When Nymphadora Tonks's best friend, and Remus's year-younger sister, supposedly kills herself, the tragic event sends emotions, friendships, and relationships spiraling into what only someone who has truly experienced the loss of a friend can understand. Tonks is a hated shape-shifter. Remus and James blame Tonks for Carol Ann's suicide. Sirius doesn't know Tonks is his cousin. Carol Ann misses her life among the living.
“Carol Ann, please don’t do this!”
“Let me go Tonks!”
Remus Lupin awoke with a start, having been halfway between sleep and waking only minutes previously. He sat up quickly, as if he knew what was going to happen in the next several minutes if he didn’t get down there. He yanked open the hangings around his bed as he pulled a shirt on.
“Padfoot, Prongs, wake up!” he said sharply. The sounds of his friends sleepily awakening upset him; surely they could sense his urgency? “I said get up, now!”
“What’s wrong Moony?” Prongs asked groggily from Remus’s right side.
“Your rabbit get away again?” Padfoot asked with a tired snigger. Both boys silenced upon opening their own hangings and seeing Remus’s distress.
“It’s Carol Ann, I think she’s going to do it,” Remus said shakily. “I heard another girl screaming for her not to do it. I’m pretty sure they were by the lake.” Sirius Black and James Potter nodded quickly and pulled on their own shirts. Peter Pettigrew was at his parents’ house for the holidays; while Remus had stayed to be with James and Sirius (James’s parents had passed away over summer). The three boys (or were they men?) quickly descended the stairs, not bothering with James’s invisibility cloak in their urgency.
“One of us should get McGonagall, and maybe Pomfrey to be safe,” Sirius suggested with a pale face. James and Sirius immediately left Remus by himself. This was a family matter.
Remus opened the main doors to the castle so forcefully they slammed against the stone walls, possibly waking several students and teachers in the process, but he didn’t care. He was running as fast as he could toward to two feminine figures beside the lake. They seemed to be fighting one another, the smaller of the two’s hair violently changing colors in the struggle.
“Carol Ann, please, I need you, you’re my best friend!” the girl cried as her hair turned a luminescent blue. Carol Ann was fighting her so hard she fell to the ground. Even from the distance Remus knew to keep, he could see his little sister crying.
“You don’t understand what I’m going through,” Carol Ann cried to her friend, kneeling in the snow so the girls were at eye-level. “I can’t stand living like this any longer; I can't do this Tonks!”
“You fit in with me Carol Ann! In case you’ve forgotten, I don’t fit in either! As long as we stick together you and I will be fine!” the other girl argued with sobs in her voice. “Please Carol Ann, please listen to me! You don’t need to resort to this; you just need to talk to your family about it!”
“But I can’t, I can’t talk to anyone! Please understand Tonks, I’m not doing this to hurt you. I’m doing this to save myself,” Carol Ann protested, pulling her friend into a fiercely tight hug. “Besides, since when have you ever told your parents about your problems?” Carol Ann’s friend gave a watery chuckle of irony.
“You’re the only person I can talk to Carol Ann,” she murmured, “my parents don’t really care.” For a few moments Remus allowed himself to relax, thinking that this Tonks girl had talked Carol Ann out of it. Then he saw his sister draw her wand from an unseen pocket.
“I’m so sorry Tonks, but I…I just can’t take it anymore,” Carol Ann whispered as she placed the wand tip to her head. Remus lunged forward as she choked out “Avada Kedavra!” The Tonks girl screamed as her friend went limp in her arms and Remus collided with her in a frantic attempt to stop his sister’s self-mutilation.
“CAROL ANN!” he screamed in terror, hoping that somehow she would hear his voice and blink her eyes at him in annoyance, as she always did when he woke her up. Now, as the Tonks girl attempted to get as far away from her best friend’s lifeless body, Remus knew she would never wake to see the sun shine on her beautiful face again.
As if it would make some difference, Remus reached out for her face, but couldn’t bring himself to touch her. With unblinking eyes she resembled a china doll, priceless and fragile. If he touched her, she would surely break under the werewolf’s hand.
“Carol Ann…please wake up Carol Ann…” Remus whispered, tears streaming down his face. The Tonks girl was still crying hysterically, in too much shock to move another muscle. Sirius and James were now running down the front steps to the castle with McGonagall and Pomfrey and several students at their heels. The students knew too well what the crumpled form at the lake’s edge was, and stayed by the doors but watched nonetheless.
Madam Pomfrey and Professor McGonagall passed the Tonks girl like she was a ghost and knelt beside the fallen student and her brother. Madam Pomfrey immediately began checking if anything could be done, but only for Remus, his parents’, and their other daughters’ sakes. She already knew it was too late, but had taught herself to check so she could say ‘I did everything I could.’
“Remus…I am so sorry,” she said quietly. Remus began to sob into his hands, his friends getting teary-eyed beside him. Remus shook his head and shouted that it couldn’t be true, that Carol Ann wouldn’t kill herself without a good logical reason. This world wasn’t logical to him anymore, how could it be when his sister purposefully ended her own life?
