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 Posted: Fri Aug 12, 2005 9:50 am
The giant world, full of life, now is deaf
All the many roars of day have been ceased.
You’re sitting alone, there’s only yourself
And your delirious, frenzied mind now eased.
Nothing familiar of the world is there
To distract your thoroughaly troubled mind.
Thoughts race wild as into darkness you stare.
What buried, lost secrets there will you find
In this unshatterable, lonesome void.
Where none unwelcome can ever enter.
As you try so desperately to avoid
That terrible dream in your dark center.
The horror fills you unleashing old tears.
You're alone- none can save you from your fears.
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Posted: Fri Aug 12, 2005 11:36 am
I like the theme that it has, but something seems rather off about it. I think it's the rhythm...
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Posted: Sat Aug 13, 2005 8:05 am
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Posted: Sat Aug 13, 2005 10:20 am
The rhythm was a bit off, but it had good imagery in it and was well written. A few words were misspelled and a period could have been added a couple of time, but other than that, it was very good. Keep up the good work!
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The Bookwyrm Vice Captain
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Posted: Sat Aug 13, 2005 12:23 pm
Definately try to work on your rhythm a little bit. If you're going for a formalized sonnet, you'd need 14 syllables per line (which is Shakesperian. That's the form you've used, so I'll make my suggestion based on that. wink ). You migh also consider revising your first stanza a little bit; "self" and "deaf don't rhyme, which my be what's thrown the rhythm off from the very beginning.
I think you're being a little too hard on yourself for saying that this sonnet stinks. You've got wonderful ideas, and express them beautifully! You just need to tweek your form a bit, is all.
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Posted: Sat Aug 13, 2005 1:18 pm
Gypsy Blue Definately try to work on your rhythm a little bit. If you're going for a formalized sonnet, you'd need 14 syllables per line (which is Shakesperian. That's the form you've used, so I'll make my suggestion based on that. wink ). You migh also consider revising your first stanza a little bit; "self" and "deaf don't rhyme, which my be what's thrown the rhythm off from the very beginning.
I think you're being a little too hard on yourself for saying that this sonnet stinks. You've got wonderful ideas, and express them beautifully! You just need to tweek your form a bit, is all. I agree with her about you saying it stinks. It has a really deep meaning to it. Plus it's my kind of poem. wink
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Posted: Sun Aug 14, 2005 7:20 am
Gypsy Blue Definately try to work on your rhythm a little bit. If you're going for a formalized sonnet, you'd need 14 syllables per line (which is Shakesperian. That's the form you've used, so I'll make my suggestion based on that. wink ). You migh also consider revising your first stanza a little bit; "self" and "deaf don't rhyme, which my be what's thrown the rhythm off from the very beginning.
I think you're being a little too hard on yourself for saying that this sonnet stinks. You've got wonderful ideas, and express them beautifully! You just need to tweek your form a bit, is all. thanks... hmmm my creative writin teacher said it was ten per line... oh well...
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Posted: Mon Aug 22, 2005 1:11 pm
This poem has great imagery and ideas, but the rhythm/rhyming could use a little work.
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Posted: Mon Aug 22, 2005 1:31 pm
Grita This poem has great imagery and ideas, but the rhythm/rhyming could use a little work. Exactly. <3
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