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Posted: Mon Dec 03, 2007 3:52 pm
Here you can write short stories or random pieces. Also you may comment on other works. Just keep the criticism friendly. I look forward to your review comments or other topic of interest upon this opening story.... Read On!
Note; I have never ever finished my other stories nor do I claim to be a 'inspiring' writer. However, I do try my best. This is just a short story fragment but tell me what you think. This is one of my earlier pieces that I have left in it's original state. All my other storied I re-read them, and change them. That's where my mistakes begin because i never finish that piece. Hopefully you'll like this one.
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Posted: Mon Dec 03, 2007 4:00 pm
A [D]rifters [D]ream; From Ones Own Longing Heart to another... hear my song.
~*~On that other side.~*~ BY; "Lady Ella" A.k.a.- Dark Priestess Ella
One fine day a lady dressed in all her finest; I'm talking fur, diamonds, and all her gold pieces with studded heels, walked clear into the dark bar. She spoke with out a hint of fear at her on lookers. "Hey there Bartender, what would you say is deaths deadliest poison?" The bar seemed ever so still at this very moment.
The to her left spit out what ever trash he was drinking and spun out the door, quick. The guy on her right downed his drink and the other peoples shots of Whiskey at the table. From the look of his face, he cared not about the after burn. He took his beady-eyed self on over to the next guy sitting at another table and down his drink too. The Bartender wheeled around cocking the toothpick to the side of his scruffy mouth and said, "Well there little lady. I reckon there ain't enough life in you to get the first ounce down." His voice also as rough held seriousness that other couldn't grasp.
She only smiled laying down her wide stack of bills before him. The Bartender Stretched an eyebrow, but reached under the counter for a dusty bottle and poured her a shot. Placing it in her hand, he had given her Absinthe, the greenest and vilest poison known to man in liquor form. "No." She sighed in correction of his joke as her smile held. "No not life Sir. but death might!" Her eyes gleamed in wild suspicion as the whole bar watched her down the shot then the bottle.
She sat for a moment savoring the taste before her eye's gleam hid it's self in shadows. A few hours passed by as she spoke not a word, nor did anyone else for that matter. Then suddenly with out a word she stood, and walked her way to the door. With a kind smile she winked at those who stared behind for she had push a one hundred bills in every hand she past.
Exiting she saw a poor woman and a child walk by who had greeted her good morning hours earlier and all she did in return was slip a diamond necklace in the woman's pocket. The whole street froze with a stare as she passed her fur to a homeless lady and other trinkets to now frozen passer Byers. Reaching the end of the block a little boy starved and hungry sat in the dust and with her last non-translucent stare she handed him she triple studded wedding ban, and said. "Look here son, you take this ol' diamond to the silversmith and buy you and your family all the food you can stomach." With a 'Thank You' of joy, he ran off and did so.
The middle aged lady sat on his crate, staring off into the sunset clutching her side with a far off glance. The young man returned to her as she struggled to focus her gaze, he held up a ham leg just for her. Shaking her head slowly she declined his offer. "Ma'am..." He said meekly. "But why would you do a thing like that?" Again she lifted her head to him and said. "I have reached the end of my journey. I have nothing left to lose, and I can't take it with me when I go... So I gave to all of you so you could at least for today live like I... did." He just stared not understanding as the bartender turned back into his bar. Wiping off a glass with his apron, humming a sad tune as her walked to the bar counter. "Go, Go on home boy it'll be night time soon..." The boy left her side as she drifted off in the red flames of light and indeed the day and her time had ended.
You see, the woman's house that day was shot up and her husband gave his life to save her after She begged him to leave her and go. What he never knew as the bullet took his life as she road to the next town on a horse in safety was... She was the one already shot. She knew she would die from it and wanted him to live on. However his love for her, said woman wouldn't let him leave her to die with out 'his last fight'. The only thing he could do was save her...
Her hand was pulled from his lifeless one as the horse took off for town ahead and the bandits road off with their lute. In a wild chaise the bandits dropped the lute and she stopped to pick up her possessions. Though in gathering it all she lost more blood. The woman realize there was nothing more to lose and as death would come, her journey would end. IN her last moments she realized after all that she'd be reunited with the one she loved. It just so happened the bandits dropped their lute to escape the law and she came across it. Putting on everything she could the lady decided to walk into the next town with pride to leave it behind as a lady would whom had nothing let to give as her journeys end... Why? This was her way of giving back what she had taken from the poor but luxury.
The next day as she was buried, the Bartender spoke at her grave with the words to that chilling tune... "In hope of paying of my sin and dues, I close my eyes at sunset. In hopes of reaching you... on that other side. I've taken all my sins, by poison. I've paid for you love... in my last bit of journey time. I left my dues to those who may have fortune. I hope to see you again in new time. I left you to time... I left it all behind. I gave my worldly things , with a cherry smile. I paid my dues, To only reach you on that other side."
Why you ask again....? It was to see the one she loved again... and with hope she made it 'On that other side.'
[ B]lessed [ B]e, May the 'Calling' of the Goddess be Answered...
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Posted: Mon Dec 03, 2007 4:03 pm
The story's First Finish has been complete, please feel free to write notes or comment. -Lady Ella-
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Posted: Tue Dec 04, 2007 5:21 pm
Well Ella (do you mind if I call you that?) the way you write is so unique! I haven’t read something quite like that...EVER! And trust me, if you knew how much I read, its a huge compliment :3.
In some parts of the story it’s hard to follow along though, but that could be fixed by a quick "read-over" by you. And also, during the beginning you switched the story’s view point, and then back again... I'm not sure if you know what I mean, but like I said, a quick "read-over" would add to your story very much!
Neat job ^.~, I cant wait to read more from you!
(Oh and I don’t think I've had a chance to say hi to you yet in the guild, so HIYA!)
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Sweetskies98494 Vice Captain
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Posted: Sun Dec 09, 2007 6:30 pm
Well, you have a very interesting writing style. It flows very well, and the way you write things out makes it very easy to picture what's going on.
However, I think your lack of proofreading was your biggest flaw. Where the story isn't clear, it makes it difficult to understand what's going on at all. There are quite a few grammatical and spelling errors as well, which add to that somewhat. I see a lot more of this near the end of the story, also.
The story's idea and concept is very good, but it could be a lot better with some simple proofreading.
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Posted: Fri Mar 14, 2008 11:55 pm
Thanks for your advice everyone!
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Posted: Fri Nov 23, 2012 12:15 am
Wish this Place wasn't dead... You should come back Ella.
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