If you're a half-normal human, however, read on, I promise you'll laugh (at least once.)
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Mighty Music Backstreet Rangers
By Razor Knight
First started: Somewhere around 2000. Finished rewriting on September 1st, 2004.
It was a cold winter day in Beatless Grove as five guys walked down a quite busy street, heading for their school. They were all cool, good looking, smart, athletic... Wait scratch that. Not all of them, that blonde guy was a real moron. Anyways, the five shared a secret. A secret that, for some reason, nobody else in Beatless Grove had ever figured out. I never said the average IQ in that city was high, now did I? Nevermind that, the point is, these five guys were none other than the five superheroes known as the Backstreet Rangers.
"They haven't attacked this week..." the brown-haired guy noted.
"Yeah... This looks way too quiet for me...." the blonde guy said.
"Wonder what those freaks are up to?" The shorter guy said.
"Nothing good, that's for sure," the first guy added.
"Hey maybe they've finally realized their ways are evil and their music suck, so they've surrendered and left!" the blonde said. The others rolled their eyes. Dream on, Nick.
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Meanwhile, in a dark cave elsewhere, known as the Negaver-- I mean, the Dark Popdom...
"Chrisite, have you figured out the way to beat those Rangers yet?" the young, dyed blonde woman sitting in the stone throne said as she looked at a shiny sphere floating in front of it.
Chrisite was a peroxide blonde woman dressed in a black military uniform, who was bowing at the other blonde. She stood up and said "Queen Spears, I have an excellent plan this time. I won't fail."
"That's what you said the last fifty-three times, Chrisite." Another peroxide blonde said from behind her. "You're not really that much of a fighter."
"Shut up, Mandyte, you're just a dirrty upstarter!" Chrisite snarled.
"Calm down you both... We don't need to fight each other..." A tall, grim, black-haired guy said, appearing from the shadows and striking a pose for no reason.
"What the hell are you doing here, Robinite?" Mandyte asked scowling. Moreso when the guy started dancing, again for no reason. Weirdo.
"I'm here to give you a real plan." Robinite snapped, without stopping his dancing.
"Robinite, dear, why are you wasting time talking to those witches?" A new figure said. This person was of undefined sex and looked like a pale, red-haired, disgusting vampire zombie. Even worse, the crowds in the Dark Popdom rumored she (he?) was even a vegetarian. Oh, the horror.
"Marylinte, you and Robinite will be in charge of this operation." Queen Spears said. "Jacksonix told me to let them try this time."
"Why can't I lead?" Chrisite asked dejectedly.
"You don't have what a girl needs to be a leader, Chris..." Marylinte said grinning. Robinite started doing a strip tease. (Do I really need to add "for no reason"?)
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Back to Beatless Grove. The blonde guy was dozing off on the table during lunch. The others were chatting amongst themselves, as lots of students crowded the schoolyard.
"What's up with the 'sleeping ugly'?" the guy with sunglasses asked.
"If it wasn't him, I would say he was studying all night long... But he's Nick, so..." the brown-haired guy noted.
"He probably was watching toons all night long, Brian..." the shorter guy said.
"That's probably it, Howie..." Brian replied.
"Guys, hate to say it, but we have some visitors..." the other guy said pointing at a crowd of ugly creatures that were crawling into the yard.
"Damnit... Fivetrons!" the brown-haired guy said.
"Wake up, Nick, we have to morph!" the other guy said shaking Nick violently.
"I don't wanna go to the concert, mom..." Nick muttered.
"WAKE UP YOU IDIOT!" the guy shouted.
"WAAAA! Huh? What the... Kevin, what's with the shouting man, I was dreaming about a triple platinum ya know...?"
"Spears is back!" Kevin said pointing at the Fivetrons.
"AAAAHHH! MONSTERS! Someone call the Backstreet Rangers!" Nick said as he run around flapping his arms.
"We're the Rangers, you idiot!" the guy with sunglasses said restraining from hitting Nick on the face.
"Oh... I forgot... Thanks, A.J...."
"Nevermind..." A.J. muttered. What an idiot.
"Time to duel!" Nick shouted and produced a pack of YGO cards.
"What the feck?" Brian muttered.
"Uhhh... Wrong show... Okay then!" Nick shouted again and produced a pink scepter. "Moon Prism Power..."
