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 Posted: Mon Dec 03, 2007 7:59 pm
Okay folks.
Now that we've got our own sub-forum I can really start digging in on my Writer's Craft ISP. That's an Individual Study Project, for those of you who DON'T know.
I'll be posting bits and pieces of it and looking for you to rip it to shreds and help me make it absolutely seamless. I have to do really well on this project because it makes up a massive part of my mark for this course, which is supposed to be bringing up my average so I can get into university. >.<
So help me out, will ya? I'd appreciate it. <3
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Posted: Mon Dec 03, 2007 8:02 pm
So upon Blue's insitence, here's the intro to my story so far. Right now, I'm thinking about changing Rin and Ron's names so they aren't so similar and looking to fix it up a bit more. Let me know what you think...
~
The sky was falling. Stars crashed down into the ground, causing the earth to shake and shudder violently. Trees of the nearby forest toppled over, creaking ominously as they did. Blue was reaching down, slowly smothering the lush green of the rolling hills, overtaking what trees remained upright. The clear, cloudless blue above pushed down, threatening to crush – calm, beautiful and serene, even as it destroyed. This was it; this was the end…
“He shoots, he scores! That’s three to one for Toronto!”
“YES!”
Newly turned eighteen-year-old Ron snapped awake, breathing heavily. It was only a dream. The end had not come…yet…
Calmer now, she carefully uncurled and settled herself more comfortably in the old, patched armchair in her friend’s basement. She threw her legs across the arm and sat sideways with her back leaning up against the other arm of the chair, the right side of her body pressed against the back of the chair. She rarely, if ever, sat in a chair normally. She stretched out her legs and smoothed out her black jeans. They had bunched uncomfortably under her bent knees and she now wished that she had thought to move sooner. Aside from the pants, she also wore a silver-studded black leather belt, a fitted white t-shirt with a black number one on it, and red-and-black striped socks. Her black skater shoes with mismatched laces (the left one bearing green laces and the right one bearing orange ones) lay discarded next to the chair, as did a large, black, hooded zip sweater. She had two necklaces; one a black beaded one that was shorter, and the other a longer, silver chain that had a dragon on the end of it. There was a plain black wrist band on her right arm and a bright blue watch on her left arm, the same bright blue as her eyes – which were surrounded by dark eyeliner – and bangs. Only her bangs, though; the rest of her hair was its natural light brown colour, and it was always tied back a ponytail.
She looked over at the big screen TV just ahead and to her left a bit and watched as a crowd of people at a hockey game cheered loudly before the channel was changed repeatedly.
“Tavvy!” cried a loud, middle-pitched voice to Ron’s right. “Go back!” Ron looked over at her friend. She – Rin – was sitting on the floor and leaning back against the old, chocolate-coloured couch. Her short skinny legs in their faded denim jeans were stretched out in front of her and crossed at the ankles, left over right. Her left foot, clad in an orange sock – her right in a green one – tapped against the air, to a beat that played only in her head. She was slender and poised, like a dancer, though she had never – in all her seventeen (and a half) years – claimed grace and often said it eluded her. She came across as strong, with set shoulders and muscle-toned arms under her bright green fitted t-shirt. It matched perfectly with her intensely green eyes, under gently arching eyebrows that were slightly darker than her long, fiery red hair – she maintained it well and it was always so soft and shiny – that she was now braiding into pigtails. Freckles danced across her nose, though they were now faded because of the tan that remained from the summer, a nice change from her usually pale complexion. Other than the freckles, not one thing marred the flawless, tan-darkened porcelain of her skin. She had a claddagh on her thumb, homemade bracelets covering her wrists, strange symbols drawn on her left arm in henna, the word “courage” on her left hand, and a shamrock on a chain around her neck. She was Irish to a T – minus the accent – and proud of it.
