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 Posted: Wed Oct 24, 2007 8:49 pm
Something I started hacking away at last night. It's been AGES since I've tried to write anything than a quickie-excerpt, and it's starting to feel like I'm losing track of Yukio.
Now, I'm tempted to say that might not be a bad thing, given that he scores a solid 38 on the Mary-Sue Litmus Test (Zarr gets a 2, wtf xd ), but given how long I've had him, I'd rather rehash than scrap.
But his name pursues me still. Ah well.
Anyway, this started as a random scene with Yukio in the hopes that it would go somewhere, and it seems to be turning into the very beginning of Lunaries' story.
Read: Zarr goes crazy and turns all ******** McSTD, Yukio also goes crazy and turns into Stabby McVivisection. Meanwhile Lunaries is forced to tolerate both of them.
But that's awhile down the road. XD
What I have so far will begin in the next post. :C Please let me know if my being out of practice has caused overwhelming levels of suck, thank you. XD
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Posted: Wed Oct 24, 2007 9:16 pm
An intruding breeze gasped through the small area where the window had drifted a few inches up and away from the sill. Exploring the room, it scattered papers, sweeping them off of the heavy desk on which they lay and drawing them into a brief, swirling dance. Letting them fall once more, it moved on and circled a tall, seated figure who was dominating a high-backed leather chair that had seen better days. The gust ruffled the pages of the book he was reading with his head bent just slightly, then caressed his pale cheek, drawing a shiver from him before dying out softly.
He looked up, a hand thoughtlessly reaching up and sweeping his dark hair back over his shoulders as his eyes focused on the window that had let his visitor inside. A quick, half-formed idea glanced through his mind, a comment almost making it to his lips before it faded. Shaking his head, he set the book down then stood and crossed the room, walking over the dishievelled papers with bare feet, indifferent to their situation. He reached out, long fingers taking the windowpane and pulling it to meet the sill, then locking it this time. "Keep that from happening again..." he said quietly to himself before returning to his chair and taking his book as he sat down once more.
The man opened to the page he'd been reading, but barely had he settled in when he felt something brush his cheek again, sending a entirely different sort of shiver over his body.
"What's there?" he asked sharply, looking up, fingers tightening around his book. His eyes darted over the room as a chill worked its way through him -- it had been nothing most likely, but still he frowned, deeply concerned by the nagging feeling that something far worse than overactive imagination was at work. He stood from his chair once again, and very slowly crossed to the window. It was still locked of course, so he turned the bolt and opened it once again.
He narrowed his eyes and stared out into the twilight. The breeze was still blowing over the landscape, trees and grass bowing gracefully under its touch. Everything seemed as normal as one would expect, but he still couldn't shake the feeling of something unpleasant about the happen.
The only door to the study suddenly slammed open, and he spun around to see a short, redheaded man full-out sprinting towards him. "My lord!" he declared, his voice strained from the effort of running and a bit of poorly-concealed panic, "There is something very strange going on! There have been reports--"
He reached the area of the study where the papers were strewn over the floor, his foot slipping overneath a sheet that was wrinkled and poking upwards. The taller man watched in blatant surprise as the paper simply did not give way at all for the other man's foot -- there was a sharp thud as the redhead crashed to the ground with a shriek of pain, same as if he'd tripped over a perfectly solid object. The one left standing moved swiftly to help him, gasping out the expected question, "What is this?!"
The smaller man rubbed his foot to satisfy himself that his toes weren't broken, wincing slightly, then looked back at the papers which were still lying in the same position they'd been before his fall. "My god...it's true, Yukio."
"What's true?" he asked, not quite understanding what this was or how it was possible. "Did those...or...did they not..."
The other, Zarr, made no attempt to stand, but instead looked around the room as though suddenly terrified of it. "The world is freezing..." he said softly, "Only us humans - and the clothes on our backs - are being left untouched. We can't...we can't move anything...not a thing..."
Yukio sensed the beginning of hysteria in his friend, so he reached to help him to his feet, voice adopting the soothing tones he'd become accustomed to using whenever Zarr was in a panic. "But how is this possible?"
Zarr shrieked, slapping away his hands. "Don't move!" he screamed, "People have died tonight, it's gone insane, almost everything can kill you!" He breathed hard for several moments, then focused his eyes on Yukio. "Walking on grass...it will cut your feet, like nails...I don't know how this has happened, but we're totally helpless now...you'll see soon enough..."
