|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Tue Aug 16, 2005 9:33 pm
Flattened
Deer on the roads dead
squirrels rest forevermore
blood floods pavement fools
I decided to for my first submisson here I'd start with someting simple and I choose this as my first....
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Aug 17, 2005 8:52 pm
That was rather depressing- especially the part about the beloved squirrels! It was a very interesting piece though, and I thought it was actually quite good. I really can't say much because I don't know much about haikus, but I thought this one had a good rhythm. Sad as I said before, but good! I like punctuation in pieces to help the rhythm, but I don't know if that's allowed in haikus, so I'll leave it at it was an interesting choice for your first poem- yes, that is a good thing xd
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Aug 17, 2005 8:55 pm
Redneck literature, huh? I can see it now... "You might be a redneck if your first poem was about roadkill."
Seriously though, I thought it was good despite the unorthodox subject matter. You might try adding in some alliteration to make the words flow better.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Aug 18, 2005 5:23 pm
Yeah, to make a classic form of Japanese poetry about roadkill...yeah, lol. But I was a bit confused by the use of "fools" at the end. Why did you use that word?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Aug 20, 2005 10:27 am
fools represents the idiotic disregard of people completely unconcerned of what happens after a person runs over a deer or something else though It could acutally mean a broader amount of things. You already know like I do that Haiku's can have hundreds upon Hundred of many meanings. Kind of what I was trying to achieve here not only to get the reader attention but to have he or she interprut is in many different ways.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Oct 01, 2005 7:13 pm
Silent Mongoose Flattened Deer on the roads dead squirrels rest forevermore blood floods pavement fools I decided to for my first submisson here I'd start with someting simple and I choose this as my first.... You might want to put the first line as Deer on the road's dead As in, "The deer on the road IS dead" instead of "The deer on the roads are dead." It's just better grammatically, and I think you're trying to refer to one deer anyway, so it's no big deal. The second thing is that, from what I've seen on Haikus, they're a little more detached and a little more grammatically sound (not like American unrhymed poetry.) Because of this, you may want to change the last line to "Blood floods the pavement." It's more detached from the reader, it keeps hte number of sylabels, and it's more grammatically sound. I think fools is a cute touch, but if you want a tracitional Japanese Haiku, my suggestions might make it better.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Nov 10, 2005 10:35 am
It's good. But remember, Haiku's don't have to be 5 7 5's. You can play around with it a bit more, some people actually believe that seventeen syllables is too many for a haiku, but some people have theirs a little longer. It's all about getting your point across as simply as possible. As it stands though, I think it's quite good. 3nodding
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Nov 10, 2005 12:15 pm
Ditzo It's good. But remember, Haiku's don't have to be 5 7 5's. You can play around with it a bit more, some people actually believe that seventeen syllables is too many for a haiku, but some people have theirs a little longer. It's all about getting your point across as simply as possible. As it stands though, I think it's quite good. 3nodding
A Japanese lyric verse form having three unrhymed lines of five, seven, and five syllables, traditionally invoking an aspect of nature or the seasons.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Nov 10, 2005 2:30 pm
My poetry teacher Nigel Jenkins is the first welsh guy to produce a book of English-spoken haiku 'Blue: 101 haiku, senryu and tanka'. The afterword, and his lesson on haiku, explain that haiku was first formed on the principle of three sections and five seven five units of meaning. These units of meaning can't strictly be translated over from Japanese into English, which has caused the common conception that English haiku need seventeen syllables. (I think I explained that right!) However, many contemporary haiku writers find the 5 7 5 style cliched and clumsy and claim that to remain truer to the spirit of haiku, there should be three 'sections' but perhaps less than seventeen syllables. In fact when we were assigned poetry, he told us specifically to *avoid* the 575 structure. Which was embarrassing, because the pieces I sent in when I applied for the creative writing course were all 575s. redface It's not like haiku can't be 575, but that they aren't so rigidly tied to it. I found this site helpful: http://www.shadowpoetry.com/resources/haiku/haiku.html biggrin
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Nov 10, 2005 7:20 pm
Ditzo My poetry teacher Nigel Jenkins is the first welsh guy to produce a book of English-spoken haiku 'Blue: 101 haiku, senryu and tanka'. The afterword, and his lesson on haiku, explain that haiku was first formed on the principle of three sections and five seven five units of meaning. These units of meaning can't strictly be translated over from Japanese into English, which has caused the common conception that English haiku need seventeen syllables. (I think I explained that right!) However, many contemporary haiku writers find the 5 7 5 style cliched and clumsy and claim that to remain truer to the spirit of haiku, there should be three 'sections' but perhaps less than seventeen syllables. In fact when we were assigned poetry, he told us specifically to *avoid* the 575 structure. Which was embarrassing, because the pieces I sent in when I applied for the creative writing course were all 575s. redface It's not like haiku can't be 575, but that they aren't so rigidly tied to it. I found this site helpful: http://www.shadowpoetry.com/resources/haiku/haiku.html biggrin
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Nov 11, 2005 1:32 am
I know, I was shocked when I heard it too! 3nodding
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Nov 26, 2005 9:45 am
It'sa very good.
The deers are a nice touch, too.
Thanks for da info.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Dec 05, 2005 4:40 pm
The subject is very depressing. It was good nontheless.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Jan 07, 2006 3:18 pm
Ditzo My poetry teacher Nigel Jenkins is the first welsh guy to produce a book of English-spoken haiku 'Blue: 101 haiku, senryu and tanka'. The afterword, and his lesson on haiku, explain that haiku was first formed on the principle of three sections and five seven five units of meaning. These units of meaning can't strictly be translated over from Japanese into English, which has caused the common conception that English haiku need seventeen syllables. (I think I explained that right!) However, many contemporary haiku writers find the 5 7 5 style cliched and clumsy and claim that to remain truer to the spirit of haiku, there should be three 'sections' but perhaps less than seventeen syllables. In fact when we were assigned poetry, he told us specifically to *avoid* the 575 structure. Which was embarrassing, because the pieces I sent in when I applied for the creative writing course were all 575s. redface It's not like haiku can't be 575, but that they aren't so rigidly tied to it. I found this site helpful: http://www.shadowpoetry.com/resources/haiku/haiku.html biggrin If you want it to be a "Haiku", then you have to follow the traditional format. If you want to write a "SUPER DUPER CRAPPY AMERICAN SPINOFF OF JAPANESE POETRY!" then you can do whatever the heck you feel like. See, you don't trust English-speakers on something that was created in the Japanese language at all. You'd think people would have learned that by now. >_> (My friend's English teacher said that Haikus were traditionally 3, 7, 5)
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
![[.Dark.Rose.]'s avatar](https://a1cdn.gaiaonline.com/dress-up/avatar/ava/2e/03/49166cc12a032e_flip.png?t=1190878161_5.00_00)