McGonagall wiped her eyes on the sleeve of her dressing gown before addressing the students behind her. “Everyone, please go back to your dormitories. As you can plainly see there has been a terrible accident, and we do not need any more witnesses to this tragic affair.” The students began to head back into the castle, one among them a thin crying girl with mousey brown hair.
Number 10 of the things I left behind: a wonderful friend who only wanted what was best for me.
As Nymphadora Tonks headed up the stairs to her dorm in Ravenclaw Tower, she could not stop shaking. People gave her condescending looks and bumped into her shoulder. She never figured out why people hated her so much, but they did nonetheless. Perhaps it was because she was a shape-shifter, and no one trusted anyone who was different. With a new Dark Lord rising, who wouldn’t be afraid of a supposed Dark Creature?
“Look at the freak, trying to fit in,” a popular girl said, not bothering to keep her voice down. “She probably scared poor Carol Ann into killing herself in the first place.” Tonks lost control. She lunged at the girl, hitting every inch of her she could reach. “STOP! STOP! HELP! THERE’S A DARK CREATURE ATTACKING ME!”
Tiny Professor Flitwick came huffing and puffing into the tower, thinking there was truly a Dark Creature in the common room. When he saw Tonks attacking the girl, he merely waved his wand and they were magically separated, though not for the sake of trying. The Tonks girl kept struggling against the barrier, trying to get back to Valerie Springs.
“Take it back!” she shouted, clawing at her favorite professor’s shield charm so much her fingers began to bleed. “TAKE IT BACK BEFORE I KILL YOU!” The other Ravenclaws had gathered in the common room by now, watching the fight.
“Miss Tonks how could you threaten a fellow student in such a way?” Flitwick asked outrageously. Tonks began to struggle against the shield more than ever. “Would someone escort her to the hospital wing? I think tonight’s events have been too hard on her.” Finally two large seventh years grabbed her by the arms and had to drag her away from Valerie.
“I wouldn’t be surprised if you had committed murder Tonks, or at least threatened to. No wonder poor Carol Ann was so distant before she died,” Valerie said, looking down her nose at Tonks. In a blind rage, Tonks broke free of the two seventh years and stood nose to…chin…with Valerie Springs.
“I want you to shove this into your pretty blonde head and keep it there,” she said in a coldly level voice. “I would never, ever, dream of laying a harmful hand on my friend. You, however, have every reason to worry.” She brushed off the short Professor and ran up to her dorm, closing her hangings and remaining silent and awake long into the next day. She was afraid of sleep, not knowing what sort of horrific visions sleep would bring her.
It was true, that Carol Ann Lupin had changed in the weeks before she killed herself. She had withdrawn into herself more and more. She had always been shy and quiet, hardly ever talking to her peers, but Tonks’s colorful look on life had soon changed that, even when they both were bullied. In the last several weeks, Carol Ann had grown into what some believed to be a vow of silence. She wouldn’t even talk to her own brother, and only communicating very little with Tonks when absolutely necessary. Then, so suddenly, right out of the blue…
It seemed that only Tonks and Carol Ann’s older brother Remus saw the signs. They were the only ones that understood her truly, and even Remus had a hard time understanding it. Now, Carol Ann was dead, and no one could bring her back. Tonks wept in her empty dorm for hours on end. She ended up dehydrating herself and walking wearily to the hospital wing at noon the next day, only to find Carol Ann’s body lying in one of the beds. Tonks threw up whatever was in her stomach at the time, unable to bear the though of losing her best friend forever.
“Oh Merlin, not again,” Madam Pomfrey said wearily as she lead Tonks to a bed. “And what’s wrong with you? Who's hurt you now?” Tonks looked over at Carol Ann’s bed again to see her parents sitting beside her, stroking her hand and hair and dress. Mrs. Lupin looked up and met her directly in the eyes.
“D-dehydrated,” Tonks choked out as she began crying again. She nearly heaved back the potion Madam Pomfrey gave her, and was told to stay in bed the rest of the day. Tonks curled up on her side, facing away from Carol Ann’s body. After what felt like days but was really only a few hours, she could hear Madam Pomfrey asking the Lupins if Tonks was a friend of Carol Ann’s. They didn’t know, they said Carol Ann rarely spoke for friends at school.
“Tonks dear, were you a friend of Carol Ann’s?” Madam Pomfrey finally made herself ask Tonks, trying to find out how she dehydrated herself in the middle of winter. Tonks began shaking and crying, unable to control herself.
“I t-t-tried to stop her, p-please b-believe me,” she sobbed out, turning to face the Lupins. Remus, seated with his parents and two elder sisters, stood up to get a better look at her.
“Then why didn’t you try harder?” he asked in a cold voice. “You could have stopped her; Carol Ann would have listened to you if you’re her friend. Why didn’t you try harder?” His voice had begun steadily rising. Tonks pushed herself to her feet and began to walk to the hospital wing doors quickly before Madam Pomfrey stopped her.