Cries from within the castle were beginning to filter up to the study, cries of panic accompanied by repeated slamming, crashing noises. "Doors..." Zarr supplied, and Yukio noticed that his body was beginning to go limp, eyelids fluttering, "...they can't open them...no one can...we're trapped. Entirely..."
Yukio reached out to keep him from hitting his head on the floor as Zarr fainted, overcome by the fear and shock of what was going on.
How could everything just stop moving? It was impossible! With the screams of confusion from the other inhabitants of the castle echoing, he set Zarr down carefully and headed towards the window he'd left open. It was twilight still, and the trees were bent as they'd been when the wind had been blowing. Yukio stared openly, trying to make some sense of the surreal sight. He scowled, and raised his hands, trying to pull the window closed. As Zarr had said, it didn't move at all. He struggled with it for awhile, then finally pulled his hand back in a fist, preparing to slam it through the glass.
"Don't do it--" a feeble cry reached him, too late. He put most of his muscle behind the swing, and there was a very loud crack -- followed by a scream of pain and string of cursing. Zarr was by his side in a moment, prying the fist away from where Yukio held it clenched tight against his chest. The knuckles were already turning dark shades of blue and purple, and Yukio yelped as the redhead pulled his palm open.
"I don't think you broke it," he judged, "which is damned lucky. Should have believed ******** ridiculous..." Yukio growled, glaring at the still undamaged window. "How is this possible?"
Zarr shook his head, "I have no idea...it just happened. I don't know if it's a spell, and honestly, I don't think it is."
Yukio looked outside again, still hearing the crashing from within the castle. "What about all those people?"
"I don't know," Zarr said, pausing to listen, "If nobody can open the doors, then I suppose they'll all starve. Us too, eventually, unless someone left windows open--" he looked towards the one the taller man had been fighting with, "--closer to ground level."
Yukio groaned. Things had gone to hell in no time at all, and quite literally -- he could sense that the sun had still refused to move a single inch, and the sky was still twilight-colored. "Even if a window is open, we'll die," he concluded dismally. "If we honestly can't do anything, how will we get food?"
"Maybe we can find a place that isn't affected!" Zarr suggested hopefully. "If it's a spell, then it could be just the capitol and surrounding cities...a trick, maybe?"
"The sun, Zarr," Yukio replied with a sigh, "It can't be."
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Posted: Mon Oct 29, 2007 10:34 pm
It sounds pretty good to me, keep going with it. It compelled me to keep reading, and I ran out of material blaugh
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Posted: Tue Oct 30, 2007 8:40 pm
Section Two:
Containing Pretentious Dialogue, Bloody Fistfights, and a Stalkerly Maid Who Will Probably Be Killed Off by Chapter Two.
Zarr sighed and glanced towards the window. "Maybe something will happen...maybe things will start up again."
"Maybe," Yukio replied, without much hope, "Let's see if we can get out of the castle, though."
He reached out again to help Zarr back up, and the redhead hesitated, then finally accepted the assistance. "Fine, but go carefully...watch your step."
They made their way out of the study and to the stairs. As they reached lower levels, they were forced to walk by closed-off rooms on the way downward. Both kept their eyes fixed to the ground, trying to ignore the pleas for help they heard coming from inside. Zarr trembled almost constantly, leaving it to Yukio to figure out where they were going and find alternate routes when their way was blocked. Occasionally, they'd run into another person wandering the halls in confusion, and these people would sometimes join the pair's silent march.
It was Zarr who first spoke, "The..the outside doors...would be closed..."
"Yes," Yukio answered solemnly, "We'll have to find a window, like you said."
One of the members of their group, a particularly young-looking maid, began crying at the comment. Silence fell again, with the exception of her sobs. No one moved to comfort her, each feeling that they had more than enough problems of their own now.
They reached the bottom floor without anymore talking, and spread out to search for an open window, an eerie sense of calm sweeping over the group. Zarr left Yukio's side, but the maid kept very close to him, sniffling as she followed right on his heels. The dark-haired man was tempted to silence her rather coldly, but chose not to speak.
"My king..." she spoke up quietly after awhile, her tone meek and terrified, "what is going on? Is it true that we're all going to die?"
He sighed, continuing his search. "If you panic, then yes, you'll certainly die," he replied, "Stay calm and you'll have as much of a chance to live as I do." Forgetting the specifics of their situation, he then turned and attempted to open a door to a side room, with no luck. He frowned at the resisting door handle and thught to himself that there wasn't much chance for any of them, really.
