immediately following that... Add a comma here. Commas make the reader pause, and it's appropriate after a beginning prepositional phrase. Quote: ...somewhat unwilling to get up and face his host. That's vauge. I'ld like more clarification on his feelings here. If he actually makes an effort or thinks about confronting Vierad, let's see that. That way we know more about why he's uncomfortable here. Quote: "You're making this awkward. I need a drink,"... Try "You're making this awkward, and I need a drink." It's closer to how somebody would talk, especially if they're trying to make somebody else more comfortable. Unless, of course, Vierad is always that formal, and you have a good reason for making him talk that way. Around people we know, we tend to be much more lax in our speech patterns. Quote: I'm just trying to make this easier. Now, here it appears from the next section that Vierad shouted this or at least said it snappily. That means it needs an exclamation point. Emotions are the blood of a story, so it's okay to use the exclamations once in awhile, as long as you don't let them get out of hand. Quote: You were sentenced to death. Everyone knows why. I think it would flow smoother if this read "you were sentenced to death, and everyone (or everybody) knows why." These are two short, related sentences. Three short sentences in a row breaks up the immersion factor a bit, so a slightly longer sentence will keep the reader entranced, plus it sounds nicer to me. Quote: ...somewhat caught off guard. There's that "somewhat" creeping in there again! Quote: "I was waiting for you to tell me." I would add "he said softly." to this sentence since Vierad is changing his tone of voice. Plus, it neatly seuges into the next section. Disclaimer:Charlie is not a professional writer. If you choose to follow Charlie's advice, you do so at your own risk. Charlie is not responsible for the improvement or worsening of your story after you follow his advice. Charlie does not expect that you will change everything he's pointed out. He merely expects that you will consider the reason why he felt it was neccesary to tell you about that item. If you have any questions about why Charlie pointed something out, feel free to contact him, and he will attempt to explain it to you better. Charlie hopes this critique helped you. If it didn't, please do not blame Charlie. He did the best he could. This critique is copyright Charlie, and may not be reproduced for commercial purposes without his consent. Have a nice day. blaugh 3nodding xp
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Posted: Sat Oct 20, 2007 9:24 pm
I disagree with Charlie's use of "and" to join sentences within dialogue. Sometimes statements like the ones he suggests changing need the longer pause denoted by a period. I say you should keep "You're making this awkward. I need a drink" and "You were sentenced to death. Everyone knows why" the way they are.
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Posted: Sun Oct 21, 2007 4:54 am
This is not a big critique issue. It's just that how this sentance reads is annoying me. Kita-Ysabell Everything that could knot itself into an aching ball- guts, throat, muscles- had. I think it reads better as "Everything that could knot itself into an aching ball had - guts, throat, muscles" and maybe string "everything" on the end there. I'll note that this is just my personal opinion, because I tend to write a lot of sticky sentances and then angst about how they read for hours. I think the thing is, when you have a sticky sentance, it jerks the reader out of the suspended belief for a few moments to work out how to read it... Yeah. My opinion. Not important critique.
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Distinct Conversationalist
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Posted: Sun Oct 21, 2007 1:30 pm
I've revised it again. Not major changes, mostly. Vierad's sentences are staying choppy, because that's just the way he talks. He's not being formal... he just has a grudge against complex sentence structures or something.
Thanks for the input! This will probably never be finished, as the whole 'World Unseen' plot is mostly an indulgence and a writing excercise (when I get good enough I'll attempt 'Renewal') but I'll consider posting what I do online. I wasn't going to, but what the hell.
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