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Friends, (and yes, I use the term to apply to all of you, even those who have no clue who I am) I need to warn you all about a terrible plague that lives among us. About how the forces of darkness tread all around, luring us in. I have faced them, and I must share my experiences with you, so that you all might avoid the tragedies that I have been forced to endure.

Squirrels are the spawn of the devil himself, and they must all be destroyed!

Their latest attack on me, a tactic they use quite regularly, was to have one of their vast number sacrifice itself by slipping on a frozen power line, disrupting power to thousands in the middle of winter. They're supposed to be hibernating, damn it! But noooo, they know! They know that the best time to strike is when nobody is expecting it, and so this one did. Denying me not only of heat on a day when the temperature barley broke freezing, but more importantly, denying me access to the internet!

Out fued goes back a ways. It started last summer, when I was out camping with some friends. We stayed up late around the campfire, talking, drinking, and what have you. We knew it was time to grab a few hours of sleep when the sky started to lighten, and so I crawled back to my tent. But after a mere hour of sleep or so, a squirrel decided it would be great fun to wake me by scolding at my tent. AND IT WOULD NOT SHUT UP!!! And so, the rest of my day was spent in a sleep deprived stupor.

And then the next day, after I finally got a good long night's sleep, I found one of the bastards had broken into my backpack. What did it do there, you ask? Did it grab some shiny expensive item and abscond with it? Or perhaps got into my food stores? No, if only. No, it did the most evil thing it could do. My toilet paper was shredded completely, leaving not a single usuable sheet. Sure, was able to borrow from my friends, but that's not he point! The point is that it knew that I would be greeted with laughter when I explained the situation. I consider it nature's version of finding the horse's head next to me in bed in the morning.

So! Watch out! If you're driving, and you have the chance to run one over, take it! Do whatever you can, and FIGHT THE EVIL!!!

Don't believe that I have seen that, but my friends showed me a news clip about a town called White Squirrel, I think it was in Massachusetts, but I forget. Anyways, this town's claim to fame is... wait for it, wait.. for... it......... yes, it has a ton of naturally white squirrels that run around the place. And so, the misguided fools that live there have fallen under their spell, and given them the run of the village. They can go anywhere they want, there's a statue of a giant squirrel in the center of the town, and it's a five dollar fine if you run one over or otherwise kill one.

Me? I'd drop a fifty off at the town hall, and tell them I'd pay more if I needed too...

No squirrels in Australia? Hmmm, I already speak the language, I'm more or less on the right sleep schedule for the place, and now I learn that there are no squirrels there?

I know where I want to live when I can afford to move to a foreign country.

See? EVIL! Even when you go out of your way to help them, they turn on you! And that cuteness? Merely a ploy, to make you drop your guard! Judge not the book by it's cover! (If that was how things worked, Brittney Spears and Paris Hilton would be deemed saints by many.) So, open your eyes! See them for what they truly are; Spawns of the underworld, out to cause the death of us all!!!!!

While I can understand how my warning and admonishments might come across as a bit crazed and fanatical, there is one major difference between me and the Cthulu guy. While his delusions are merely figments of his mind, my warnings come from real experiences, many of which have been witnessed by others. Sure, I'm taking it a hair over the top, but in today's world, full of cynicism, where one is rarely willing to believe the whole story, is there any other way to get people to take notice?

Oh, and one of my favorite items are my Cthulu slippers. Very comfy.

It's nice to know, even though I am faced with an enemy who's numbers make victory nothing more than a dream, that my parents, in a way, understand my vendetta. We opened our Christmas presents today (we waited for my sister and her husband, who live on the other side of the state, to join us), and I received a wonderful T-shirt from my folks. It has the picture of a squirrel, looking slightly stupid, holding an acorn. Underneath, it says 'Squirrels. Nature's little speed bumps.'

Thank you Mom and Dad!