“Miss Tonks, you’ve been through a great ordeal, and you need to go see the Headmaster for counseling!” she said sternly. Tonks pushed away the hand that grasped her shoulder, becoming angry with the nurse.
“I don’t need f***ing counseling, I need my best friend back!” she shouted tearfully. She threw the hospital wing doors open to see James Potter and Sirius Black about to enter. They looked patronizingly at her. She wanted to scream at them, she was so hurt and angry. Hurt that Carol Ann couldn’t trust her best friend with her problems, angry that Remus Lupin thought that she didn’t try hard enough. Couldn’t he spare a moment to think that maybe she did everything she could think of under pressure?
“What’s her problem?” James asked rudely as they entered the hospital wing. He and Sirius quieted upon seeing the Lupins gathered over their broken daughter. They hugged each of them tightly, expressing their sorrow for the family’s loss. Mrs. Lupin broke into fresh tears as Sirius embraced her.
“My baby girl…my sweet baby girl…she was going to go so far…” she cried into the young man’s shoulder. He looked only slightly panicked as he patted her back awkwardly, until John Lupin finally took over for him.
“What can we do for you mate?” James asked Remus gently, who was hiding his face in his hands between his two elder sisters, Lucy and Rose. He lifted his tear-streaked face to look at them.
“That girl who just left…I don’t want her around Carol Ann’s body,” he said shakily.
“Remus that isn’t fair,” his father said sharply. “That girl was apparently Carol Ann’s best friend. It wouldn’t be fair to her or your sister’s memory. Is that what you want?”
“She’s a shape-shifter, she can’t be trusted in a world with a new Dark Lord rising,” Remus said coldly. “She’s the reason Carol Ann killed herself, why can’t you see that?” John looked like he wanted to hit his son.
“Remus, in case you’ve forgotten, you’re a shape-shifter as well and your friends trust you,” John pointed out to Remus, who hung his head. Tears fell onto his lap.
“I’ll take care of it mate,” Sirius whispered so no one but Remus could hear. Not even James noticed he was so busy trying to get Lucy to talk. Sirius gave the family one last condolence before leaving the hospital wing. He walked determinedly up to the Ravenclaw Tower.
What is the sound of one hand clapping? The eagle's beak asked Sirius before admitting him.
"Um…this?" Sirius asked, flipping his hand so hard his fingers hit the heel of his hand and made a clapping noise.
Wow…excellent job, the eagle said, letting Sirius into the Common Room. Sirius entered as casually as if he were truly a Ravenclaw. The few girls who had stayed behind for holiday looked at him hopefully, but Sirius brushed them off. He put a foot on the staircase leading to the girls’ rooms and it instantly turned to a slide. He gripped his hands around the railings that had been put there after Carol Ann’s first year. Apparently the boys liked to mess with one of the girls and make the stairs change when she was climbing on them. She was so clumsy she always fell. Sirius applauded the boys who thought of it.
He stopped at the door that read ‘Sixth Years’ on the window and burst in so suddenly the lone girl sitting on her bed jumped up. The odd thing was it looked like Carol Ann’s name had been forming in her lips before her face fell. There were tear stains on her face.
“Listen up, you,” he said sharply as the girl dropped back onto her bed, “I want you to stay away from the Lupins, especially Carol Ann’s funeral. Those poor people don’t need any more anguish in their lives; they’ve got enough on their plate as it is without the cause of their daughter’s death hanging around.”
“What, you mean Carol Ann’s brother being a werewolf?” the girl asked so sharply Sirius jumped. He mouthed wordlessly, not knowing she knew. “Carol Ann told me in our third year, and swore me to secrecy.”
“Have you kept your promise?” Sirius asked suspiciously.
“Of course, why would I go back on a best friend’s request?” she shot back defensively. She crossed her thin arms over her stomach, a muscle twitching in her jaw. They glared daggers at each other for what felt like hours before the girl finally wilted like a dead flower. She muttered something unintelligible.
“Pardon?” Sirius asked rudely, planting himself firmly into a desk chair. Tonks stiffened horribly.
“Get up,” she said, now perfectly clearly. “Get out of her chair!” She launched herself off of her bed and yanked Sirius up by the shoulder.
“Merlin, what did I do?” Sirius asked, now thoroughly miffed.
“That was Carol Ann’s chair, you inconsiderate b*****d!” she dissolved into tears as she shouted at him. Now it was Sirius’s turn to stiffen, uncomfortable around this stranger’s tears. He checked the bed beside hers to be sure it wasn’t Carol Ann’s, and sat upon realizing it wasn’t. Tonks leaned her forehead against her bedpost, her dull mousey hair hiding her eyes.
“Listen…I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t know it was Carol Ann’s chair,” Sirius said after a few moments. The girl took a deep breath to steady herself and took her head away from the bedpost, dropping onto her bed again. “What was it you said before?” The girl sniffed and wiped her eyes on her sleeve before looking up at him.
“I said…I said that for a…for a moment…” she sobbed slightly, “…I thought you were Carol Ann.”