“It’s on commercials by now anyway,” Tavis, the oldest – at eighteen and a half – replied, his voice calm, clear, and deeper than Rin’s. He was sprawled across the couch, mindlessly flipping channels on the TV across from him. His piercing grey eyes, under a fringe of shaggy blonde hair, were unfocused, staring blankly at the TV, not really paying any attention to what flashed across the screen as he channel surfed. His wiry body took up all but one of the old chocolate-coloured couch’s three cushions, leaving just enough room for someone else to sit there. He wore a pair of old, ripped jeans, which had faded to the point where they were almost white, and a loose white cotton t-shirt with an intricate design printed across the front in black. A chain dangled out of one of his pant pockets and was hooked to a cracked leather belt on the other end. He absently chewed on a brown macramé bracelet that was tied around his right wrist, and had a matching macramé necklace around his neck. He was lying on his left side and had the remote control in his left hand. His shoes lay on the floor next to Rin, having been kicked off after Rin scolded him for wearing them on the couch. He was a pointedly easy-going person, whether he meant to be or not, and he tended to come across as simple at times. He meant well most of the time, though things just didn’t always go his way.
“I wanted to see the replay!” Rin said, finishing her braids and turning around to face him.
“They got a goal,” said a third, thicker, slower, deeper voice from behind them all. “That’s all that matters.” Rin looked up over Tavis and the back of the couch to see the source of the voice. It was the fourth and final person in Rin’s basement that night. It was about-to-turn-eighteen-year-old Seain.
He stood in the doorway – tall, dark, and imposing – leaning up against the doorframe with his arms crossed over his chest, looking into the room. He wore a pair of black and white running shoes, dark jeans, a red belt with a silver buckle, and a black t-shirt that had long red sleeves under short black ones, which he had pushed up his arm in a half-hearted attempt to get them out of his way. There was some sort of red design on the bottom left edge of the front of the shirt, and it looked like it crawled around to the back of the shirt as well. He had a silver chain around his long, thin neck, a black wristband on his left wrist, and a red string bracelet on his right wrist. He gave the impression of strength, even if he seemed rather lean. His fair-complexioned face was also thin, and he had a straight, set jaw. There was a small scar on his cheek just below his left eye. His hair was straight and a shiny jet black, and it cascaded about his face like the frame of a picture, always getting in his intense, reddish-brown eyes and giving him a dark and sometimes vaguely sinister look. He – having never been very good at conveying his feelings, whether from fear of having to do so or from just plain not wanting to – wore a distinctly unreadable expression on his face.
Rin opened her mouth, looking like she was about to reply when Seain said, “It’s just a game anyway. No big deal,” and walked across the room and around the couch. Tavis pulled his legs slightly closer to himself, as if he didn’t want to be anywhere near the tall, moody boy, and Seain sat down on the far side of the couch, furthest from Ron.
“Don’t be such a spoilsport,” she said, shifting in her chair again. “She likes it, let her enjoy it.”
“It’s okay, Ronny,” Rin said, turning back around and watching the channels change one after the other. She hated it when Ron and Seain argued, which they tended to do a lot. This was beginning to look like the start of one of their arguments, and she didn’t want that to happen. They usually ended in one of them storming off and not talking to anyone for a while. In other words, they were moodier than they usually were. Rin liked it when they could all be together without being mad at one another.
“Hey, look!” Tavis said, a few minutes later, breaking into the rather uncomfortable silence that had fallen over the four. “Hockey! Hey, we’re winning!”
Rin perked up, happy to be back on the channel with the game on. Ron shook her head, amusedly; Tavis’ stupid moments always had a way of making her smile. They just plain annoyed Seain, who rolled his eyes exasperatedly.
