So I went to bed at 11pm the night before and woke up at 1:30am. I couldn't go back to sleep so I decided to write him a letter because well he seemed distant. and i wanted to be sure that when he's at boot camp he wanted to be my girlfriend even though it's long distance. At first I didn't think it was a good idea, then I realized I could make it work. I was deturmed to write to him every day if i had to.
here's the letter.
Dear Will
alright how i feel things are going, so lovely. I adore you. you're someone if you asked me to move in with you I would in a heart beat. I don't know where i will be in 6 months because i for a moment was going to ask you if you wanted me to move with you. If i get this book finnished (currently working on the drawings) hopefully i can get a contract and write books. write enough to pay for college. Because of how things are at home i doubt i will go to college anytime soon. I mean we are getting back to having to use cloth diapers because mom can't afford desposible.
I will only get to see you if my little big sis takes me to you. i don't care that you don't know how you feel about me but i love you so much i want to work my a** off to make it work. if i won't see you between jan-may then so be it. I will still be there for you emotionally and mentially. I've never been able to say that to anyone. and more importantly i've never been able to say that and mean it. if you feel you don't want to date a girl you won't see for 5 months next year let me know. if you feel my feelings are too strong for you let me know. i hope not. i hope you are ok with how i feel. i serusly hope you'll just step back and see how things go with a positive attitude.
you are someone i can see myself with 5 years later, 10 years later. i don't know about you but that's never happened to me. even with being engaged to my x.
i wish i would be able to go to the army but so many health problems they woud'nt let me in.
i hope you read this and have a better understanding of myself.
hunny i care about you so much i don't want to hold you back.
Please respond by calling me.
~~
so he called me and says how he couldn't make it work... he thought it would hurt me more when he left... I was like I'm going to write you. um here roughly how the conversation went.
Will: I think we should break up now because no use of string you along it's such a horrible thing I've had that happeend with a girlfriend who was with me for over a year and she didn't let me prepare for her leaving for school
Me: but I can make it work if ti's through writing letters. I know i can. Just the question is if it doesn't work out i know it won't be my falt. so can you?
Will: No.
and it was hours of that sort of thing till finally he says we have different goals. he said that before but I thought it was refurring to his job. he meant life goals. Someday I want to find a nice man, date him for a few years, hopefully get married. Move out of california, or bakersfield at the very least, have kids together, grow old. he wants to have a career, not get married, not have a family (if a guy marries me he gets a family the same day)
I wish I didn't fall in love with him before he told me all this. This guy I don't know when i"ll get over. or if i'll get over.
but we talked it out... i felt like an idot for not seeing it... i asked him if i wasted his time. he said no. and because he said no and you can tell he was being honest... it didn't hurt so much.
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