Brian sighed as A.J. grabbed Nick's scepter and knocked him to the ground with it. "Let's just morph already."
"Green RatZord Power!" Nick shouted calling upon his transformation.
"White TurtleZord Power!" Brian shouted.
"Blue KoalaZord Power!" Kevin shouted.
"Red EagleZord Power!" Howie said.
"Yellow LionZord Power!" A.J. said striking a few poses.
"Alright guys, let's beat them!" Blue Ranger said.
The Rangers faced the Fivetrons. The monsters were many, and armed with laser guns that could vaporize a wall of concrete in seconds. Still for some reason, the dumb spandex suits of the Rangers didn't suffer any damage when the beams hit them. That didn't stop them from screaming in pain and falling back amidst a series of huge explosions and sparks. Up to the date, scientists haven't been able to determinate why the impact of laser beams on spandex causes said explosions.
But, as usually happens in all sentai series, the good guys ended up recovering and giving the brainless robots a nasty beating. The Fivetrons fell to the ground in a heap and vanished faster than their fanbase after they split.
"Smells like children." Marylinte said materializing just in front of the Rangers and licking his/her lips.
"Quit playing games..." Blue Ranger said.
"All the beautiful people of this world will be my Queen's slaves!" Marylinte said and laughed evily.
"Everybody! Attack now!" Green shouted.
"Yeaaah!" the other Rangers shouted.
"Sonic Bow!" Red Ranger said and shot a sound arrow at Marylinte.
"Keep on dreaming, kid." Marylinte said and parried the attack with (his??/her??) bare hand. "Sweet dreams are made of this..." he/she/it said before sending a dark energy beam at the Rangers.
"Diamond Shield" White shouted. A shield materialized just in front of the five Rangers and the attack got deflected.
"You're the one, Brian!" Green said.
"Let's rock that creep!" Blue shouted.
"Rock is dead!" Marylinte snarled and launched several beams at the Rangers. They dodged out of the way, but for some reason, explosions and sparks shot from the ground where the Rangers had just being. "Grrr.... Okay, you asked for it... Let me invite a friend of mine... 'Nsyncoid, come forth!"
"Bye bye bye bye Rangers..." The 'Nsyncoid, an ugly cybernetic creature, said as he materialized in front of the Rangers. Damn was he ugly.
"This means trouble..." Green said.
"No duh..." Blue muttered.
Meawhile, three almost identical guys were watching the battle hiding behind the school building. Everyone else at the yard was out cold, but seemingly these three were so stupid their minds were unable to shut off. They already were.
"See Zack, I told you... Those five guys are actually the Backstreet Rangers!"
"Cool...." Zack said. "So what will we do, Taylor?"
"Let's watch the battle, then we'll sell the news to the local newspaper. Right Isaac?" Taylor said.
"Yeah, that sounds like a plan." the other guy, Isaac, said.
"Die Die die die die!" the 'Nsyncoid shouted with his awful voice as he shot several cd-like missiles at the Rangers.
"Enough! Electronet!" Blue shouted. A net shot from his hands and ensnared the 'Nsyncoid.
"Uh oh...." 'Nsyncoid said and gulped.
"Show us the meaning of being dead, trashbin." Green said, "Laser Sword!" a sword materialized on his hand and he sliced through the cyborg. The cyborg exploded in a massive blast, which somehow didn't affect the Rangers. And even stranger was, the cyborg was still intact after being cut in half and exploding.
"Robinite!" Marylinte shouted.
"Need help?" Robinite asked materializing in front of (him/her/it??) and started dancing.
"Those mean Rangers broke my zoid! WAAAAA!!" Marylinte wailed.
"Ok, ok... I'll fix him... 'Nysincoid, grow up!" Robinite shouted. "And get some real music while you're at it," he added in a whisper.
The 'Nsyncoid grew to a hundred feet-tall robot in a matter of seconds. "It's gotta be me!" it shouted and moved to the side. Unfortunately for the three guys watching the battle, the robot stepped just on them.
"OH MY GOD, THEY KILLED HANSON!" Green shouted.
"The Bastards..." Red muttered.
"You mean the evil guys or Hanson?" White asked.
"Same difference," Red said.
Blue shrugged "So what? One less copycat."
"Uhhh... Yeah, I guess you're right..." Green said, "Anyways, how will we beat that thing?"