They watched the game for the rest of the evening. Rin took the remote control away from Tavis so that he couldn’t change the channel anymore and in the end, the hockey game won, drawing the four teens in as only hockey can. Rin fell asleep on the floor with only fifteen minutes left in the game, leaning back against the couch, her head tipped sideways on her shoulder and the edge of the couch cushion. It didn’t look very comfortable, so Seain carefully lifted her and carried her upstairs to her room, where he laid her in her bed and tucked her in for the night. He then went back downstairs, where he found Ron and Tavis arguing over who would be sleeping on the couch, and the TV still blaring in the background, proudly displaying that the Leafs had won the game. He turned off the TV, found a blanket and a pillow in the closet next to the door that led upstairs, flicked off the light, and settled down on the couch, despite Ron and Tavis’ indignant protests. The two of them bumped around in the dark for a while before finally settling down for the night, Ron on a fold-out cot found in the closet, Tavis on the floor with the cushion from the old battered armchair.
Before long, the basement was filled with the sounds of sleep, the echoes of night, and the silence of darkness; deep breathing, the house creaking as it settled for the night, the shuffle of blankets as someone shifted in their sleep. Tavis and Seain were fast asleep. Ron, however, lay wide awake, staring through the darkness at what would have been the ceiling, had she been able to actually see it. She was afraid of what would happen if she fell asleep now, with the images of her frightening dream from before still fresh in her mind. Would she have the nightmare again? Reoccurring dreams always scared her. They had a tendency of coming true. She knew that from experience. Before long, however, she had drifted on into an uneasy sleep…
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Posted: Wed Dec 05, 2007 12:37 pm
I think its great so far, Rika. I felt like I was there. It was tough to be introduced to so many characters at once, but it was easier when I read through the second time.
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Posted: Wed Dec 05, 2007 12:59 pm
I was thinking that too, but then I coulnd't think of a way to space it out a little more, especially since I actually like what I wrote. >.<
It's not THAT confusing, is it...?
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Posted: Thu Dec 06, 2007 3:17 am
I dunno. I kinda thought so at first.
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Posted: Thu Dec 06, 2007 5:39 pm
Arg... I'm NEVER gonna have this thing done in time... and If it IS, it won't be anywhere NEAR presentable... >.<
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Posted: Mon Dec 10, 2007 4:44 am
What if you wrote a little part before. Just to introduce us to one or two characters first. The so many aren't being described and introduced at once?
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Posted: Mon Dec 10, 2007 1:10 pm
Hmm... Maybe I'll start off with just Rin and Ron, and then add Seain and Tavis...
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Posted: Wed Dec 12, 2007 12:17 pm
I'm sure you can come up with something
there's nothing for me to add though, it was really good 3nodding
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Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 3:30 pm
Dear friends and comrades,
As I'm sure you are aware, I was instructed to write a short story for my ISP for Writer's Craft. Some of this I posted here in order to receive feedback with which to hopefully make my story as fantastic as possible.
I've just a few things to say before I get to the point of my writing this letter, the first of which is thank-you. I would like to thank each and every one of you for assissting me in this long and grueling process that is perhaps every writer's nightmare and ideal dream. I appreciate everything each and every one of you has ever done for me in regards to this project, because all of your feedback, all of your help and support, has helped me to bring my story to what it is today.
I would also like to say that, despite the potential of the story I originally planned to write, I changed my mind and wrote a completely different one. I grew bored of my original story. There wasn't much I could do to make it better, so I took many of the ideas from that story and tweaked them to fit into my new idea. Thus, my final story is very much a combination of the two separate stories I had in my mind.
Finally, my dear friends, I would like to ask something of you: Would you or would you not like to see the final product? It's fourteen and a half pages long and I got 92% on it, so I think I did pretty damn well.
But it's up to you, my dears. If you want, I shall post it here and you can read it. I'd like for you to, just so you can see it, and give me some post-marking feedback, but by all means, don't allow me to force it on you. Only if you want, shall I post it.
Thanks again,
Much love,
Rika Shay <3
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Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 8:29 pm
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Posted: Fri Feb 29, 2008 11:40 am
I posted it in a separate thread. It's called Promises.
Enjoy! <3
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