However, it seemed that he had reassured the maid, as she managed a weak smile, reaching out and giving Yukio's arm a brief squeeze -- something she'd never dare to do in any other situation.
It wasn't long before the group met up again, hopeful expressions fading as soon as each person caught the same look on another's face. "So we're trapped..." Zarr gasped weakly, and to Yukio's irritation, the maid began crying again, burying her face into his back.
"We've got nothing to do then but wait and see if any change happens," Yukio judged, everyone glancing towards him. A few faces turned angry at the apparent nonchalance of his tone.
"Wait?" a man parroted back at him, "are you the king or aren't you?"
"It's your job to save us!" another joined in, expression twisting into indignance. "You want us to wait quietly for death?"
"I am trapped as well, thank you," Yukio snapped back at them, diplomacy disappearing quickly under the stress he'd been trying to hold back. "If you're waiting for death, then so am I!"
"With your assistant here," the first man growled, "You've probably got a way out, and you're waiting until no one's looking..."
Zarr's face reddened. "Bullshit!" he shrieked, lunging to get between the men and Yukio. "All of us are equally damned, now go and sit down before I decide to have you both arrested once this is over!"
The first man moved quickly, striking Zarr across the face with the back of his hand. Zarr squealed indignantly, and didn't even have a chance to recover as Yukio shoved him roughly out of the way and stepped right up to the aggressor. "This is no time for--"
A first collided with his nose mid-sentence -- he staggered and the maid screamed. Zarr righted himself and hurried back towards the angry man, only to be stopped as Yukio stretched a hand out to stop him, the other clasped to his bleeding face. "Insanity won't help us," Yukio spoke, voice muffled, "Back down, or--"
The man swung again, but Yukio dodged this time, throwing a punch of his own at the man's stomach. From that point, the fight became a full-out grapple until the horrified onlookers moved to separate the two men.
"b*****d king! Lying son of a b***h! Murderer!" the first howled as he was dragged back, away from the fight. Yukio snarled in reply, straining against the people who held him back as well. Both were bloody and bruised, even from such a brief battle.
Zarr moved to tend to Yukio, and the other man found a few hesitant supporters within the group. Still maddened from the attack, the king barked at them, "I'll see you all executed for this!" Insults and derision were the reply he received. He didn't answer them again, but instead turned his eyes to glare hotly at the closed main doors of the castle.
Zarr checked him over for serious injuries as the maid, face still stained with tears, stood looking at him. Gently, she reached up and wiped at the blood that was beginning to dry under his nose. "I know it's not like he says," she whispered, briefly attracting a confused glance from Yukio.
"You're rather bold," he commented dryly, not quiet sure how he felt about this sudden attention from a maid he'd never even seen before today. Still, he supposed it didn't really matter if they were all going to die -- not that this was particularly welcome.
"I suppose someone like me needs to believe in someone like you," she replied, a blush sweeping over her face. She seemed to catch the sense that she's crossed a line, and so scurried away from Yukio quickly, moving towards the edges of the group.
"She's damned weird, Zarr," Yukio groaned, closing his eyes.
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Distinct Conversationalist
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Posted: Thu Nov 29, 2007 10:13 pm
May I start by saying the pseudonym "******** McSTD" is made of win? Because it is.
I feel really out of my depth critiquing this- it doesn't have anything obvoiusly wrong with it, and I'm a bit out of practice with critique. I do find the idea of a punishment without chance of redemption profoundly disturbing, but... that doesn't mean I wouldn't read it.
The personification of the wind and the chill and whatnot in the very begining seem a bit awkward, as if they're all linked somehow.
And while I know it's a castle, I don't know what kind of castle. I would appreciate some more descriptive details about the setting. And for that matter, the characters. Especially relating to bone structure (for some reason...) and coloring of major characters.
I hope that helps.
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Posted: Fri Nov 30, 2007 8:43 am
It actually gets a lot more into description in the next block of the story, because they're basically stuck downstairs for the next few days with nothing to do but starve and go totally crazy. xd
And I decided to use it to break up the monotony, especially since they have a LOT of time to get to know each other and their surroundings. XD
The next block probably even drags on TOO long, because I'm trying to figure out how to introduce their rescuers without having it be all, "HI WE'RE SAVING YOU~" xd
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