"Call Zordonna and see if she has the new robots ready." Blue said.
Green nodded "Zordonna, we need the MusicZords now!"
Zordonna's voice came through the communicator "Good timing, Rangers. Aaron 5 just finished repairing them."
"He did?" White said dubiously. "I'm not so sure... That dwarf can't do a thing well..."
Green shrugged "Send them to the highschool STAT."
"Right." Zordona said and cut the link.
"What does STAT mean anways?" Red asked.
"I dunno, but it sounds cool," Green said. The others sighed in exhasperation.
"We need Zord Power now!" the five guys shouted in unison.
Five Zords appeared on the sky. A rat, a koala, a turtle, an eagle and a lion. Each Ranger got into his respective robot and looked at their new toys.
"Wow! Cable TV!" Green said as he entered the RatZord. He then sat down on the chair and started watching Yu-Gi-Oh. The dub. And he liked it. Hey I told you he was an idiot.
"Built-in Railgun! I love this zord already!" Blue shouted from the KoalaZord.
"Let's see.... Where's the manual?" White said from the TurtleZord.
"Why doesn't my Zord have sunglasses? This thing's got no class, man!" Yellow complained from the Lionzord.
"This thing has more controls than a 747!" Red yelled from the EagleZord. And just like in a 747, 90 percent of the controls were useless.
"Ok, let's combine the Zords!" Green said, breaking the golden rule that said whenever new robots are given to the good guys, they must try to fight the evil robot with them and get their asses kicked. Kids nowadays don't respect old good sentai rules, I tell you!
"Starting MusicZord sequence." White said. The TurtleZord formed the head and the body, while the others linked to it forming arms and legs.
"Wow!" Green said. "This robot rocks!"
"Actually, it pops," Red corrected.
"Whatever. Let's just beat that thing." White said.
"I'll blast you all around the world!" 'Nsyncoid said as he dashed towards the MusicZord.
"MegaPop Sword!" The Rangers all shouted from the MusicZoid. A huge blue shining sword formed on the Zord's hand. It then used the sword to cut through the 'Nysincoid.
"Baby Bye bye bye..." 'Nsyncoid said and exploded, oddly not damaging the school, the yard or any of the surrounding buildings (As it happens in all sentai series.)
The five Rangers got out of the Zord, and looked around. Oddly enough, the two evil generals were gone.
"Where's that Marylinte girl?" Blue muttered.
"Wasn't it a guy?" Green asked.
"Not in the dubbed version. It would look bad for little kids since he hangs around with Robinite and all..." White lectured.
"Ohh..." Green said "Okay."
In that moment, Queen Spears appeared floating in the sky right in front of them.
"Hello there Rangers... I'll beat you up, like everytime."
"I don't think so..." Blue said "Electronet!"
Queen Spears grabbed the net and then tossed it aside. "Hahaha... Hit me baby, one more time!"
"What the...?"
"I'm stronger than before... You cannot beat me! And the beating goes on!"
"They can't... But I can." Zordonna said materializing over the battlefield.
"Zordonna... But what are you doing here?" Green asked.
"Taking care of this low-class copycat." Zordonna said then turned back to Spears "Gimme your best shot, girl..."
"Watch out, Zordonna, I'm toxic. Britney Spears!" Queen Spears shouted and launched several energy spears at Zordonna.
"Oh please... That's what you call an attack? Ray of Light!"
The lightbeam blasted the spears out and hit Queen Spears out. She fell to the ground, groaning. "Darn it... I can get no satisfaction..." Spears muttered.
"Now it's time for you to die." Zordonna said.
"I don't think so... I love rock and roll! And teleportation," Spears said and vanished.
"Oops, she did it again..." Green said. Zordonna just shook her head and vanished, not wanting to listen to Green's idiocy.
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Back at Spears' cave...
"You had the Rangers, you should have killed them in the zone instead of gloating, Spears!" A shapeless shadow floating in front of the evil queen's throne said.
"I'm sorry, Jacksonix... Next time, I won't fail..."
"I know you won't..." Jacksonix said "If you fail, it will be too bad for you..."
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To be continued...
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So, what do you think so far? If you liked this, stay tuned for part two, where you get to meet the evil Lord M and Will Smithor... And new vehicles for the Rangers.
